Hi ML! Glad you're back - great question! In fact, I think I posted something very similar to this conversation last spring. For me, the foundation of my program is to keep my focus on myself. So - I had to ask myself "is intimacy something that I want or need right now?". If it was, then fine. But I tried to check and double check how to proceed by asking myself if I was making a decision out of pressure from my AH, to stop an argument, or because I was worried I might "rock the boat". Often I was! A sponsor and meetings really helped me through this issue. It's a tough one.

My AH had lived 30 years filling the void and the emptiness inside of him by any means necessary. My AH would do Anything not to feel... so drugs, booze, sex, over eating, etc. etc. etc. he "used" it all and with an urgency and a volatility that I had never experienced before. with time I learned my job is not to keep him from experiencing that - it's a temporary fix and it was never enough! In fact, he now answers the question "What was your drug of choice?" by answering with a simple "MORE".

Also it helped me to remember that alcoholism is a disease that takes and takes but never gives. So, sometimes you will find that alcoholics couple up with people who give and give and rarely take. That was my disease. I rescued, fixed it, provided for him, pitied him, covered up, changed my job, did what he wanted and said "how high?" every time he said "jump!". This meant I could stay out of my own head and heart and not focus on the brokenness inside of ME. It was exhausting though and temporary and didn't fix anything at all.

The disease is terrible - alcohol and drugs change brain chemistry. My spouse however is not the disease - I have had to listen very carefully when we talk ( especially if we're distraught or emotional somehow ) to see if it's the disease speaking to me or my spouse. The disease might attempt to pressure me and lay on the guilt to get what it wants when it wants it. I try not to take that personally and I don't engage in that situation. If it's my husband though that urgency and pressure and "take take take" vocabulary is absent. Then I know it's a good time to discuss what we need to.

I hope you're able to step back and take a breath. Have you found a meeting that you liked? If not - the speaker tapes are a great way to get started along with this board and the readings.

Hugs!

It's very important for A's (as for all of us) to experience the consequences of their actions.  Not because we're deliberately planting those consequences as a way to manipulate them.  But just because that's the way the world works.  And A's typically try to numb out to escape feeling the consequences.  So part of living a healthier life is to be present for the consequences. 

One of those consequences is that when you've sown destruction and pain, people will want less to be close to you.  Physically and emotionally.

So your hesitation in being closer is protective for you, and I think anyone except an A would understand that.  (A's are frequently so consumed by the urgency of their demands that they don't pay attention to the fact that other people's needs are important too.)  But your hesitation is also healthy for him.  Because those are the consequences.  It may not be comfortable for him.  But authenticity in the relationship - that's a real relationship, not a fake one.  A healthy relationship.

If he stays on the road of recovery, and you see that he is trustworthy and healthy himself, I'm sure the desire to be closer will grow naturally.  For right now, there are other ways to get closeness.  People without partners manage, don't they?  Sharing his thoughts at his AA program; playing with his dog or another pet; getting together with friends; maybe getting a massage (not that kind! the regular kind).  Part of growth is learning how to get needs met, and that there is never only one way.

For all of us, honoring our needs is an important part of our journey.  Your needs are to take it slowly, as you've described.  That is self-protective and healthy too.  I hope you will honor that too.  Hugs.

Thank you for this post. I'm having a revelation just reading this. My AH is seeking intimacy he has for a while been pointing to me, saying I don't seek him out, wondering if I am less attracted to him. And I have been unclear or denying- assuring him I do love him but not being clear that I also feel less interested as a natural consequence of his actions. He has been seeking my attention heavily since his last binge and subsequent decision to quit drinking. I had understood this as him rushing me back to "normal" and that may be part of it but I also see him trying to avoid his emotional bottom. If he gets affection and validation from me he doesnt have to face his feelings or experience the natural consequences of his poor performance as a husband and father. hmmmm, a lot to think about and some things I need to do differently.