The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just got back last week from my holiday with my family back east. It was very nice to have time with both my mom and my sister. I came back hoping for some sort of breakthrough as to if I want to stay with my ABF or not. Needless to say no answers where clear. What is clear is that on returning from our time apart nothing has changed. My ABF still has done nothing to stay clean or get his life in order with a job. Hes run out of money and its bill paying time and now I'm stuck picking up his slack. I know this is my doing that I need to put my foot down. But its clear the only way to do that is to cut all ties and put him out on his ass. I'm not sure I can do that. Before he came home we talked about bills and I said when he got home he would need to get a job. He agreed but today he woke up at 1pm and is going to play basketball not look for a job. He knows that money is tight for me as I want to get out of our living situation with our roommates and get my own place "without him". Even though he agrees with me his actions speak otherwise. So today when I get home I'm going to lay it all out on the line. I just cant do it anymore. I just don't know the best way to approach it all, and I'm really scared. I love my ABF very much but I'm just cant take it anymore. I feel taken advantage of and it hurts. I have been actually considering moving back east the past few days just to get out of this bad situation. I really don't like it back east but my family is there and I do miss them a lot. I feel very overwhelmed with all these thoughts.
-- Edited by ItsAllAboutMeMC on Tuesday 12th of January 2016 05:35:23 PM
This does sound very painful I think alanon face to face meetings will help you to regain your ability to focus on your needs, restore your self esteem and enable you to make wise choices.
Please search them out and attend.
I agree the Al-Anon tools make all of our dealings with the A easier and more peaceful.
Often we hope to get the agreement of our A before we take action. But that makes it easy for them to control the situation. They want to preserve things the way they are - the way that's easy for them. So all they have to do is not agree to our plan - or seem to agree and then not follow through - and they control the situation totally. We're stuck.
The way we can take back our power is to do what we aim to do without their agreement. Of course they will push back. They urgently want things to stay the way they are, a way that enables their drinking and unhealthy lifestyle. Whenever we try to change, there's a "change back!" effort on their part. Maybe promises and tears, maybe tantrums, maybe subtle underming. Maybe all three in a row. They are testing to see if they can control us. That is what your boyfriend is doing now - in my experience. It's part of the A toolbox called "Ignore reality and make it go away."
So my experience is that you don't have to tell him what you're going to do next and get his agreement. You can just do it. Just take the first steps, and then the next steps, and so on. You can mention it to him when appropriate, of course. "As I said, I'll need to be moving out. I've found a place and I'll be moving over there on the 2nd. Just thought I should keep you in the loop."
It's also good to have a plan for his big attempts to get you to "Change back!" Because when the disease feels threatened, it pulls out all the stops. Maybe you could set up a friend to expect you there to spend the night if he's up ranting at you, or the places and times of all the Al-Anon meetings every day to help you de-stress and get support when he's indulging in the craziness. It helped me to keep a notebook of all the crazy things he did, so I was never tempted to go back, despite all his promises and threat of loneliness and all. (The fear was much worse than the reality, by the way.) If you were looking for a sponsor, maybe focus on looking. Things like that. He will be determined to make it hard for you, so you can be determined to make it easy for you.
Right On Mattie and Betty that is what and how I learned by attending to the program as suggested. Your thoughts and words are the same as those of my sponsorship. It works when you work it Mya come in, sit down, listen, learn, practice, practice, practice...and keep coming back. (((hugs)))
