The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I understand there's some blizzard conditions for many members right now, where I live it's summer but our family had it's own storm today..
Firstly found a stash of marijuana daughter had hidden.. then daughter and AH had a screaming match over financial information my daughter was refusing to share, at which point AH attempted to drag me into the situation (I was keeping well away) by calling me a liar (he had been drinking and I honestly don't even know what he was referring to.. all I know is I have NOT told any lies) Spent the rest of the evening trying to ward off panic attacks: warm bath, dinner finally at 10pm when everyone had gone to bed.
There are no Alanon meetings in my vicinity, I've figured out meetings here are at 3:00am and 3:00pm (I work days), so I need to suss out best way to work this programme.
I'm tired of feeling like the meat in the sandwich with the pair of them, it makes me feel so physically and emotionally drained and like I have a constant knot in my gut. I feel scared of my husband's predictably icy and depressed demeanor in the morning when I wake up, and and the accompanying monologue about everything that is wrong in his life. If I reply he has already shared this with me (as he does several times a day) his default reaction is threatening to leave. I fear for my daughter's future. I feel sad for my other (younger) daughter who is a sensitive soul having to bear witness to all the shouting and screaming and foul language.
I feel like I'm in a time warp from when I was a child and my alcoholic father would inexplicably explode for no reason and suddenly I would have to duck for cover - its like living in a war zone with no idea when the next raid is going to happen.
I would appreciate the experience, strength and hope of you all, and would like an idea of where on earth to begin.
Hi Living in NYC I would like to report that I stayed warm and safe yesterday. Watched the storm from my apartment and ventured out for an hour to walk in the snow and enjoy the watching the children sledding. I could not have done that while I was married to an alcoholic because like you, I was always stressed out and on edge.
What you are experiencing is certainly very familiar to many of us. If you are unable to attend face to face meetings and the on line ones are not convenient I would search our alanon literature and proceed to immerse myself in the concepts, principles and ideas Some powerful books are entitled:
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage, Alcoholism the Family Disease, The Merry Go Round Named Denial and my favorite The Courage to Change.
You can also visit he Step Work Board here and participate here is the site address: http://stepwork.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42763. The Steps are the foundation of our recovery.
Without support living with the disease is difficult at best. Please keep coming back.
PearlGirl - I am so sorry to hear about what's happening with your family; specifically your husband and eldest daughter. I will preface by saying that I am fairly new to this program, as well... But wanted to let you know you are not alone and it certainly sounds like you are in the right place. Furthermore, I can relate to the fear and crippling anxiety (induced by the As) that you described in your post. Please hang in there, and know that someone is thinking about and hoping for you. xo
Isn't it a wonder that they become so sick while you remain most healthy and sane. Of course you have to work at a special program to do it and that is why the program exists. I'm early off to my morning meeting here in Hilo and I will carry you with me and pray the day will be better for you and them. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Heartfelt thank you for the messages of encouragement, such a relief not be alone with this anymore.. I will purchase the recommended reading and start on step one. I pray that you all have a wonderful day xx
Pearlgirl - if you look to the top right, you'll find our step board here - we just started at Step 1....that might also help you get a feel for the program, the steps, the effort and the transformations that can happen.
I lived in a very similar situation. In time, my youngest decided, If I can't ignore the chaos, I will join and began his own journey - first with Pot and then onto bigger/better things. I physically removed myself to another room. I stated outloud with pride that I was not the buffer nor would I be the lunch meat any longer. We ended up a house physically divided - boys on 2nd floor, me main floor, AH in basement. But - it worked out and everyone had their own retreat to go to and use.
We did counseling individually, as a family, and a million other things. There was no healing to be had as a 'unit' - it had to happen individually first before there could be harmony/unity in the family. I chased recovery. So did my eldest son. My AH and 2nd born did not and still have not. We are not united by any means, but we are civil. Our journey has been 19 years (AH relapse) and 10 years (AS1)....a long, long time. I chased recovery when I could no longer live that way (6-7 years ago - Al-Anon).
You need to find a way to chose you and work on finding your peace/joy. No matter what they or anyone else is doing - your happiness is your responsibility. They are not bad people, they are sick people. Get and stay as healthy as you can!!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
