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I've been up since 5:30 this morning listening to podcasts and interviews on "The addicts Mom" website. I feel very empowered and for the first time, feel like I know what I need to do, and will be able to stick to it! I was in the middle of writing my daughter a letter, and she called. She asked what I was doing and I told her. Her answer was short and clipped and she hung up! What follows is the text she sent me and my texts back to her! Keep in mind that my husband recently passed away and that he left his truck to my grandson, but since my daughter has no vehicle, she drives my grandsons truck at times. She has 5 kids. Aged 2,6,9,14 & 18
Her: And this is what I am talking about! Cant even call u to talk without u downing me! Really? I need my dad back
Me: I'm not downing you! I love you very much and this is why I am doing this! Each time I help you, it is another nail in your coffin! I don't want you to wind up overdosing, getting liver disease or damaging your health, or heaven forbid, killing someone else! You CHOOSE to drink, you CHOOSE to not work, you CHOOSE to put your children through all of this! I love YOU VERY MUCH, and your Dad & I discussed this at length before he became sick. I feel very strongly that he would agree with every step I'm taking and whether you admit it or not, I think you know that, as well! You talk about being jealous of people that have good relationships with their Moms. I, too, am so very envious of those people. They have kids that have made good choices in life, can support their families and can pay for their shopping trips, or dinners, or whatever they do with their Mom. I'm jealous that other women's grandkids don't have to watch their Mom get so drunk she's passed out on the couch puking again. Their grandkids HAVE basic necessities like FOOD, shelter, clothing. Their Moms take them shopping, to the movies, and can pay for birthday parties for them! Candi, you can improve your life at any time. All you have to do is want and get help! I love you so very much but I don't love your disease and I don't love the fact that my life is going downhill fast, because of your choices. Emotionally, physically and financially
I worry about you and the kid CONSTANTLY! Will you kill yourself today with alcohol poisoning? Are the kids safe, do they have food? It takes every ounce of energy I have to deal with you and your problems, and worrying about you, and I have nothing left in the end to physically get better. And I'm going downhill financially very quickly. What am I going to do in 3 years when my money is gone and there's no one to take care of me? You won't be able to help me! And I won't be a burden to my family! I worry constantly about that and you don't seem to care as long as I will pay your phone, your rent, your food, etc....,
And I don't want you driving the truck unless it's to take the kids to school and back or straight to a dr apt & home. I'm thinking about alerting the cops so they'll keep an eye on the truck, and make sure you're not driving impaired. If you get into an accident before I get the title transferred, I lose EVERYTHING, and again, you don't seem to care
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KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
((**Kathy)) You validated yourself and your decisions Good work .I do agree that expecting an addict to respect your position as outlined in the letter is a reach. The disease does not permit that this will happen. I would make every effort to transfer that title immediately
Yours is indeed a very difficult situation with Grand children's well being and all involved so I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers .
missmeliss and Betty,
I thank you both for your comments and suggestions. I do attempt to take the kids occasionally. I used to be able to, and had them very much of the time. 8 years ago, I was injured at work, in surgery, when a lead door fell on me. I had been an operating room nurse my whole career. I've been through 3 back surgeries and a neck fusion. After working for 6 years following, I was forced to go on disability. I am no longer able to take the kids near as often as I would like, but they know I am here for them, and do call me often. I do, however, need to remind myself constantly that I can only control myself and no one else. I need to learn to keep my opinions to myself and take care of me. I had the misconception that I paid her bills, so she should do what I want her to. I'm very new and welcome any and all suggestions. I need to start setting a timer on my phone, as I missed both meetings yesterday. Again, thank you!
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KathyRN
"A PROBLEM IS ONLY A PROBLEM, IF YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS A PROBLEM!"
Thank you for sharing. I feel your frustration in your writing. I think it was good to post it here- to get some feed back and validation for your thoughts and reasoning outside of the difficult relationship with your daughter.
I have ofen thrown my hands up in the air and just wanted my A to stop- stop drinking, stop being immature, stop lying, stop making me crazy.
But he doesn't want to. The disease of addiction is shaping his thoughts and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, make him stop these destructive behaviors. So, here I am. I'm new to al-anon too. I'm very thankful for people posting here, so we can learn from one another.
I am one who has written enough letters to fill multiple 3 inch 3 ring binders. Most go unread, ignored, and certainly unanswered. The only answers I ever got to a letter I wrote to my A boys was when one was in prison - he was bored enough to write back. Of course, after I put money is his commissary for snacks, envelopes and stamps as he spent all his money on drugs/alcohol. And - it was never enough - even when he was locked up in prison, the 'other friends' took priority - he was writing them too using those envelopes/stamps I purchased to stay 'in the game'.
This disease is more powerful than love, logic, rational thinking and/or fear of death, incarceration or other. When we work the steps and learn more about both the disease and recovery, our ability to set boundaries that protect each of us gets easier. Getting a sponsor, getting to meetings and working on you and doing small things each day for you/your sanity is my best suggestion.
I've gotten to where I just do not respond any longer to baiting messages. If I am not grounded in my spiritual center, I don't answer the phone. If it's important, they will leave a voicemail and/or call back until they get 'to me'. My boys, when active, use all of their great gift of intelligence to con, manipulate, use me as long as I will play along. This disease includes 'more' - no matter what I provide, or give, it's not enough. EVER......given the chance, my boys would drain me dry, live in my home and use my charge cards for the utilities until they maxed them out.
So - there is no 'win/win' reasoning with active alcoholics. There is no reason for me to even try to JADE - justify, argue, defend or explain - when they are active. It's a waste of my oxygen levels, time and energy. When we part ways, they make the next call to work another person and I worry/stew/cry/obsess for xx hours, days, etc. Hence, I do the best I can to detach from the start. I am only able to do this because of what this program has taught me, and by using the tools it has gifted me.
I do agree with Betty - transfer the truck if intended. I always was concerned about my liability for things my children did. Once they turned 18 and I got smarter in Al-Anon, I took the necessary steps to ensure I had NO liability for their actions, and then turned them over to my HP, God.
Be gentle with yourself....it's a painful/difficult place to be in, but with program and HP, you'll find your boundaries and your way.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi KathRN
Face to face meetings are very helpful. I always leave a face to face meeting better off than I was when I arrived. Even though some nights I don't want to go I know that if I do go I will feel better and that helps me. Sounds like you are starting to work on the first step. I have been there too thinking if I helped someone they should do what I want them to do. People are so darn stubborn that way LOL. For me, that way of thinking only brought about something my therapist called "a resentment hangover". I would overextend myself expecting my AH to see how much strain he was putting on me so he would change. When he didn't change I resented having helped him with anything in the first place. I am an over helper I will help until it hurts. Now I try to pause and ask myself I will regret helping before I jump in and help.
When I was working on detachment and realizing that I was powerless over alcohol one of my friends in my face to face meeting helped me find compassion for the alcoholic in my life. She talked about the disease and how it is separate from the person. I hate the disease and how it affects my husband but I love my husband. When I realized he was just as powerless over alcohol as I was it changed my perspective a little. I certainly didn't want to accept that he was an alcoholic. I wanted him to just CHOOSE to get better and stop drinking. my friend pointed out that he probably didn't wake up in the morning and say "I think I want to be an alcoholic today who is going to drink so much that I vomit before I go to bed". It was a good point. So I started working on taking care of myself and my daughter. Doing what I could to make my life better. And that has helped. My relationship with my AH and my daughter have improved. There is peace in our house. All good things that came from giving up trying to force him to change. I once read or heard somewhere that the people closest to the alcoholic are the least able to help them. It makes so much sense to me now. Wishing you all the best. Keep coming back. Meetings help. They recommend that you try at least 6 to see if the program is for you. I had to try a couple different meetings until I found one that suited me and I felt I could relate to the members.
All the best.
Meliss that share about your mother really brought me to tears.
Prayers for you and your grandbabies Kath! This is a great place to vent, just writing it out helps me. I have paid (too) many bills and cleaned up too many messes for my AD. Because of her disease she could never "hear" me. My thinking became warped and I enabled like crazy, worried, begged, threatened, the whole routine, over and over again.
Then she had an event that required legal help (again, I paid) however, facing a felony and with a very hard talk from her attorney, her Higher Power allowed her for the first time to HEAR and FEEL the impact and the gravity of what she had done. We drove straight away to her first AA meeting (attorney's suggestion but she surrendered immediately) and I think that she has only missed one meeting in 5 months. The point is, that unfortunately, something tragic had to happen and most often, this is the case.
I had to surrender too and no longer get in between her and her Higher Power. It is the hardest thing I have ever done because I love her her and I thought parents (at least when they are babies) are their "Higher Power". After Al-Anon I discovered boy was I wrong about that one, and that all of my "doing" and "fixing" made her even less able to decide things for herself and that by trying to control some many things made her unable to do for herself. She never felt the consequence of her actions.
Reading , meetings and continuing be be educated via the experience of others brings me a world of peace. Keep coming back.
My major concern is that that vehicle your husband left to your daugther is legally licensed/titled and insured in HER NAME and NOT carried on your personal insurance policy. Never leave yourself in an financial responsible position to cover the A's butt/actions. If that vehicle is still in yours or your husband's name, get that changed ASAP.
That said, my A son recently reended a car and even tho that car had no working brake/tail/turn signals, I am on the hook for my policy maximums for bodily injury. My insurance rates have been surcharged by $70/month for the next 3 yrs. Thankfully, A son wasn't drinking at the time of the accident but I'm still stuck with the chargeable accident and since hubby & I live on social security..........it really hurts us financially.
