The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading about detachment on the board here and its helping me so much. I had a good laugh today, the first one in awhile. Talked to ABF this morning and he has "another plan-buy oil stalks." This time, I responded with that is a good idea and went on to talk about something else. I did not ask how much you want to invest or about the details. I know emotionally I would get sucked in again and my emotions will be everywhere again. I am seeing a pattern that I have not seen before, he is physically here but his mind is gone! He has "plans after plans" that "he talks about" but does not make into reality. Its like he puts his plans out there for me to hear so I can do the footwork for him to make into a reality. Meanwhile he is just going to work and being physically present but not mentally. I laughed and laughed this morning as to how mentally messed up he really is. He is living in a fantasy world and his plans must be 15 years worth of pages and pages and pages he has not done a thing about. I know understand that he will continue to "make plans, talk about his plans that he will never make into reality." Its all talk and no action on any of his plans. I do not have to participate and make "his plan my problem or make it a reality for him. " If he believes in "his plan" he will do the footwork required to make it a realty. I know for me when I have an idea and I believe its a good idea, I take action to make it a reality. "talk does not equal reality." The only thing I see a reality is him being physically present at work and nothing else. I had a further good laugh as his body is there but his mind is completely gone and he must be having hallucinations. Its a sad thing but today, for my mental and emotional state I have to laugh at the nuttiness of it all. Had to share my awareness...
I know tomorrow or the next day it will be a new plan. Just have to laugh at it and say to myself his mind is working overtime again and good luck...I have to stay in today for me!
i see that this is not my monkey and not my circus. I have to keep reminding myself of that and focus on me and what I can do today. I prayed today to god to please set me free from this man. This is first time I asked for this. I am grateful I am seeing the light!
Those of us in Alanon are so taken in by these crazy plan makers. I know I saw the light when my hubby said "we need to move. Find a house big enough for our family". But whenever I would come home with a house for sale that I looked at and was perfect for us, he blew apart the plans and nitpicked away at it. After a year of this, finally I said I quit and I told myself that I would not lift a finger to find us a new home, but if he thought it was important enough to put his own energy in, then he could do it. In a couple of months he "heard" about this perfect house and since it was all his idea I let him handle it. I didn't know if he would follow up or not but my expectation was that he would not. He assumed that I would take care of it, but I did not. A few months later it was still on the market and he did the footwork himself. I really think he valued it more because he did it himself. Final story.... we did move. But I did not look and find it. I let him do the work.
Expectations. You are learning that you can't have any good ones when you are dealing with a diseased mind.
I have always loved the, "Not my circus - Not my monkeys" statement. It brings home to me that I can listen or pretend to listen and respond or not respond. The program, steps, slogans and sponsor have given back my strength to chose.
Joker - when the disease was active all around me, I had perpetual insanity circling me most of the time. I learned in the program to keep the focus on me and to let them do what they want to do/need to do. Keep doing what you're doing - you are realizing how the disease affects the qualifier and that you have choices for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
