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Hi Fam! I have been here reading but haven't responded in a while. I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself and had myself in a lovely, (not really) deep hole of despair. thankfully I feel as if I am climbing back out. I have been reading my Al Anon literature and lately "giving back" has really convicted me. Many times I want to post, but I don't because I feel I am always "whining" and no one wants to hear it. But then I think how much other people's posts and responses help me, so I figure being here without sharing is like not really being here at all...
Not much has changed here. My AH and I just finished another horrible year financially with our business. Of course I "blame" a huge part of this on his disease, but where does that get me? I have had tons of discussions lately with my AH about how I want things to be better for us in our marriage, lives, business (trying to leave the drinking out of the discussion and just address the problems that are there and I'm sure would be without the drinking as well...)...I am willing to do the work...but I always end up feeling like I am the only one giving and the only one trying and it is tiring! I have discussed with him how I feel like I have trust issues with him because he "hides" his drinking (although EVERYONE is fully aware) and smoking and acts as if none of that is happening when it is so painfully obvious. I told him "just do it in front of me and I'd feel better, but the sneaking around and the acting like nothing is happening breeds distrust" I don't think he even got it. I have been feeling very numb towards him, and angry and resentful and like I don't like him at all then 10 minutes later I feel sorry for the mess that he is and have compassion on him and start thinking I'm the awful one (that's how it comes across - "there's fun loving B, always drunk and goofy and his wife, man she's a bit@*" No, I'm the one who has to act like an adult. I'm the one that has to drive. I'm the one who has to be an example for my kids!!! And it doesn't help that every time I turn around in our community, everywhere I go, everything is about drinking (although most of these people don't drink all-day, every-day like my AH - but they do when they socialize ) I feel like it makes him think he is normal and I am the abnormal one. (maybe that is so?)
I just want things to be good for all of us. Not perfect. I want thoughtfulness, I want to be able to talk and not have to gauge the level of sobriety before I open my mouth. I want to live my life without smelling that horrid smell of beer that permeates my AH's skin 24/7...I am getting to where they smell really makes me want to throw up. I want to be able to have my husband drive ME instead of me having to always drive. I want to discuss the important stuff coming up in our lives, really discuss and come up with solutions (oldest daughter graduates from high school in May - we need to be planning for college!) but he is always drunk, so everything gets put off and put off and his denial tells him he doesn't have to do anything.
I am trying so hard to work my program. I realize how messed up *I* am, I totally get it. I guess I have been waiting for something in return that just isn't going to happen. I guess I am lazy that I just want a little "sign" to spur me on to work even harder, but I get NOTHING. Words sometimes, but no action. Words that don't match up with actions. Time and time again. Hope. Disappointment. But I suppose that is life, so I am trying to return my attitude to gratitude, but somedays it is really hard to really be grateful: "thank you for the alcoholic husband" I suppose I need a new attitude. It has to begin with me. Let it begin with me. Thank you for listening. Words of wisdom always appreciated :)
Hi Fairlee!! I work the program for myself, it doesn't matter what AH does or doesn't do. If he drinks in secret, which he does, I really don't care, it is his business. Al-Anon helps us to focus on ourselves so that we are not unhappy with what we do or don't get from our qualifiers.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
One other question though...how do you approach having to make huge decisions with an AH when they are never sober? Decisions about money and college, things we are supposed to do together...I want things figured out, he wants to deny, deny, deny. Any suggestions?
(((Fairlee))) - so very sorry for the pain this disease is causing you....I can relate to many points, and can only share my experience.
My AH kept hiding his drinking and the longer it went on, the more he withdrew. I too at first felt alone and abandoned, but at some point, something changed in me and I decided to apply the 'act as if' principle - Act as if I am a single mom. I paid all the bills, I made all the decisions, I managed everything the kids did (which.....was so painful as they are also both qualifiers), and I just kept moving forward and left him to do what he was going to do. His contribution was a paycheck and because he was Union and protected, it continued.
My sponsor suggested early on that I set money aside for a Plan B. I did do that, and have always had a Plan B in case I couldn't take it any more. There were many ups and downs, and things did not go anyways at all like I wanted, but we did all survive and they are adults and we are still together. My AH has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents, and triple bypass surgery. He has since retired and his drinking has slowed way down...
However, I had no choice but to give up my 'want' for a relationship, a partner, an equal, a co-parent, a co-grandparent, etc. We are more like roommates and I still do just about everything around here and he does his thing. Far, far, far from perfect but I have a home, an income (his retirement), my 'cash-stash', my own business that gives me freedom/flexibility to help my parents and others in the program.
So, I just took hold of this program, and decided that I was going to make the best of each and every day in spite of what he is and/or what he is doing. If I expect nothing from him, I am rarely disappointed and at times, even surprised. Our kids are now gone, and he spends the majority of his life in the man-cave - he moved out of the bedroom quite a while ago. So, we share a home, we share expenses, we share meals, children (at times) and grand-children (at times) and pretty much do our own thing. I've filled my time with new friends, meetings, program effort, etc. and just go on down the road.
For me, and in working this program, I chose to stay for a variety of reasons. At this point, I continue to stay mostly because I am lazy and comfortable and at peace with my choices (including to marry him) and my station in life. We have only had one argument since he retired, and he asked for a divorce. I said, "OK - I'll take half of your income (retirement) and be gone tomorrow." Needless to say, that wasn't what he expected and he later apologized and said that's not what he really wanted. I chose to not pry and ask what he really wanted, as I have BTDT and get no response.
What I understand about the disease because I too have it is emotional and spiritual maturity stop at the origin point of the disease. So, if I started drinking at 13, and never recovered, I would be 53 with the maturity of a 13 year old. So, when I keep this in mind, I realize that the disease has taken away far more from my husband that I could ever do. It makes me sad for him, but I don't dwell there. We can't go back and I chose to not project either way - forward or backward....it just causes me to mentally spiral into 'what ifs'.
So, we do not walk an easy path. Most people could not live with what we live with. Many chose to leave and take a different road. I am one who believes that recovery is a personal journey. I do know that if I could not find peace through the program in this marriage, I would leave. It would be difficult and I was ready to go at one time - but he got heart disease and would have been alone. So, it didn't feel proper to abandon the father of my children...and he was very grateful.
I would not be where I am with my peace if it weren't for a great sponsor. Between this program and her, I've found tons of peace that I didn't think possible. Huge (((Hugs))) for you...know that we are here for you today and always as needed.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Fairlee, not knowing your how the finances are handled in your household, it depends. It would seem though, that at this point, worrying about the future decisions could be set aside and working on your own peace right now would be the best course to take. The answers will be much easier when you are at peace with your difficulties.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Fairlee, I can relate to everything you have written, from the always feeling like you are whining to the financial ruin to the wanting an equal partner in marriage. I also frequently feel sorry for the cards I have been dealt in life. I have been married to my AH for almost 16 years (he had a drinking problem when we met) and our oldest graduates high school next year. Our youngest will be a freshman. AH admitted he is an alcoholic and recently found sobriety.
Because of this disease I have for the most part been a single mother--but no way was it by choice. I wanted AH to participate and be a "family man." I would arrange all of our vacations with the kids and he would go along almost forcibly and be miserable for most of the time. I dragged him to all the school and sports functions. Although there were times he couldn't make it because he was drunk or he'd walk out early. I immersed myself in the kids, work and PTA to keep busy. I tried to be SuperMom. I was not brought up in a family like this. My parents did not drink or smoke. My mother was a stay at home mom and my father held a good job and was always driving us on fun day trips and vacations. So it was only natural for me to want this for my own children.
When the kids were little they took all of my time. Now that they are older and always with their friends I find myself longing for a true companion. To go to dinner with, movies, bowling, beach, Broadway shows. My AH was not into any of that and even now that he has found recovery he still isn't. We have gone to one movie and out to eat twice in 7 months. Thank God for my girlfriends but it's not the same! I did not get married to be single. But I guess I am trying to make him be something he is not.
AH is working more now but because of all the years he did not or blew his money on beer and cigarettes we were forced to sell our home and now rent a condo which is a few hundred dollars cheaper but I still can't afford it on my own. We are still drowning in credit card debt and I have no idea how I am going to afford my daughter's braces or my car insurance once my son starts driving. I guess I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
I don't really have any wisdom for you but I can tell you there are so many similarities in your story to mine. I am thrilled AH found sobriety--it's like a dream come true-- but that does not mean I don't worry about relapse every single day. In fact just last night I had another nightmare that he was smoking weed and saying that it was ok it's not drinking! Ugh so it's always in the back of my mind. But God help me I don't think I could ever go back to the life we had when he was actively drinking. Now that I got a good taste of what he is like as a sober man. He may not want to go all these places with me but he helps more around the house, we laugh more and can hold a conversation. He is attentive and considerate. I love him with all my heart but I cringe when I think of the insanity I lived with. But I realize that was my choice.
There is always hope for a better tomorrow. But for now it seems like you will have to make the decisions alone unfortunately. Keep posting here and know you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
I also had the experience of being a single parent .. There was a body There however nothing else. No real connection I found I was the emotional connection between him and the kids. When I backed out he seriously stopped participating. I laugh because one of the conversationswith his new wife was so S how are we gong to fix his relationship with the kids? Umm WE are not .. XAH had done the damage and XAH will have to do the work. She was very shocked by my response. My point is this it takes two people to have a relationship that it's based upon an emotional connection. The best you can do is the best you can do .. My expectations of how my XAH should be behaving is what caused ME so many issues. Vacations? The few times we did a family vacation .. He stayed in the room sick. I have no idea of he was or not however I forgot about it and had a marvelous time with the kid/s. This was before Alanon. It's a shame because he was the one who lost out. I look back now and it really wasnt my issue. I want more than a body and for me I needed to leave I really struggled with that decision for a long time. My experience was be single in a relationship or be single for a New healthier me because the pain of staying outweighed the pain of leaving. I did not want to stay in a relationship that was emotionally empty pretending everything was ok. It wasn't enough. It's a very personal choice and a very difficult one because of Alanon I was able to make the decision that was best for the kids and I. I'm a single parent and having the time of my life! Hugs.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Fairlee, I must say that I raised my two kids as a single parent while married to their father. My AH (high functioning alcoholic) was always working or travelling or that was his excuse. Many times while he was suppose to be working late he would come in drunk at 2am. I could never count on him for much if anything. If I did ask that he make sure he was home for something that I could not do, he would cancel out at the last minute and I would be desperate to find a solution. If I had trouble with my car or the house needed repair or maintenance it was all my problem. When my Father died he was out of town and I couldn't find him. When my Mother died he was in a horrible mood and raging. By this time my AH could not drink due to chronic pancreatitis but he smoked grass constantly but furious that it was painful to him to drink.. God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he,lol..
The one thing this all did for me was prepare me for the situation I am in now. After 40 years of marriage I finally left and while there has been times when I thought I missed him this past year, they have really been few and far between. I think I have been grieving what life could have been like or what I wanted our later years to be like. Between the alcohol and the grass consumption I don't think he has ever been really sober.
This past year in Alanon has taught me to focus on me. My kids are raised with spouses and children of their own. I live by myself with a great network of friends and family that I am so grateful for. My AH is retired and lives in another state and struggles daily or who knows it might just be an act for attention. Everyday I get stronger as I focus on me. Finally my life is about me and not everyone else... I will be forever thankful to my God, to Alanon and to my Sponsor who has guided me thru many valleys to get me where I am today...
Be gentle with yourself. As Iamhere has already said most people struggle to live in an alcoholic relationship. Accepting that you might not get much input into those major decisions might help. I found it useful to look at decisions that needed to be made jointly, decide on my own opinion and then tell my husband 'xyz needs doing. I'll be doing abc about it tomorrow. Let me know if you have an alternative suggestion.' That way if AH wants to stay in denial he can, but my life does not stop as a result.
I found that putting up with the smelliness undermined my self-esteem - I would lie, clinging to my corner of the bed, with perfume on my wrist to mask the bitter wafts of stale wine. Ghastly and really, what on earth was I doing to myself?!!! So eventually I felt no guilt about sleeping in the spare room. I needed a safe, nurturing place for myself.
The one thing that I can't let into my life is self pity - that really drags me down. And that is why, for me, it is so important to value myself, to make choices that I feel comfortable with, to keep it simple, and to accept/assume that my husband's choices of how he spends his time are his to make. Ergo, my choices of how I spend my life are mine to make as well. It isn't easy but by god I'm going to make the best of life and enjoy it every day. Most problems are surmountable and most pleasures are simple!
-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 11th of January 2016 07:21:47 AM
I can relate to your situation so much, although my children are younger and not ready for college. So many of the decisions fall on my shoulders. I have found that sometimes I just have to make the decision myself and get things going or they will not happen. I also would love to have a husband that could drive us around but the reality is I do not. I keep trying to make myself stay in the reality of what is instead of what I wish things were like. It is painful but less painful than having illusions shattered all the time.
Yesterday I was resentful that he was able to go to the gym to work out by himself and I was home with the kids. I don't feel like I can leave him to watch the kids as he has drunk when watching them and I can't let that happen. Sometimes I feel stuck at home. I have to face that reality for what it is right now. I try to get my "me" time in the house, even if it is just reading a book when the kids are playing, or after they've gone to bed.
One of my kids is on the spectrum and was recently diagnosed. Having to handle that as a single parent even though my husband is here has been a real eye opener for me. I just have to do what needs to be done or else it doesn't happen.
Sorry for the ramble, but I really relate. At my local meetings almost no one is still married to their alcoholic spouse. It is hard to find people who can give ESH on how to cope with it while sticking it out.
thank you so much for these shares.
I am newly in recovery and very fearful and unsure about what kind of healthy relationship I can have with AH. I am trying to be patient with myself as I figure this out but with so many questions and fears it really helps to read what other people have been through.
So eventually I felt no guilt about sleeping in the spare room. I needed a safe, nurturing place for myself.