The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in a relationship with an A, who also has anxiety issues. he does not drink every day, or every weekend. but when A does drink, there is no stopping. and he is verbally abusive to me. it has never gotten physical. and afterwards, there are apologies, presents, promises of never doing it again, and good times shortly follow. but then the cycle starts again. it starts slowly with one beer, then a few beers, then beer and shots, then over time, its back to drinking everything in sight, not stopping. this past tuesday it got to be the worst incident I have yet to experience. I got screamed at, nose to nose, called names and for the first time i was afraid. again the apologies have started, along wight all the other after drunken episodes. but this was the first time i got scared. i believe my A has bipolar disorder i see the cycles. A will start to drink to go to sleep and calm the anxiety. I'm just so sad, so scared and i don't know what to do or how to handle this.
Hi Elizabeth, glad to have you here with us. Your post sounds very familiar. The symptoms prior to picking up the drink(anxiety) and then the inability to control the drink once started(physical allergy). Then the guilt, shame and self loathing generates the apologies, gifts and vows to not have it happen again. The cycle of addiction. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and fatal disease unless one gets help. It gets worse, not better if not treated.
First off you need to take care of YOU. If there's a safety issue, you may have to separate yourself from the A. Next, I would suggest attending Alanon meetings and keep sharing your thoughts and feelings here. Read some of the post here and relate to the thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You will see how Alcoholism is a Family Illness and effects everyone it comes into contact with. With this action you will learn about the disease of Alcoholism and how to care and focus on YOU, not the A.
Keeping coming back, it helps all of us. Alone we stay sick, together we get well.
Aloha Sally and welcome to the board...Mike did clearly very well with his response to you and there is more coming...we have been thru the disease of addiction and alcoholism and while there have been differences it is the similarities of our recovery experiences that have gotten us healed. Healing is about self focusing on our now needs and then working on fulfilling them. One of those needs is safety and I suggest that if there is a next time when he gets angry and abusive to calmly tell him you'll come back when you feel safe and then go...no discussion about how he sees safe for you. We learn safe boundaries and how to say what we mean, mean what we say without saying it mean. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP Sally - glad that you found us and glad that you found your courage to share.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and is also a family disease. While it affects the drinker greatly, it also affect those who love the drinker or live with him/her. It's not curable but can be arrested with recovery. Recovery is a personal journey and AA if for an alcoholic while Al-Anon is for the family/friends of the alcoholic.
We never give advice - one exception - is potential physical danger. It does sound as if his disease is progressing, and if you have fear or feel you are in danger, I would try to remove yourself as necessary. Only you can determine/decide what the danger level is but please take care of you and put yourself and your safety first.
I encourage you to look for local Al-Anon meetings and attend. You will find local resources and fellowship that understand what you are living with and can relate to what you are feeling. I found that the members of the fellowship were willing to listen openly without advising me and without judgement. It was a huge and needed gift as all other discussions before this were either guarded (my part) or judged (by others who don't understand).
You are not alone and we do understand. Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Sally! I can totally relate and am also new to Al-Anon. I have been married a long time, and we have a history and a family so it is very difficult for me to know what to do. If I were you though, if your relationship is new, you're not married and have no kids with this A man, I would really ask yourself do you want this sort of man in your life moving forward? An addict? Of course it is your decision though. We all have to make our own choices in this life, and I believe Al-Anon will help us do this.
I'm so sorry you also have an A abuser to deal with. It's no fun. I just long for some peace now in my life, as I'm sure you do too. We need tools to help us! I know I do!
Hi Jerry! That's a great boundary: to say "I'll come back when I feel safe"......this really helps me alot right now. I thank you. Since I must continue living with my AH for now, I am in desperate need of knowing what to do or say, and boundaries. I don't feel safe sleeping next to my AH right now at all, just knowing he called me every name in the book when drunk, then thinking I can just go to sleep in peace next to him? No way. I miss my normal husband next to me, but sadly the AH is ruining any chance for that. That is His choice, but my choice not to be around him.
I love the idea of setting boundaries and protecting yourself by leaving and coming back when you feel safe. Early in my relationship with my AH there was a really bad drinking/depressive incident and once he was sober I told him if it happens again I'll go stay with a friend. I remember his response was "I don't think that would be good for me." I remember feeling shocked at how selfish his reply was.....when did I ever mention that I was doing it for him? So really, I can never wait for him to consider my feelings, boundaries etc....because in a lot of ways they don't exist in his mind. I have to learn to set my own, respect myself and do what's right for me. It's a constant challenge for sure, but very good practice for me. I wish you the best!
