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Well, I just found out my AH has not been sober since April. He's been lying and hiding it and stupid me fell for it. I found the 2 little bottles hidden yesterday, confronted him and he admitted to it. He had no choice. I feel like such a fool.
Nothing is going right for us which I know is contributing to his depression and poor decisions. He is unemployed almost a year due to this disease and screwing our family financially along the way. We will probably lose our home.
I'm financially not in any place to leave right now and feel awful that my kids have to go through this. I'm trying so hard to get to f2f meetings but my work schedule really won't permit until Feb when it changes.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm heartbroken and can't see a future. I am klinging to my children and HP to get through each day.
First off I'm always amused at myself over my own reactions to my XAH lying about the most trivial things, how do you know an A is lying? Their lips are moving. I do NOT owe someone trust over a short period of time who has proven to me they are not trustworthy.
It has helped me to keep the focus on me and allow my HP to guide me to whatever the truth is, the more I trust myself because I trust my HP the less I will try to fix, manage and control. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter if he's lying or not lying the reality is what are YOU going to do about it. If I continue to trust someone I know has a record for lying to me then am I not causing my own pain? If I accept the person where they are at and understand they have their own journey, then I am not going to feel foolish for expecting them to be something they are not which is a healthy responsive person.
I do love how he flipped on you which by the way is a very A thing to do .. after all he has to lie because in the words of Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men, .. you can't handle the truth. As odd as it is going to sound it's a partially true statement .. after all he's going to have consequences that HE doesn't want to deal with if you find out he's drinking.
That's where program comes into play and that's where the rubber hits the road, do you mean what you say and can you say it without being mean .. I have good days on that one and not so good days. My life is just sooo much easier when I'm not constantly having unrealistic expectations.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
JL - so very sorry for your situation and for the findings and news. There is not one thing that you can do about his choices...any of them. The drinking, the falsehoods, etc. You have every right to your own feelings right now, just remember that feelings aren't facts. I've been where you are, and it's not a pleasant place to be. It doesn't have to be 'the end' though - of anything. This is where, for me, the program has to carry me - along with my higher power.
Just for today, you can choose to react or not. Just for today, you can choose to go to a meeting or not. Just for today you can choose to avoid him or not. Just for today, you have the power to decide what changes or not for you and your children. I am one who tries to stay focused on what is working vs. what is not working.
The facts as I see it....
He's drinking less or you would have known. This is progress, which is what we look for. Expecting perfection is a recipe for distractions.
He's not drinking at you; he's drinking because that's what the disease tells him to do. When we say it's cunning, baffling and powerful - it is. It consistently pulls at you - telling you it will be OK and it's insanity but real.
He's relapsed. That happens. You can still chase recovery. There is always hope.
You don't have to decide anything today. Just process, listen to your heart and love yourself and your child.
I do not ever condone an alcoholic, nor do I assume how they've always been is how they will always be. I have hope for everyone, so long as they are still breathing.
So, take a deep breath, and focus just on today. You are not a fool and you did nothing wrong. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't change him/the disease. But, you can take care of you and work the program and make decisions with a healthy mind once the emotions settle.
You will be OK in spite of him drinking. We are here for you and you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am sorry that you are feeling so upset at the moment. It is very hard and devastating when the disease rears its ugly head. You are not stupid and have every reason to feel unsettled. That being said there is hope. You get to determine how you respond to this latest setback. All is not lost. During these times I find it helpful to me to think about what I am grateful for. You do not have to do anything drastic at the moment. Let your focus be on you and your kids and finding peace and serenity in spite of what your AH is doing. Hugs to you
I'm sorry for all the fallout you're experiencing due to alcoholism. When I first read your post, I almost chose not to respond. I thought what can I possibly say that wouldn't sound trite considering your circumstances. But I did lose my home and my life is far more manageable and serene today. It took time and my higher power's guidance. I was angry, resentful and beside myself when I learned as you have that after almost a year in recovery, he had never stopped. Then I became the scapegoat for his disease. His family decided I was the cause, had the power to take my home from me and did. This didn't happen without a fight and today through the eyes of recovey, I can see all the amazing people who were once strangers and became my friends who the god of my understanding put on my path through that awful ordeal. I'm grateful because it amped up my faith in a power greater than myself and alcoholism. You might be saying right now, that's all great but how does that pay my bills or keep a roof over my kids heads? I can only say that attending Alanon and continuing to tell my story and hearing others gave me the courage to take actions on my own behalf that I'd had no experience with prior. We have online meetings at this site if you can't get to f2f meetings. Maybe the meetings can help you in some way. I'd like to offer you a suggestion based on personal experience. Please take what you like and leave the rest as we say in this program. If your husband has lied, been drinking all the while, admitted it; if you can just accept it as a fact but keep moving forward without expectations of him. This isn't letting him off the hook for a situation that in part his alcoholism may have created, it's just that until an alcoholic gets sober many times their words and then actions don't match up. Right now, he may promise you the moon but it doesn't mean he'll follow through on what he promises. Denial of this and believing in isolated instances of being there for you as proof he will consistently be there for you and your family while he's still using alcohol will only slow you down personally with getting done what you need to do in perhaps a crisis situation for your family. I hope you'll join us in meetings here. You really are not alone. This is not a new problem and there are plenty of tools and resources if you're willing. I hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us. There's hope for you, your kids and your husband. Thank you for sharing. ((((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you so very much for the very helpful responses. I can't begin to tell you how badly I needed them. It makes me feel "less alone". I am doing my very best to work on me today.
Kudos JL - great job. Just for today, that's what we do! Program, meetings, self-focus and self-care - it helps us realize what we can control and what we can not. Take good care of you and be gentle!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi JL and welcome! I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with - it all sounds very familiar, sadly. I hope you will be able to find the time to get involved with a F2F group - it really does a world of good and always makes me feel "understood" and not alone. In the meantime, I hope you will continue to come back here. I am one step forward, one step back in my program right now, (sometimes 2 steps back) but I understand that it is a process and it didn't happen over night so I can't expect myself to change over night either. I have been experiencing much less stress and anxiety as I try to be consistent with my program.
I don't know if I will ever understand the sneakiness and lying about the alcohol. I have told my AH before that if he would just drink and not try to be so shady about it, it would not be so hurtful. I guess that is part of it, for my AH anyway. He eats cough drops all of the time because he thinks that covers the smell. I have to laugh. With him, I really think that a huge part of his disease is trying to put on this make-believe persona, and he actually believes that everyone around him believes it and can't see the reality. Sad. It used to make me so angry (and still does on occasion) but mostly now I just feel sorry for him.
The Hope for Today was about the importance of sharing. JL, I found your share and all it's responses right when I needed it. I am having a hard day today and I was thinking that I didn't really have the mental energy to post about my troubles but maybe I could read and see if anything helped...and voila! This board and this family is amazing.
I am pretty sure (because my nose tells me) that my claims-to-be-sober AH has started drinking again. Last night I asked him if he had been drinking because he smelled of alcohol and stone faced he said "no" and that was the end of the conversation. I don't believe him, but ever since I got that first whiff I have been trying to figure out why it even matters to me, and how to not let his actions derail me. Our home has been so much happier since his recent sobriety and what I am realizing is that a confirmed relapse wouldn't really change any reality, he is an A and always will be. On his journey there are bound to be bumps in the road for him to deal with. The only thing it changes is the fantasy world, that in this short time, I have already allowed myself to create. Finding out he's drinking his secret vodka makes the perfect home-life dream crumble and brings me down with it. I have to realize that "world" was never real to begin with, so how can it crumble if it never existed?
I need to work on me, and the good news is, I have the power to do that. Thank you for sharing JL, it helped me more than you know.
