The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started seeing a therapist who has an expertise in addiction and family counciling. He made a comment durring a session suggesting I get out of the way and let my AH experience the fallout of his drinking. My AH is functioning, and much of the fallout is showing up as issues in our marriage which in his eyes I caused - I'm pulling away, I'm hurting his self confidence by having less and less physical affection over the years etc. etc.
I was honest with him and let him know I love him and his drinking has hurt me a lot over the course of our whole relationship, and most recently shook my confidence to a point where I need time to decide if I want to stay married. The hurt and confusion he feels is a mirror of my own and a direct consequence of his drinking but he still blames me and wants me to go back to "normal"
I'm trying to step out of the way, to stay calm and hold a light to the things the disease is saying so I can see them for what they are - his fear, his denial -- not mine to carry.
I know I must be doing something right because I can listen to him and calmly respond. It seems to drive him batty though. Maybe he wants the drama, thrives off of it but I'm done.
I'm new to alanon and would love some suggested reading, or slogans to help me cope too.
Hi Taraxacum, I salute your ability to calmly discuss these issues with your partner. Your therapist is correct in stating that we must "Detach", and allow everyone the freedom to experience the consequences of their own actions and in the process take care of ourselves.
I am glad you are attending alanon and I would point this out to hubby. I would also suggest that you are very human and have been seriously affected by his disease. That Alanon is a fellowship of family members that was founded to help families of alcoholics deal with the devastating effect of living with the disease. The tools help us to let go of the anger, resentment self pity and fear from the past, while we examine our own motives, and acknowledge our part in the issues. It is all a process and you are willingly participating and that by so doing you are working on the marriage and the mutual connection.
The alanon books I wold suggest are: " The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" , Paths to Recovery, the Merry GO Round Named Denial and "Alcoholism the Family disease" . They are greet books to guide you along and can usually be purchased at the meetings Good lcuk
Taraxacum - great, honest share - it sounds like you are making progress. My personal experience is that the drama/chaos, etc. that comes with the disease is addictive for the A, as it helps keep the focus on things beyond the elephant in the room. It's become a pattern, a way of life and a way of coping and not facing reality. It expands beyond the active A and includes most everyone in the home.
So - detaching is the best path to peace and recovery. When mine are baiting me, I hold tight to J-A-D-E - Don't Justify, Don't Argue, Don't Defend and Don't Explain. They truly do not want to hear anything I have to say in that moment and having a discussion is not necessary or possible in those moments.
In addition to those books Betty has suggested, I encourage you to get a daily reader - anyone of the few that Al-Anon offers (also available at meetings). For me and my program, if I start my day with one of these, I am mentally grounded for how I want to focus for the day ahead. It keeps me present, and gives me something to consider as I go forward.
Make it a great day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Terra, sounds like you're doing wonderful and progressing nicely. It's good you're going to a Counselor and here for affirmation. That will not happen at home. I learned I had to build my confidence, self esteem and self worth from within here and with the 12 Steps. With the help of the Fellowship, Sponsor and HP I was able to do that one day at a time. It was hard in the beginning; I would pray, good to meetings, call my Sponsor and work the Steps and then go home. At home I was hit with manipulation, blame and outright insanity. My X would talk me into circles until I didn't even know what point I was trying to make. My Sponsor walked me through this and taught me these were the defenses that the Alcoholic uses to try to keep control over the situation, leverage and get me back to thinking in a way they were comfortable with. Basically, keeping things the same to protect their behavior. I was a threat to her behavior and way of life.
Iamhere hit it head on: My personal experience is that the drama/chaos, etc. that comes with the disease is addictive for the A, as it helps keep the focus on things beyond the elephant in the room. It's become a pattern, a way of life and a way of coping and not facing reality. It expands beyond the active A and includes most everyone in the home.
This is my experience also. The elephant in the room, everyone can seem peanuts and hay, but no one wants to talk about the elephant. No one wants to talk about the REAL problem.
Taraxacum, I think you are doing fantastically well -- really an A-plus job -- as you are able to listen and calmly respond. I believe that is not easy to do, under the stress of living day by day in an alcoholic marriage. It's a miracle, and one you have created for yourself. My hat is off to you!
I also lived with an AH although for many years I did not realize that drinking was the issue. He was very functioning, too. Successful career, never got into serious debt we couldn't get out of, no encounters with the law. But living with him became more and more difficult. As his disease progressed, and he would express frustration and anger -- which was quite different from earlier in our marriage -- I got the sense that he really was angry at himself, not at me. It still was not easy to deal with, but at least I was not taking it as my fault.
In addition to the Al-Anon literature already suggested, books that have helped me understand alcoholism are "Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham and its longer and more current version "Beyond the Influence," by Milam and Asbury. These are good if you like reading scientific information. I was able to get them from my public library.
My favorite slogans, which got me through some difficult times:
the 3 C's -- I didn't cause it, I cant cure it, and I can't control it
Thanks so much for your kind words and the reading suggestions. I'm excited to dig into those and find some more insights.
My AH seems to be coming around to this idea of my recovery, or at least he knows to accept it if he wants a shot at staying married. He apologized for his reaction to my honesty and has stopped pushing for affection which feels good tonight to have that level of respect and honesty between us.
I can feel your hurt and confusion through your writing, my friend. I do hope this level of honesty and respect continues as you work through recovery. I recently divorced my XAH but when we were married he often accused me of being the problem because I started pulling away and letting him experience the consequences of his drinking alone. I let him be responsible for 'him' and he didn't like that. We were on the merry go round called denial (there's a free flyer at most al anon meetings with that exact title) and once I got out of denial, it changed our dynamics and I stopped engaging, stopped listening to arguments that went nowhere and were just started to get me to pay attention to him, etc.
If your AH can listen to your concerns with an open mind, I think that's wonderful. My husband could not. He continues to be a binge drinking functioning alcoholic and my 17 year old son says he feels he's taken my place. But, this is the fallout from alcoholism and it's a battle we all have to fight when it enters our homes. So glad you found al anon and attend meetings and get counseling, too. Hugs and lots of support to you as you move forward!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Oooh I had a therapy appointment this morning and I am coming to see how my AH just isnt ready to be the husband I want and deserve. And as long as he can latch onto me emotionally or stir up drama to distract himself he won't look inward, won't take account of his life and decide to change for himself.
I am feeling this tension of wanting to be more honest and dreading the fall out. Wanting to be true to my heart and letting things fizz and bubble instead of blowing everything up in my face. I still have so much work to do, and I am becoming more and more aware of the mountain of issues in our relationship, and his lack of participation in any effort to change it.
Though I love him, I'm getting my ducks in a row and imagining a life where we are co-parents and not partners.
Hi Tara! You are doing exactly the right things!!!! I'm with you and also new to Al-anon! I need to have more peace and learn to detach and all that stuff. I am also getting my ducks in a row too---whatever that entails. I am so incredibly exhausted and tired of the chaos in this A marriage! always having to walk on eggshells, so many times I feel I can't even say one thing or my AH will bite my head off. It happened already about 5 times today!!!!! And every day...I'll look forward to reading that literature too!
Hi Taraxacum
I had a similar experience. When I started to detach and focus on myself my AH got very demanding and upset. He expressed similar feelings of abandonment. Detachment was a wonderful gift that Al anon gave me. It allowed me to focus on myself. It let me take time and figure out just what I wanted. It helped me to feel less like a victim who was so put upon by my AH and more empowered and able to take care of myself. For me I could see that a very unhealthy dynamic had been built up between AH and I over several years. When I detached I was able to see it very clearly and I knew I didn't want it to continue and it didn't have to continue. I could change. For the first time I seriously looked at my options to leave and I seriously considered it (in the past I would threaten him with it yet taken no action to do it, this time I didn't say a word to him about it but had a plan if things didn't work out with us). Having that plan and looking at those options for me were very important. In my case things at home improved and I chose to stay. But if things got worse again I know I could leave and that I would figure everything out. That is a great place for me to be in my recovery.
When I changed, everything around me changed. I stopped picking up the rope in the tug of war between my husband and I. And he stopped his poor behaviour towards me. Our household became more calm and peaceful in short order. I started to learn to listen to my own judgement more. My therapist told me I would know within myself what to do and how to handle situations and when to leave. It sounds kind of ridiculous now that hearing that was such a revelation for me....but it was. I have learned and am still learning to trust myself and my own judgement. To have a voice and say enough is enough or point out a crossed line. I'm doing so much better when I take care of myself first. Before Al Anon I could have focused on my AH and listed all the things he did wrong, all his problems and faults etc yet none of that helped me or him or anyone for that matter. None of that moved me further ahead. It wasn't until I found my voice and my inner strength that my life got better.
There is a lot of wisdom on this board. I started ALanon in the summer and I am still new as well. I look forward to reading further posts from you and wish you all the best in your journey.
My Sponsor walked me through this and taught me these were the defenses that the Alcoholic uses to try to keep control over the situation, leverage and get me back to thinking in a way they were comfortable with. Basically, keeping things the same to protect their behavior. I was a threat to her behavior and way of life.