The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am going to try and make a long story short, or at least the cliff notes version.
I have an ah; I left for a little over a year and he was sober the last 7 months, he lost 140 lbs and was doing so well, so I went back thinking things had dramatically changed, boy was I wrong, he began drinking again, he has a spacific pattern of drinking liquor every other night . He has a habit of keeping me up (when he's drinking) at night 3 hours or more lecturing me about everything that I am inadequate at, and his list is forever long. Meanwhile i have to be up early for work. He works 7 days a week and never takes time from work, he believes that he is entitled to drink due to overwork and the need to destress, mind you, the stress and work are my fault. I do have debt that he obsesses over, this debt is mine alone and he does not pay for it, and I have never have asked him to. I am tired.......my pastor says that I am to to have a forgiving heart, but how does that fit into alanon? I have spent the better part of 10 years forgiving him every other night. He is a good man when he's sober (Jeckl) and every other night when he drinks he turns into a monster (Hyde). I feel like I am living with two different people!
When I felt as you did, I stumbled accross these words from toby rice drew, author of getting them sober.
" very few people could stay sane in your home". Its true.
Alcoholism is crazy making, so I'm glad you and I and many others are here in alanon. Forgive ness is different things to different people. I guess it can be the oposite of resentment. Keep coming back you're not alone.
You can have a forgiving heart and still choose not to live with him. I feel your pain and understand what you are going through. My AH has been sober for 7 months too and I fear relapse every day. I do know that I can't go back to living like I was before Al Anon. Thank god for this program and I work every day to keep in the moment. alcoholism does make you and everyone around it crazy. I feel it is worse when you are living in it daily and living with the alcoholic. Take care of yourself but know that you are not alone in these feelings.
Welcome Amanda You are not insane-- You have been living with the disease of alcoholism and because of this, your self esteem, self worth and ability to validate what you know to be true has been damaged.
Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and it is here , with like minded people that I was given the tools to live my life in a constructive sane manner.
Please give alanon a try and do not make any major decision before at least 6 months in program.
Please keep coming back as well there is hope.
I too welcome you Amanda - glad you found us at MIP and glad you shared!
The disease of Alcoholism is progressive and chronic - it can't be fully cured but can be arrested with recovery. Recovery to me is more than abstinence - the disease affects the spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological parts of the person and all those areas need to be treated. For those of us who live with or love an alcoholic, we are affected as well as it's a family disease. Al-Anon is our recovery program, and we do learn how to detach and find joy/peace no matter what the qualifier is doing (or is not).
Choose recovery for you. It can and will change your life and provide you with supportive people that understand.
Keep coming back - we're just a post away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It fits in well to Al Anon I believe. To me forgiveness doesn't mean being a doormat, forgiveness is letting go of a grievance, giving it to our Higher Power, and not holding it against the other person. In fact, we can be an unforgiving doormat, that is where resentment and pent up anger come from. If your husband has a pattern of drinking again and again, and you find that unacceptable, then you don't have to be around it to forgive him. If he can't stop pestering you about things that have already been discussed through, then that seems like it is also unacceptable behavior to you, and he should do something about it. If he can't, then you can move on but still forgive him for it.
Amandasheart, your story resonates with me. I understand your feelings so well. I am still learning my way through this journey. I can say with assurance that you ARE NOT insane, the situations we find ourselves in ARE insane. And we must find a life for ourselves that is acceptable to us in spite of the circumstances of our loved ones sobriety. Not an easy task, but I believe it is one that can an will be worth the effort. Always remember that forgiveness is for you more than your husband. It is releasing the resentments that keep us stuck in a place we long to be free from. Forgiveness is not forgetting, it is releasing resentments, for me anyway.
Good luck on your journey and please know you are not alone!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Your share definitely takes a page from my book as wel . When my AH has been drinking he will often want to 'talk' right when we get into bed. I guess he figures that's the only time he can count on me being still long enough to listen. . Any other time I'm always busy around the house or with the kids...and he too can go on and on for hours talking with me not saying a word. It would start out as just him venting about his feelings ( drunk logging) but that would always quickly turn from talking about himself to him taking MY inventory for a good hour or two. It used to really tick me off as I too needed to get up early the next day ...but I quickly figured out how to tune him out and would eventually fall asleep on him...now all he's got is a good 20 mins before he begins to hear snoring from the other side of the bed!LOL
Hey there Amandasheart,
Even the title of your post struck a cord with me. Am I insane? I had that same feeling all the time before I came to Al Anon. The first step in realizing I was powerless over alcohol and my ah also helped me realize that his accusations and rants about me weren't true either. I'm powerless over him. I can't make him stop drinking or drink more. It goes both ways right? It helped me detach a little bit. He's responsible for him and I am responsible for me. No matter how much he blamed me (and everyone and everything around him) for his problems I wasn't really the cause and I couldn't fix them. He had to. I set limits with my AH. I struggle with sleep as well. My ah used to drink often at night so that by the time we went to bed he was intoxicated and acting at his worst. That was the most likely time that he would launch into an argument with me get me twisted and turned up inside until I couldn't sleep and then he would pass out lol. I had to set a boundary with him. I don't want to discuss things at bedtime. If he wants to discuss something serious with me it has to be when he has not had a drink and not at that specific time because I need my sleep to be able to go to work and do my job. If he didn't respect my boundary I went to another room to sleep for the night and ignored his rants. It took a little while of being firm about it but I realized I had to take care of myself in this area. And I was kind and reasonable about it because I offered other times of the day that we could talk about his issues. Once I started to get more sleep and I wasn't staying up until 2am all upset and worried I felt so much more sane. And in my case the stuff my AH says when he's drunk isn't accurate. I don't think he even really believes it. Of course I did not find this out until I had set this boundary and had broken (my part in) this pattern with him. I found that when I would offer to discuss the issue that was such a burning issue the night before over coffee in the morning it was suddenly not a problem for him or he often didn't know what I was talking about. To me that was a sign that he was in a black out state at times he was becoming his most angry and argumentative. My AH is two different people when he is drunk and when he is sober. I am glad you have identified that because it took me so long to realize that. For me that helped me to decide that I really only want to engage in any serious conversation with Dr. Jekyl and when Mr. Hyde comes out I'm not going to be around and engaging with him because no good ever comes of it. I still have compassion for him. I am able to separate him from the disease. The anger and frustration I had with his crazy behaviour when drunk would make me so hostile and rigid towards him all the time. Al anon has helped me lose that hostility and anger. It has helped me recognize he is a person with a disease. It has helped me have compassion for him while still taking care of myself. Wishing you all the best with this.
Unfortunately, I so relate. Especially to the Jekyll/Hyde part. I'm sorry you are going through this too... I am fairly new here, but wanted to let you know that I can relate and feel for you. All my best.
