The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Do you ever feel this way?
The constant repetition of our A's bad decisions are so wearing (despite trying to use all the tools of AlAnon).
Detaching with love and Letting go are "mental and emotional" escapes....distancing oneself from the turmoil of the A's life......
But wouldn't physical escape be all the more effective?
I mean physically moving away, severing all contact, cutting all means of connection from the A.......moving to a place where no one knows of your connection to the A and so you aren't contacted by police, lawyers, bill collectors who are trying to find A.
Or being asked by your A's old teachers, or childhood friend's parents, or even your own friends, "what is A doing now" "where is A working" or having to respond to people's questions after they have heard about A's crimes on the news or read about A on internet or......
Honestly sometimes I think that escape is a good option. This is especially true when you are suffering from consequences that you, in no way, caused. So if one has a place to go and will not be isolated from everyone and will be able to live in peace, then why not!
Yes, I've felt this way! Not necessarily to the point of moving far away from family, friends, job, hobbies etc... I did separate and then divorce my wife. It was hard, but one of the best things I've done. I learned here that I no longer was going to settle for less. Unacceptable behavior became just that- unacceptable. Being in no relationship was better than being in a bad one.
I did separate from my A. It cut the feeling the consequences down by 99%. Blessed relief! He can suffer his own consequences, but I got out of the way of them.
I enforce boundaries with my 2 A sons to where they had to move out. When bill collectors would call or send notices via the mail, I gave the mobile number of the child and/or put in a forwarding address notice to the post office. Part of my long term plan is to relocate ... and I may or may not tell them where I am going. I want to go where there are fewer seasons as I truly dislike the cold as I age....
In the meanwhile, I have taken trips to see my parents (another state) and also done some weekend trips (conferences & girls get-away) to break up the situation. I do not answer the phone unless I recognize the phone # and I don't answer questions about my qualifiers as I feel they can speak for themselves.
I fully understand and would do anything to get away when the chaos and drama was in full-swing. Sometimes I couldn't get away fast enough - even if it was just a walk around the block...
You aren't alone - we do understand - keep coming back!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Oh boy do I want to escape!!!!!!! I wish I could have a new marriage with a non-addict who's loving without all these issues, just a normal, loving decent man. But when you have a long-standing marriage, a family, children, a deep history together, it becomes much harder, and when you're older too, like me! God will have to provide an alternative for me! Just taking it one day at a time and trusting God for my future! If I was younger, and had options, I would totally get OUT completely of this chaos!!!!!!
We can do little escapes, like going to the movies, etc....
I use to get off on blaming my alcoholic/addict and others until my freaking sponsor asked me that question...you know the one that turned the focus back on my self. "So what was your part in it"?? I use to hate that question for what I was going to learn about me and not about my qualifier and then I learned to love it because "my only problem is me....and my only solution is God". When I changed me I made my escape. Thanks all. ((((hugs))))
Yes, I did and it has been a blessed relief for my children and myself. Honestly it was really good for him too. If tyre court stuff was resolved that would be fantastic for the kids and I. I speaking with my sponsor she actually encouraged me when I told her I was thinking of moving. All situations are different and that small dead end town again for my situation with lots of prayer attached to that situation it was the best for us. Hugs s :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
AA describes this as wanting a "geographic" and that it does not work. That unless we work a diligent program of recovery, we end up taking ourselves with us wherever we go.
I have a nephew who took early retirement and has moved to different States with different climates 4 times in the last 2 years. He cannot find the happiness he seeks and returns more unhappy than before.
Program suggest we work on ourselves and change our" insides" so we can be with HP in any situation and have the Courage, Serenity and act with wisdom . It is not an easy road we walk so I am happy we do so together
oooh yup. I see myself sometimes rearranging the deck chairs on a sinking ship. Making changes and hoping for the best but ignoring the biggest issues. Moving or getting away from AH seems so easy, but wouldn't solve them problems I'm facing.
My AH has been deflecting. He doesnt want to go to a program or get any kind of formal support. He quit drinking, still smoking pot though, and is sure we are done talking about alcohol issues. He wants to work on our mariage which is great but his issues he chooses to focus on also feels like a way of side-stepping the bigger scarier things.
I'm holding the tension of giving him space and calling him in to participate in some healing/reflective work with me. And carrying on with my recovery whatever he decides to do.
Yes! I sometimes wish I had the courage and strength and means to RUN. But I have kids and a million other excuses...so for now, I want to try and deal with it as gracefully as I can, with the least amount of fallout on myself and my children. One. Day. At. A. Time.
Beautifully said Jerry & Betty..who among us has not wanted to escape? Now I escape to meetings, meditation, this board, small errands, going to bed early, whatever to gain that exposure to ESH and serenity. Can still fantasize about hitting the Powerball and not leaving a forwarding address when I go :)
I LEFT AFTER 24 YRS OF MARRIAGE. iT IS SO GREAT TO HAVE SPACE IN MY HEAD THAT USED TO BE FILLED WITH XAH'S NONSENSE AND CONCERNS AND MY STRESSES FROM IT. NOW I HAVE ROOM IN MY HEAD AND ROOM IN MY HEART
For me I did escape ( or so I thought ) and got a divorce, packed the car and drove away with three boxes and two kids in tow. No program though... Uh Oh ( in the words of Brittany Spears ) "oops I did it again". The problem for me WAS mental. Until I fixed the way I think, perceive, and experience my own thoughts and emotions it wouldn't matter what zip code I landed in.
2nd marriage... Now I have this program and when I do need to escape - I do it differently. 3 day weekend away, counseling, a long walk with my camera in tow, a meeting, a pedicure...
This however is an individual path we walk and the journey is yours. It can be utterly exhausting to live with an active alcoholic / addict. I hope HP gives you the compass and direction you need very soon and some respite as well.
Dear Ones: Thank you so much. I appreciate you all so much! Thank you thank you. I thought there was an on-line meeting at 6.....darn that's only Monday-Sat. I need Al-anon for my sanity.
I don't think there is any one thing that restores our sanity. Leave...not leave....as someone said above, they have the same problems, same feelings miles away.
2nd, 3rd marriages, how does this help? It only makes our children a little more screwed up, I think.
I think of escape constantly, I love my ABF he is in AA but struggles a lot and the tension get so bad and the aired so toxic you think what the hell am I do here, but then you have the good days and the good moments and know if you can tough it out and work through all this crap it will be good or so you think. I have no where to go to no family to take me in and not enough money in my own to have my own escape route as I think if I'd be better off alone. I feel you Hun and I swear I hope light shines hope on your situation
Just tell yourself you're worth it! Because you are. You're young and beautiful. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please do not make your life with an addict or you're in for hell.
MYLife Please keep attempting to work the alanon program before making any major life changes or decisions. Recovery is a process and walking away without first working on the destructive negative attitudes that we have developed as the result of living with this disease is just taking yourself with you and history will probably repeat.
