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Lately these days she's full of plans and they always change. Its just crazy. Found this on another members page, and can I relate. He is full of plans now and its always changing. Its just crazy. I can so relate. But how do you let that go? I need to let what he says go as his plans are forever changing. I just can not keep up anymore. Today, its this, next day its this. And he is sober 3 months and not in a program, just working! Its unreal, what I listen to from him. How do I set boundaries around what he says when he start with another plan, another idea, another future plan of what he is going to do...feedback would be good
Joker, the boundaries you set are for yourself and it begins with detaching. Just say, "that's nice", and then walk away. The plans you should believe in are the ones you make for yourself, to make a happy life. {HUGs}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
It is easier for me to also let go when I change what I'm focused on - looking outside myself for answers, validation, comfort, etc. just doesn't work well for me. Doing for me, thinking of my role and/or my responsibilities and working on me make letting go much easier. So does the power of pen, prayer and using the steps!
One moment at a time, one day at a time....
(((Joker)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Your Story reminds me of my XAH when he was literally chasing windmills. It's a story I have shared before in terms of the level of insanity that was raging at our house .. I mean seriously it got to the point that I would just say (after alanon) "that's nice dear" because to argue or try to understand what he was doing was driving me crazy. Thankfully I got into Alanon about this time and it made a big difference for me. Logical people know you cannot build windmills on rental property and yet I was married to Don Quixote and I'm no Sancho Panza. It was renewable energy sources that he would spend hours obsessing over and making plans, well that and the end of the world. I found out years later that it stressed my oldest out so badly that some of her anxiety was caused because of his obsessing. Even now he has been redirected over some of the inappropriate things he has said to the kids.
Now if he had actually taken out a permit and there were people there trying to built the windmills I would have had to say something. It would have been easy since our landlords were creepy and lived next to us at the time .. lol. Another crazy story there, they did not help the situation. I do wish I had understood the after effects that my daughter went through sooner .. I will tell you she's doing soooo much better and realizes that 99.9% of what she worries about is just wasted energy and that's one of her coping skills, finding her own safety and security.
I learned just not to engage the stories the crazier they got, especially with forced sobriety and he was wearing a SCRAM bracelet so if he drank he violated probation and would have gone to jail. I think he was just living dry drunk and was totally not ok. That's my perception of the story.
What I want to really press is 3 months of sobriety is great .. long term it is one baby step, no program, more power to him if he can do it, I can only attest to my own level of insanities and I did not need alcohol to get there which to me in all honesty is almost scarier. Zero to batcrap scary in .06 seconds and I can still get there based upon the situation and if I am taking care of me. So I can't imagine the level of he is going through based upon no real support, again I know what my XAH went through and it was heartbreaking to watch. Well, heartbreaking to think about now at the time I just thought he was a level of loco that had reached new limits.
Anyway, just really try to keep the focus on you and let him do what he is or is not going to do. Alanon gave me a voice to state my boundaries with the understanding that I can't control the other persons reaction to my statements. I would sometimes get reactions I did not expect or deserve .. in a weird way I always got the ones I needed. Trust me when I say 4 years ago I could not imagine being where I am at now, a year ago you could not have told me I would be in TX for my first winter either.
Hugs S :)
With or without him, you will be ok and he will do or not do what he's going to do, be it sobriety or follow through on "other" plans. I would not hold my breath on plans from a barstool quarterback though even if they aren't drinking.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I struggle with letting go (of the actions, decisions, indecision, and person) as well. Others have far more experience than I, just wanted to let you know I could relate and wish you the best.
Thanks for sharing your story, I can totally relate. I'm someone who when I say I'm going to do things, I usually follow through (though lately less so due to stress). So when AH makes these wild ideas/proclamations I used to take it seriously and get overwhelmed trying to make them happen. Then he'd totally forget about them! Plus, he'll tak on crazy ideas to my relatively sane ones that make me give up... Or used to anyways :) I'm learning to take everything with a major grain of salt.
I found this so maddening with my A because he would expect me to sit and listen to hours and hours of talking at me about these plans and if I refused he would be mortally offended that I was not supportive, yet they were all just nonsense and if I reminded him of them a few days later he would get angry!!! Ugh!! It doesn't matter if he does or does not follow the plans but having to listen to them constantly was a miserable experience for me.
One thing that helped was I began reminding him calmly that I did not enjoy listening to plans and was only interested in seeing actions. I was firm about it and it did (and has) made a difference, he caught on eventually and rarely does it now; with some of these behaviours I have found the message gets across if you quietly repeat it like a broken record and without anger or confrontation.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
he is going through based upon no real support, again I know what my XAH went through and it was heartbreaking to watch. Well, heartbreaking to think about now at the time I just thought he was a level of loco that had reached new limits.