The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last January I came here and posted when I realized my ABF was drinking again. I posted once, and I lurked in the shadows from that point on reading occasionally. I'm not sure if I wasn't ready to face the addiction issue head on, or if I wasn't ready to take on the work I needed to do in myself, maybe a little of both. . .
In the beginning April things came to a head and my ABF told me that he thought we should separate. There was no argument, no discussion, it was simply a declaration. I informed him that if he wanted to trade me in for an empty house and a six pack that was his choice. We set a time-frame for me to move out, eight weeks, to make the transition a little easier on me financially and he proceeded to start sleeping on the couch. For eight weeks we co-existed quietly, yet amicably. We went to work, we came home. I made dinner, we made small talk over meals, and every night as I headed to bed I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him.
I went away for a couple of days the first week of June to visit my sisters and get some space. I knew that when I returned home I was going to have to pack my things and say goodbye to my life. When I arrived home on Sunday evening my ABF asked me if we could talk, he asked me to stay, asked me to be patient with him; I stayed. Three weeks later he asked me if he could move back into our bedroom.
Through the summer we spent evenings on our bike, weekends away and spent time with family. Everything would have been near perfect if I didn't know he was still drinking. He's never been a mean drinker, or a sloppy drinker; he's a very functional drinker who goes to work every day, pays his bills and looks like he has everything together. But, he continued to be dishonest, deceptive, and hide his drinking from me. I continued to not say a word.
The first week of November he came home and announced, I need to go to a meeting. Today he has 72 days without a drink and I've witnessed him work towards sobriety in those 72 days in a ways I never have before. This coming week scares me, he has never been sober more than 78 days.
You would think this would solve my problems, he's not drinking anymore right? His sobriety hasn't gotten rid of my anger for the dishonesty's in the past two years, or the hurts that happened this year. There are moments lately when I feel as though I almost resent his four meetings a week and the time and dedication they require. In next moment I remember all of the ways that he is a good and decent man, is good to me, and I feel guilty for ever having the thought.
I picked up a couple of books in the past month and started reading them. I have finally realized, and accepted, that I need to make things right with me and I have my first face to face meeting tonight. . .
((NAYNAY))) Great ESH thank you . I am pleased that you do finally see that Alanon recovery could benefit you and that it is worth the effort . Keep coming back .
The getting over the anger part is very hard for me. I can go a long time and feel great and then all of a sudden it is there. I react, and that is not good either. I am trying very hard to keep the focus on me and not him.
Sounds like lots of progress for both of you. Both Alanon and AA are "One Day at a Time," programs. It's good to hear you're going to attending your f2f meeting. I hope it's a great experience for you. Sobriety does bring new enlightenments for us and our alcoholics. Early recovery is a busy time with meetings, sponsors and working the steps. I think concerning both programs, we get out only as much as we're willing to put in. Your feelings are understandable and ones I remember having too. I hope you'll keep coming back to share recovery with us. Thanks for sharing your progress and good news. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Getting over anger is difficult. it certainly was for me, but it didn't take long once I started going to meetings, getting to understand my qualifier, and learning to work on me to fix problems that I thought were all just her.
(((NayNay))) - welcome back and yay for your choice to go to a meeting! Yay for choosing you and the beginning of your own journey. Yay for your BF too - sobriety is not easy.
Please come back and share how the meeting went! I love to hear about the meetings when we have folks going for the first time and/or returning after a break...
Make it a great evening and one day at a time, you can do this!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So, last night was pretty great . . . I found myself sitting in a room with people who "get it"; now I can't figure out why it took me so long to do this.
Last night we had a Step 1 meeting. There was some group reading, and then each member in attendance drew a question out of a bag. Each question pertained to Step 1 and/or how it related to us. The question I drew was "how excessively to you feel others behavior is a reflection on you". I don't know that I could have drawn a more relevant question. Everything is a reflection on me, right? If I can't micromanage life to get the desired end result, then that must somehow be my fault, right?
NayNay - so glad you went and it sounds like a great way to understand more about Step 1.....that's a format that's new to me - but sounds quite cool! I am glad you went and it doesn't matter why you didn't go before - what matters is that you are there now.....
One day at a time, one moment at a time - you'll find growth, peace and joy! Keep going and keep working it!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You both are on your way...how AWESOME!! One day at a time is a rule along with one step at a time. You get the opportunity in time to learn from each others recovery and experiences and for me I love that. My wife has 20+ years in Al-Anon and I love living with the example (sometimes not...you understand)....(((((hugs))))) I love those types of meetings.
