The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The topic of my RL meeting this week was on fear. The moment it was introduced I wanted to run. Then we did some readings from the literature about fear. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack at times in that meeting and even though I really wanted to share I just couldn't bring myself to do it without the anxiety taking over. I realized I was full of fear. I was paralyzed by it in my meeting. I cope by pushing that fear away but it is a HUGE part of me. So I'm going to share here because it's a bit easier this way than in my meeting.
I've been thinking about what I am fearful of. The person I am most fearful of is my step mother. She is an alcoholic and my father has been with her since I was 5 years old. My memories of her are her being kind and sweet to me around everyone else and then waiting until she got me alone to say horrible nasty cruel things to me. She would corner me when I was by myself (or sometimes with her kids) and tell me I was fat, ugly, that my father didn't love me, that I wouldn't be able to come back to see him. If I made a mistake she would jump all over it, yell and scream at me, tell me how stupid I was etc. She was emotionally abusive. I told my father but he didn't believe me and said I was just trying to get my parents back together. So I tried really hard to be invisible. I learned it was safest if I was invisible. It wasn't safe to be who I am so I hid in plain sight and tried very hard to please people. Anger scared me and it still scares me. That was my way of avoiding or appeasing anger. I didn't tell my mom what was going on for a very long time. I still don't know why. When my mom found out what was going on she forbid me from visiting my father in his own home because she didn't want to subject me to that kind of abuse. So if he was going to see me he would have to take me to his sisters on a trip or to his cottage. He wasn't very organized so I rarely saw my father. As a kid after that I saw that as my father not caring about me or wanting to see me. I thought my step mother must have been right about all the horrible things she said especially about the fact that my father doesn't really love me or want me around. I carried this irrational child like fear of my step mother around for YEARS. I hear sometimes that people wish the alcoholic in their lives dead and plan their funerals. I remember very clearly as a young child wishing she would die so the abuse would stop and I thought that would make my life immediately better. I have carried that desire for her to die around for a long time. Even in adulthood I have thought about it when I feel she is making my life more difficult. Even when I was a teenager and spent some time around her again I was terrified she would try to get me alone and say something horrible to me. When I met my husband I used to ask him to protect me from her (isn't that crazy and irrational) I felt safe around her only if he was there. thankfully he was very kind and agreed to protect me from her. It's actually been interesting because he purposefully pushes her buttons and she does not act out towards him. I see she is somewhat intimidated by him because he calls things out into the open. He is very direct and blunt. And that has made me realize that she is a bully. When I Had my daughter I refused to allow her to spend time alone with her and that has never happened. I eventually realized she couldn't hurt me anymore and some of that anxiety alleviated itself somewhat in her presence.
I thought my fear was gone when I grew up and she couldn't hurt me anymore. But I see the fear I had of her come back up in many other situations in my life. When I run into someone who behaves as unpredictably as she does I freeze. I get paralyzed by fear. I am afraid of anyone with any kind of anger. Whenever I see anger I try to alleviate it fix it or feel physically sick from it. I'm even afraid of my own anger. I have suffered panic attacks because I get fearful out of nowhere. I also get very fearful if I think I have done something wrong. Because it was hard to predict what she would blow up at I always assume everything I do is wrong. I try to anticipate what I might have done wrong even when I try really hard to do everything right.
I realized in my meeting last week that I am full of fear. I am controlled by my fear and my fear is ever present in so many things in my life. It is a irrational feeling of powerlessness and helplessness the kind of fear a child would experience. I feel like I'm 5 years old whenever it hits me and all I can do is run or freeze.
In attending Al Anon I can now see how many decisions in my life I have made out of fear. How it has controlled so much of what I do and how I respond to people and things. Al Anon has also helped me understand a lot about my step mother. She's an alcoholic. She's someone who grew up with an alcoholic father who was abusive. The unpredictable behaviour she would engage in was the alcoholism. It explains a lot. I believe that some of the way she treated me was due to her poor coping skills and much of it was the disease speaking to me. One of my friends in Al Anon talks about not taking things personally. He says that if you put anyone in the situation with the alcoholic they would have treated ANYONE the same way. That has really helped me process what happened with my step mother. It stopped the self torture I was engaging in about her behaviour towards me. When I think about that I am able to not personalize it so much. I was always trying to figure out why she acted this way but I realize now how futile that is and that blaming myself isn't an appropriate answer to this anymore.
I am interested in how others have dealt with their fear. How they have helped themselves to get through their fear. Any ESH would be very welcome. Thank you for listening. It really helped to share this.
Kt it all takes time and program work
And maybe a Therapist whatever it
takes. Abuse is A dirty word full of
shame and guilt for us too. Its a hateful
Subject to face and talk about.
You might be ready soon, i detached years
Ago from my mother after therapy and
Moving away from her. That helped me,
I should not have married as soon as i did,
I was not ready. It can take years to work
Thru abuse.
Its something i was brought up in And
She was not an A just very dysfunctional
Maybe A narci.
Actually she is still my greatest fear, that i
will Have to care for her. No one else in the
Family will do it. I keep praying to God To
Have a good outcome for me. She is 83.
My xah was My barrier while we were married.
Now i am single she keeps eyeballing me.
I give her very strict boundaries especially
now after alanon, have tried the no contact
long ago. People like that do not like boundaries
or Think they apply to them.
Yes it has affected my whole life, i still get
Nervous when someone is being a bully or
An abuser. I am getting stronger and keeping
My fort in place to protect myself from abusers
And bullies. There are a lot of dysfunctional
Controlling people out there too.
Self love, self acceptance and self protection
With a loving God holding my hand.
Thank you for your beautifully expressed and powerful post. As I read it I had a sense of new awareness and fresh lessons gently releasing the pressure of your fear. It felt like I was privileged to be reading such a stunning awakening. I truly feel grateful for that.
I guess you feel like a five year old when fear grabs you because you were a five year old when the fearful abuse started. As a child, how on earth could you possibly have known or understood that your stepmother's cruelty said more about her than it did about you?! Now you are discovering some really healthy new perspectives. That is a beautiful thing to me. I hope that you can now be gentle with yourself on this beautiful journey called life. I like to remind myself that life is a huge learning curve and the self-loving thing is to be open to learning new things about ourselves as well as about the world around us.
I remember putting myself down quite a bit, thinking that 'I should know / cope / be better than I am' and all that other nonsense that we so easily do to confirm our doubts about ourselves and I understand how easy it is to revert to the lessons we learnt as children - in fact I think that in moments of stress is it perfectly normal for us to do that. One of the gifts that we have been given, often through hardship, is our awareness that we can change our reactions to things, and that we have the potential to feel differently if we choose to. Not everyone gets the chance to discover that idea!!
For example - mistakes! We all make them from time to time. I can feel like a fool when I slip up. However, I usually learn more from my mistakes than I do from any number of days of plain sailing. So they are not as bad as I think they are. I'm also learning that other people don't judge me badly because of them - in fact they usually seem mighty relieved that they are not the only ones that f-up occasionally!! Those folks that do come across as judgemental normally turn out to be hurting hurtful people themselves.
I have trouble trying not to feel responsible for other people's anger - like you I want to make things right. Every now and again I do manage to override my initial fixing instinct and experiment by leaving an angry person to sort things out for themselves. I find that it frees up my time to do more pleasurable things and stops me from taking on another person's anxiety. It seems to get easier the more I practice.
I hope some of this makes sense - I seem to have waffled on more than I meant to!!
suffered from panic and anxiety since i was 17. also came from an emotionally abusive mother situation. what helped me was finding a therapist who specializes in this. also there are groups to attend that help. lots of books. Desenzization helped me and i was fornunate enough to get in situation help and have some friend support. I take Paxil. I still suffer once in a while especially now that im out on my own again. i try to hang with the supportive people, stay out of the way of toxic people and situations
there is much help. I can travel,shop,ride a bus,ride an elevator etc with little tension
im there for u
alyce
I relate to your fears. I too shut down when I hear angry voices and when anyone raises their voice to me. I get so scared as well. All my fears of abandonment returns and I feel I am at fault they are angry. I freeze like you do and don't say anything else to not rock the boat any more. I freeze to the point that I can not say anything back in my defense. I just listen and take it on like its my issue, problem. I am learning to let it go and not stick around to hear bashing of my character and my uselessness. I am working on cutting the conversation down or walking away the moment I hear someone call me down. I have to protect myself! I am working on it that I matter and I need to do what ever it takes to protect me. I am a adult and I can protect myself, I am not a helpless child and need to tolerate BS from anyone anymore. I am learning to get a backbone slowly. I am a work in progress to. I did write down all my fears once and it was pages and pages of fears. I could not believe that. It was no wonder I felt paralyzed. All these fears kept me a prisoner. I am working on overcoming them one day at a time!
Wow, just wow. You've articulated your experience SO beautifully that I wonder if maybe you're a little farther along this road that you might even know? I hope that you copy and save this post to a journal of some kind... For me looking back on previous posts or journal entries / letters has been a really good measuring stick to show me in a tangible way that YES there is progress in my program.
While working the 4th step in the blueprint for success book there was a simple and profound question. "What was the very first lie you ever told?" I was 4 and my mother had just remarried after dating my step father for only 2 weeks. We moved from California into the basement of my grandparents home because he was unemployed and couldn't afford rent. He was a screamer, thrower, red - faced, foul language fire ball I had never encountered. I had no language to express to my mother the terror I was feeling around him. I tried telling her "I can't sleep" or " my stomach hurts" and the rage continued. I began walking on eggshells and attempting to disappear and get small...
One day during an argument I took a pair of scissors and cut off my long naturally curly hair ( a source of compliments my entire life ). I handed the locks to her when she came out of the bedroom. I remember the look of utter shock on her face. She asked me what happened and all I could say was " It fell out mama... I think I'm sick". I had no language, experience or tools at 4 and couldn't express to her what was happening inside of me - so removing that which made me adorable me was the only way to show her I was disappearing.
Fast forward several decades and I'm still processing fear, although I'm far less afraid of it now. I once heard that "Anger is fear upside down". So when I experience someone who is angry and lashing out I try to keep taking deep breaths, remain non reactive and ask myself what is it that this person is really afraid of? Also, the calmer I remain, the more centered I feel and the more silly the one with spittle flying begins to look really - I can even sometimes feel empathy for them in that moment. (still working on that!)
Self-talk works for me. I think things like " I can feel my heart is racing and my hands are shaking - but that will pass. The anxiety and the fight-or-flight chemicals I'm feeling in my body are not permanent and my heart beat will slow down and I will be ok in just a few minutes. I have a choice to remain and stand my ground peacefully and with respect - I do not have to be a slave to avoiding this feeling. I can manage it."
Lastly - the "movie mantra" is something that I picked up in therapy I think. I remind myself that often if I'm having a strong visceral reaction, it is quite possibly because an old movie in my mind from child hood has begun to play... however, I can press pause and instead look around and stay present in the moment. I'm grown and I'm safe now.
I wish you serenity and success as you do this hard work. It is so worth it! and again it sounds to me as if you're already tapping in to the love, help, nurturing and power available through your HP. (((Hugs!)))
Thanks for sharing, in terms post traumatic syndrome things that the past has equated for me, it's been fear or anger in the past and anxiety of the unknown. I work with alanon and I did go to private therapy for the trauma part of things .. I wish I had done EMDR sooner and it's a type of treatment I really recommend, working that with alanon has been the biggest growth I have had in my life.
The EMDR helped me come to peace with some things that had eaten at me for a long time, these things will sound odd, I could not sit with my back to windows, when eating out I had to have my back to the wall facing out to the public. I was just hyper-vigilant, always on guard and never feeling safe.
For me there is a difference between being powerless and feeling helpless. My therapist kept using the term powerlessness and I said no, he was going to have to use a different term, I was ok with helpless, because Alanon taught me the difference between powerlessness and helplessness. Yes, I have been victimized. I choose not to be a victim. That is the difference between the two for me. Powerlessness is admitting there are things I have no control over (which I love Jokers post about Control), the flip side of that is the power I am given in releasing the need to control people, places or things. Seeing I still have choices in how I react. I can continue to feel victimized, that's that little girl who had no choice and no voice in the circumstances I was dealing with running the show. Allowing her to react to situations on a fight or flight level, that is helplessness. That is allowing my past to dictate my present/future.
I have watched my mom live her whole life in fear of everything to me that is a horrible way to live and I was headed straight down that path. To live in fear I mean absolutely nothing brings her any kind of joy. I mean that joy that is at the depths of the soul joy. After watching her and thinking to myself .. I just want more out of life even when I'm scared, I still want to say ok one foot in front of the other. I'm not looking to go bungee jumping as I am fearful of heights in that kind of situation. I do plan on jumping out of a plane at some point. I do not want to live worrying about every single thing and doubting my higher power or myself to the point I cannot make a simple decision. The what if's. I do not want to what if myself to death over things. No decision is still a decision.
I like the idea of calculated risks that is an awesome thought and I have done things so far outside my character the past 7 months, I'm really ok with that. I moved the kids and I 800 miles. I have started a new career. I have gone on a date (first in 4 years and very first date in 17 years .. LOL, no it didn't work out and I didn't get swallowed up by the ground). I am learning to live my life on life's terms and I like it. Before I would have continued in a very miserable relationship, a dead in career and a dead end town, I know I would have been very bitter about the whole experience because that's who I was turning into. I am soooo grateful that things have worked out the way they have, if I had continued to live in fear of change and unknown I could not have accomplished what I have in a short amount of time.
It's constant baby steps though and I'm so grateful the journey is on going. I'm just in a really different space at the moment and that's a good thing. I have to keep growing forward and stop staring in the rear view mirror I like the saying there is a reason the rear view mirror is so much smaller than the windshield; there is so much more to see looking ahead.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
thank you all so much for your thoughtful and helpful responses. I got so much from your input. I think I have come a long way with this insight. It's interesting LeadfootJenny that you say anger is fear upside down because I have spent a lot of my adult life feeling angry at my step mother. And al anon helped me to let that go. When I let go of all that toxic anger then I was really in touch with the fear. I think I have come a long way with this you are right. I also like the idea of not being a slave to avoiding the feeling. That is a really powerful statement that I can relate to. Milkwood thank you so much for your post and the reminder to be gentle with myself. I am so grateful to be part of this board and to have this program.
This is a very good subject Ladies and it took me by surprise, actually captivated me as fear is/was one of my major and central character defects which I didn't know about and disguised using rage, anger and violence. When I got fearful those were the defects I habitually used without knowing I was actually activated by fear. I didn't feel fearful...I felt the other stuff...when I was fearful I offended rather than defended and my friends and family who participated in watching were most often given to supporting the idea of offensive, aggressive rather than defensive/fearful.
I did my best to be loving, compassionate and empathetic when I was young and that got me rough treatment while at the same time I was told not to fight back and that didn't work. I learned compassion and empathy in Al-Anon after 37 years of getting it up side down before that. I got people including my alcoholic/addict wife to fear me so earned my own safety. I didn't know about being respected and I didn't care fear was working better. I also earned the nickname of "crazy" and because being a loner and a runner also earned me the nick of "lone ranger".
The very best slogan given to me by my early sponsor "False Evidence Appearing Real" was huge in my recovery as I got to investigate my feelings and thinking to be able to let go of the false evidence I was using and rely on rational and realistic perceptions of what was going on in and around me and getting the clearer truer picture.
I still suffer from fear as it comes to me without much overt warning...kinda sneaks up on my serenity. That is why I am so grateful for the program and this fellowship of compassionate, loving and empathetic brothers and sisters to keep me alert and stable. (((((Mahalo)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 20th of January 2016 11:35:27 AM
-Jerry, as a fellow "sister" in the program I cannot tell you how many times your ESH have pulled me up and out of my head and my resentment. Grateful to be alert with you and our fellow MIP's and working this program brother.
