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Our alcoholic son, who we no longer allow to live here, still receives mail at our house. Spouse and I talked it over, and we're going to try to convince AS to get a post office box and change his address. We are willing to pay for six months' box rent up front to cut this tie he has with our home. He comes to get the mail when I text him about it, walks in with a grouchy comment, grabs the mail and walks back out. Period. He's making the point that he doesn't want to be here, or is mad at us, or whatever; but it's really uncomfortable for us and leaves a wake of unhappiness in our home. This is not to mention that if his legal troubles come to a head, we don't want legal papers to be delivered here or have constables assume he lives here because this is his mailing address.
If he won't sign the change of address forms for a new post office box, we're going to have to mark his mail "not at this address" and turn it back to the post office. I was feeling a little doubtful about doing this, but as I write this I realize it's the right thing to do. I'm using his mail to maintain contact with him--he has to come here to pick it up, so I can see him and know how he's doing. But that's a false connection. I'm hanging on when I should be letting go. How he feels about changing his address is not the question here; we have to do what we think is best.
So sad, that our relationship with AS has come to this.
Foothold - I understand where you are and the feelings of sadness when he flies in and out......I have 2 sons and they've both done 'this'. They both have addresses now so I put in a change of address for them - it did not require a signature online (US)...
And yes - legal papers have come, bills, collection notices, police, sheriff and more have all come knocking. It was always concerning and I did find more peace when I was able to detach. I put all of their mail into a drawer out of my sight and stopped calling them. I figured if it was important, they'd call and ask. Sometimes they did and other times the mail sat there a while - notices, checks, bills, legals, etc.
So - I do understand and you can set up whatever boundary works for you, and then detach. That's what I had to do!
You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Foothold I understand your pain. I too have a alcoholic child. It seems like you have done a good job of examining your motives for continueing to gather his mail and then being honest with yourselves about it. It is sad when our relationships break down and for me during those times I really try to focus even more on myself and what I need to be doing for me. None of us know what the future holds. None of us know what will be the bottom or turning point for another. I do know that for me when I take the steps I need to protect myself, set boundaries, and allow my child to clean up her own messes I am helping myself to let go of the outcome. Hugs to you. Our kids have a special place in our hearts that tug at every fiber to "help" them. I remind myself that the act of letting go is helping us both as excruciating as that is some days.
I think you're doing great to understand your own motives so clearly. Well done. Sorry it is painful but letting go sounds like the right thing to do.
(((Foothold)))
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I Just went thru this Very thing with my AStep Son... He worked for us in our Small Company and ALWAYS Kept his Address with us, even tho he didn't live here for Years....His Relationships would Jump House to House, and tho he has been with this Gal for 11+ years he still never Changed it...
His Addictions have Pretty Much taking over and this Past April We had to Let him Go...He was Doing things to Our Company that No Child should do to their own fathers Hard Work and He Clearly was Only going Further and Further in the Wrong Direction...I had Ask him After Leaving if he Could Please Get a PO Box so As I Could Forward his Mail... I Ask At Least 3 Times... To Which he always Said... "I Will" with Zero Follow thru... I was Getting Certified Letters they wanted ME to Sign, Bills, Late Notices you Name it... Even Cops at the Door... I Discussed it with my Husband and Decided... From that Moment On... I would Not Ask again... I Cross Off Our Address and in Red Ink Put "MOVED Return to Sender" NOW... If They Want him, its Their Job To Find him, Not Mine...
I hate what this Disease has Done to Him and I have Offered Help Many times Over, but I have Realized thanks to this Program... He Has His Own HP, and its NOT ME... I Can Love him, but I Do Not Have to Take on His ICK :/ and He Has Plenty...
Sounds Like your Program is Working... and Your on the Right Path... Sorry for your Pain thru this, but know you are Not Alone... KEEP COMING BACK....
Hi ! So sorry you're another heartbroken mom too! My AS is one of my "qualifiers" so they say along with my AH. It hurts so bad when you see someone you adore, especially a child ruining their life and body! My AS is also addicted to drugs. I have been asking my husband for about 2 years now to "let's set some boundaries".....especially when he got out of jail for DUI. To no avail. It finally occured to me the why is because my husband is also an an addict, and an awful example!!!!! I am so alone in this! I just want to run away and escape! You are handling this just right I think. It is time for "tough love". How old is your AS? Mine is only 22! So young.......We must love our sons, and tell them so, and keep reminding them there are meetings and help when they are ready to go! Maybe give him a meeting schedule or put it with his mail!!!!! Tell him you are praying for him too! I tell my son this every day.
Foothold, glad you are here,this board and my face to face meetings have been a lifeline.
As Iamhere says, all you need to do is fill out that change of address online. If AS doesn't continue to pay for it after 6 months then he doesn't. I also have an alcoholic child and these boundaries are difficult at first but necessary for my continued well-being.
I recently titled a car to my AD (she is 5 plus months sober) and had her get her own insurance so my husband and I are no longer legally responsible should she have another DWI.
Our boundary is that she cannot live with us if she was not sober and now I have given her a car to actually live in should she relapse. Terrifying to me , but recently a member reminded me that I still have the power to call the police if I believe she is drunk driving, even if I can't report the car stolen.
It's amazing how my thought process has changed since coming to the program. I am powerless over her and everybody else. It's such a difficult concept for us parents.
I feel for you in this situation :( I don't have (so far) an A son or daughter, but I can only imagine the heartbreak that it brings. It sounds like you are taking the right steps forward for you and your son and your serenity :)
Yes it is a daily heart wrenching experience. my son left home twice and returned both times,yes I allowed that too for I was not ready to let go either. It seems we are in a morbid codependent relationship for many many years. in which I am more damaged than he is.
after these many years I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I really can do little to cure him.
having lost that hope i feel now even more hurt alone and vulnerable.
I am trying now with the alanon tools to turn the spotlight on myself and recover from the pain and grief and try not to make him the centre if my existence and hence the controller of my moods and well being.
sometimes I feel so pessimistic that I could ever be able to make a positive change in myself for myself.
Shakti, I think it can be done. Not overnight, for sure. And some bad days (and bad decisions, like me letting our AS come here for dinner this past weekend) in with the good ones. This process is a good one, though, and this is a good place to come for support. ::hugs::
