The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let me first start by saying that I have just created an account to ask for help because I am so ashamed of what I have done that I don't want to tell my sponsor. I am actually in NarAnon, but there is no NarAnon board here, so I hope this is ok. The steps are the same, so I figure maybe you can offer some advice to me.
I started working the steps back in March. I am now on step 4 and am using the AlAnon guidebook for that process. I would say I am about halfway though. One of my character defects that I identified earlier on was that I snoop. A lot. Especially toward the tail end of my husbands addiction. I was so consumed with what he was doing that nothing NOTHING was off limits for me. Since I have started to do my stepwork, I have quit snooping entirely. I was very proud of myself and was feeling good and healthy.
Recently, there have been a few behaviors that my husband has been exhibiting that were concerning to me: poor hygiene, waking in the middle of the night, not eating, etc. Not strong indicators of drug use, but certainly things that are red flags to me. Well, my antennae have been up lately and I was home alone with a sick kid the other day and spotted his step notebook.....you can probably guess what happened next.
I did the worst of the worst. I am bawling my eyes out at work right now as I type this. I read his inventory. His sexual inventory....I almost threw up. There was nothing particularly horrible in there, but I was all at once sick over what I was reading and sick over what I was doing.
Since that time, I have felt physically ill. I am on the brink of tears all the time. I feel like I have committed a crime. I don't want to tell him and make amends because I am scared. And I know it will hurt him. I don't want to tell my sponsor because I'm scared that she will tell me I have to tell him.
I don't know what to do. I can't take this knowing that I did something so horrible, so awful, so truly dishonest and I just feel like I am never going to get well.
I wish I could undo it. I wish I could listen to my intuition telling me to leave it alone, just like I had been for the last 10 months. But I didn't. And now I can't undo it. And I have betrayed his trust and I don't know what to do.
Welcome so sick, I hear you and so understand . You have just worked a 10th Step on this issue and" have taken personal inventory and when wrong promptly admitted it (to us) . Good job Congrats on working a 4th Step and uncovering some of your destructive actions. One of which was "snooping " I think that practicing this defect by looking in your partners private journal, you have just experienced a painful lesson on why" snooping" is not recommended nor an asset.
You are no where near the 8 and 9th step, where we list people we have harmed and make amends. If you were i would recommend that you place yourself at the top of the list and proceed to make amends to yourself for how badly you have treated yourself all these years. After you have make amends to yourself there is plenty of time to list others.
Program is a process and you are doing fine. One Step at a time
I'm really glad you are here, first off please be very gentle with yourself. I hope you will consider speaking with your sponsor about your behavior because I think you will find far more understanding than you think.
How about you pray on this situation and ask for guidance that way? Pause, Pray and Proceed. I just had this conversation with my daughter that no decision based upon a knee jerk reaction to an emotional response ever winds up good. She's on the wresting team and has really had a challenge with the scheduling and up and quit one day. After she slept on the situation and had a chance to step back she decided she would finish the year and see where she was at during the summer. She's 16 and very much a hormonal teen at this time of the month.
The one thing I learned about snooping was if I made the choice to snoop I made the understanding that I was causing my own hurt and pain, because the information I found I might not be ready for, so I needed to be prepared to accept that I might have to make a choice of some kind. For me it wasn't the addiction that was the deal breaker it was the infidelity which by the way I as not snooping when I found out it was literally right in front of my fact .. very literally.
So when I am suppose to know I will know, it just kind of is what it is. So I have gotten to be a lot more faith based in that regard. It's when I try and force situations because of my want to control (and for me snooping is a form of control I want to know and I want to know NOW .. lol) how out of control I actually feel.
I would definitely talk to my sponsor about my behavior, sleep on it and figure out what is the best scenario for my situation. I have consequences for my actions always, the bigger question is how do I choose to take action in whatever given situation is going on.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Well, you HAVE to forgive yourself. Isn't it something how we can change so completely after we get going in AlAnon? Yes, I was a snoop too. I lived with red flags that I ignored for so long that when I realized what was a red flag I saw them everywhere. And after he got into AA his behavior still didn't change enough that I didn't see the red flags. I justified my snooping that I was protecting myself. And I was..... but I learned that my HP has my back and when I needed to know something I would know it. It took awhile to get to that level of trust in my HP.
What does the 9th Step say?.... about "except when to do so would injure them or others"? Well, I think you are someone too. To give an amend about this would injure you. Maybe in a year or two or five it would be possible, but you are way too vulnerable emotionally right now.... and maybe he is too (I don't know you or him, so how could I say?). In AA they have a tradition of doing a "living amend" meaning you change your behavior, and that is your amend. For now that may be a good alternative for you.
(((Hugs))) to you and welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share. I agree with all that's been said and when I am just not so sure what the right next thing is, I often journal - very much like your post here. I have to get it out, and then - as suggested above - pray about it. The answers will come....
I did make the mistake of trying to make amends way too quickly and it didn't work out as well as I wanted; it actually made things more 'messy' for a while. So, I love the when in doubt, don't as it applies to things "I think I need to do, say, act upon...." My HP has time and time and time again shown me the right time. In hindsight, my rushed amends had everything to do with making me feel better by confessing, and I didn't think it through or examine my motives. I've learned to be more patience with myself and trust my HP to lead me.....and this has come about by way of working the steps and relying on my sponsor too.
Be gentle with yourself and trust the program process. It will all be OK, and I do agree that you must forgive yourself.
Keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all so much for your kindness and advice. I cant express how much you have helped. I will take your advice and pray and patiently wait for guidance. My mom taught me long before naranon that "if you dont know what to do, do nothing". I have found that to be so helpful WHEN i have actually applied it :)
I am so glad that i found this community. What a wonderful and supportive group you all are.
I hope that everyone enjoys the weekend. Thank you all again
When i was going thru my divorce xah left his
New email signed on i peaked saw a mortgage
application and called my lawyer. It was being
Logged in on his gmail account. I was busted
Did Not know gmail had those kind of settings.
I am the more nosy one, i always trusted him
implicitly Until he proved to be untrustworthy.
I am sorry for you for reading his 4 th step. Its
Hard when trust has been broken before. Talk
to your sponsor and pray on it then you will
know What the right thing to do for you.
