The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this os if I am posting the wrong way, or in the wrong place, let me apologize in advance.
When I say unconventional, the person I am trying to help is the best friend of my children. She is now 17, but in my life since she was about 3. I love her as my child. Comes from completely destructive, dysfunctional family, last of 7 children(however 1-6 are a mess also). I am the only person in the world that she trusts with her secrets, feelings, etc. and i have this overwhelming self-inflicted need to help her. If you knew her family history, you may ask your self why not instead of why has she started binge drinking. She is a genius, exotically beautiful and a heart bigger than I've known in 48 years. She has more maternal feelings toward me than her own mother. There has been years of depression, cutting and now alcohol and Valium. I have known for about 10 days now, and she is self-medicating(using) something, daily.
I have 3 teenagers, not perfect, but no problems like this. I have a husband, recently had an affair so trying to heal from that. however, none of that keeps me up at night. Thinking of JJ consumes my thoughts. I am all she has. A few years ago when the depression was bad, she told her mom and her response was "get over it". She does her classes online(bullying issues) so I have tried to get her to come live w us, finish school..etc..Her mother said the day you turn 18 you go wherever you want, but that day hasn't arrived yet. I feel "HELPLESS". She has needed counseling and probably medications for years. Now she self-medicates. I value her honesty with me but it also scares me.
I am looking for any advice. I am all she has and although she hasn't said the words, she is counting on me to help guide her. We live about 30 minutes away. Talk and text daily but with her being 17, I don't know what to do.
I am hoping someone has some advice, or can point me in the right direction. It is just more difficult because she isn't my legal child, even though it feels like it.
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Mothers hold their children's hands for a moment, and their hearts for eternity.
Welcome lmb2015 - glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share.
Al-Anon is for family AND FRIENDS of alcoholics, so you qualify! Those who love or live with this disease typically have different stories but similar painful journeys. I applaud you for trying to be an example of normal for this friend - it does sound as if that is lacking as well as parental support. In Al-Anon, we learn to understand addiction/alcoholism and all that it includes. We also learn how to support without enabling as well as how to set boundaries for self-preservation/protection. We don't give advice in Al-Anon - exception is when there is abuse. We do share our own Experience, Strength & Hope (ESH) with others so they might find helpful examples of how to manage a situation.
I'll tell you that I am the mother of 2 boys who chose the path less traveled. At many turns, they were able to garner support/money/rides/housing from other well-meaning parents. For me, the caring parent trying to redirect a lost child, it was a menace, a distraction and unwelcome. While their hearts were in the right place, they often passed judgement based on the input of my child only. This is the same child who was abusing alcohol, prescription medication and ultimately heroine. I am quite convinced these 'helpful' parents were not aware of how sick my child truly was as he hid it well and functioned quite well for a while.
During his high-drama phase(s), he did suggest he'd been abused (hit by my husband and sexually by a day-care worker), ignored, mistreated, etc. It was not truth ever - it was his way of garnering support/help/enabling from others. The outside assistance, again - well intended, significantly prolonged his progress towards the proper path. Your story and knowledge may be very different - I am just suggesting that each person has their own perception of reality and often the truth is completely outside of what's known/shared/observed.
My best suggestion is to attend a local meeting (or a few or many) to get a feel for what it's all about and then decide if there is a solution for you in the mix. Until she ages out, there is most likely nothing 'permanent' or 'semi-permanent' that you can do for her or with her. If you believe she's being abused, provide her with the necessary contact information and offer to take her.
You are not alone - keep coming back. We have a saying - Take what you like and leave the rest....this applies to my share!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome LMB I am running late however I simply wanted ot welcome you an support all the wisdom that I Am Here has passed on. You are not alone and ther is hope and help.
Pleae keep coming back
Aloha LMG and welcome to the board...you are certainly qualified for membership in this family...you are not at first read much different than the rest of us who have attempted to change and/or rescue alcoholics and/or addicts without the Experiences/Wisdoms and assistance we learned were necessary for us to help ourselves. Alcoholism/Addiction is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which cannot ever be cure and only arrested by total abstinence...so the solution lays with this child. If she doesn't stop it will not stop and she has three choices...sobriety, insanity and/or death. It sounds like she is in the insanity phase and has you with her. The suggestion above of attending face to face Al-Anon meetings is the best and was the one that save my life, peace of mind and serenity. If she has created her addiction with some far flung hope and understanding that he life will get better it would be long till just the sheer volume of the using will crush her and others with her. It can take you out also and seeing that you already have had a seriously negative life event with your spouse you are carrying a lot of weight. You are not unconventional at all. Much of the story you have shared here is similar to my own. You cannot cure the addict or control her or cause her to use. You can only work at getting your own sanity and happiness back with the help of the program. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
