The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I moved myself and my two daughters out of our home 4 weeks ago and peace beyond all understanding came rushing over the 3 of us! That was until my AH decided to dry out and sober up. When he is sober he is spot on husband and father whom I dearly love! But, now that he's been sober without the help of AA for 2.5 weeks now I feel so darn guilty for having left! He is devastated and hurt and is having to come to terms with the fact that after 15 years of marriage, of me having to always be the sober adult making sure all bills were paid, kids clothed, fed, loved, spoiled, him tended to like I was his slave, and putting aside several affairs he had, I had an affair myself. with his close friend. I know, I know I know better. was raised better and i can assure you I feel shame for what I did. I didn't leave for the person I had an affair with, I left because after 9 months of his drinking getting worse and worse and the constant yelling and screaming at me every night in front of the kids about my affair, oh and btw in his mind his affairs were fine because that was different. I left because I realized that after so many months of being belittled, called names, no sleep for me or our girls, losing 35lbs and watching my children's straight a average grades decline rapidly, i was teaching them that even though Mom hurt daddy, that what mom was now teaching them was that when they get married this is the way they should expect to be treated and they have to live with it and put up with it. So, we moved out of our nice home. My dad bought me a little house and the kids are so much happier. So, why then do I feel so much guilt and hurt for staying gone and filing for divorce when I know in my heart it is the right thing to do?????!!!!! after 15 years and one prior failed attempt to leave to get him to sober up 8 years ago, I can not go back! i can not repeat history especially with two very impressionable 9 and 11 yr old daughters. What is wrong with me other than the shame I feel for having cheated on him with his friend. and just to make matters worse, AH came over as drunk as I've ever seen him the night before he went to dry out and brought along sober for 8 years ex affair partner just so AH could hear ex affair partner confess that he is still in love with me. Crazy crazy crazy!!!!!!!! So, again, is this just me finally starting to feel again after being completely emotionally drained to where there for a while i felt absolutely nothing or is this me not being able to let go of hurting my AH or is this a normal phase for those of us with A spouses when we finally do leave??????
Do you think that maybe instead of guilt, this is grief and longing for the life you hoped for? Not trying to second-guess you, just wondering because you seem to have a lot of perspective on the conditions you actually lived under. It's always hard to let go of the dream that things might get better, however unrealistic that dream was.
What i was told when xah and i were
having Troubles and both in recovery.
Live Separate and work on yourselves
then When you both are emotionally
healthy You Can work on the relationship.
Thats not how it played out though, so
Just do the best you can for yourself and
Your daughters. Keep working on you,
Divorce is a minefield of feelings and
Emotions.
You can only save and help yourself it is
His job to do the same for himself.
(((Holly))) You made a mistake. It was wrong. You've acknowledged it. You're not doing it now. It's done.
What kind of a life do you want for you and for each of your children?
Coming to meetings will help you. Working the steps with a trusted sponsor can help you forgive yourself. You may have done these, but you can do them again with forgiving yourself as your goal.
In the meantime, you're doing the right thing now. Your family's tension has decreased. You're modeling the respect you want your children to learn. My hat's off to you.
Listen, this is not the way you wanted it to end after 15 long years...But, there was never gonna be a pretty ending it sounds like. Maybe you are also confusing guilt with sadness amd grief over the whole confusing and traumatic mess?
Savannah this just how the dis-ease works it plays with our minds and emotions and spirits. You are going thru normal for alcoholism and addiction and it is looking real and sounding real yet is the insanity of the disease. The second guessing and self blame was also me attempting to give my alcoholic/addict wife some credibility...standing on her side of the table and pointing fingers back at me; taking her side. STOP!! was what my early sponsor use to tell me; "Let go and Let God" and stop throwing "blame around". I can do tat now and life is soooo much better. Do your own 4th step and 9th step and then let it go. Thanks for the lesson ((((husg))))
I do and always have quietly fantasized about a happy life where I didn't feel like I had to walk on egg shells adn dread coming home from work every day never knowing if AH was going to be grouchy and not speak at all sending me into panic mode and going over the events of the day wondering what I did to make him mad or if he was going to be in an ok mood and I could go about my motherly and wifely duties. The idea that life could be comfortable, peaceful, happy and a have a home filled with love and laughter, oh what I wouldn't have done to have had that. Nevertheless, life has it's way of taking us on much different paths. Obviously I have issues that need working on too. Codependency being the main one! The good that has come out of this so far is that I am getting in deep with God, reading the purpose driven life, jesus calling, AA Big Book so I can understand better and Courage to Change. I am gaining some sort of peace and learning to let go and let God. I am going to focus this weekend on letting go of the past. It is what it is and all i can do is try to correct my own short comings and move forward. When I am having one of my "what should I do? should I go back eventually?" moments, I remember what my Dad said to me a few weeks ago: Before your Mom died you knew well how she felt about your marriage and the turmoil you allowed in it and how she loathed how he treated you and you allowed him to treat you. You know she was not a fan of AH, but she also loved you enough to let you make your own choices and because of that you have two beautiful daughters and God wanted these particular children for you, therefore without AH they wouldn't be here. God uses every aspect of our life for a purpose, good, bad, sad and happy. He has a purpose for the pain you are enduring. He had a purpose for why we all suffered for the last few years of your mothers life watching her dying before our eyes. But in the end we are at peace with it because we know she is in a better place and she is healed and made whole again. Look at your life like that. The old you has died and the new God fearing woman, mother and friend is developing through all of this. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for a resolution to y'alls situation and torment that you two have been living through and my granddaughters have had to bear witness to. I have to say that when you called home to tell me you were done trying and to come help you and the girls find a place to live and move you, I felt like it was God telling me and you that it was time to go and this was in his plan for your life. God doesn't necessarily like divorce, but God doesn't make mistakes either and once He laid it on your heart that you were finally broken enough and yet strong enough to do what was best for your children and yourself, I have to believe this is where God wants you and there's just too much water under the bridge and too much hurt and pain to ever recover a good marriage, friendship and real love with AH at this point. You made a mistake. You are human. Learn from it and move on and do not go back. Please do not go back, it will never change and I know that in my heart. I love AH and I understand him because our lives are not so different in how we were raised, but you are my child and all I have left in this world and until there is no breath left in me I will make sure you and those girls are ok. Just stay strong and do not go back. when you feel like going back, remember every aspect of the last 15 years and how this is where you always wished you were instead of there. Living in peace and happiness with the two people you love most in this world.
yeah, my dad is a pretty special man that I am lucky to call my daddy! Going through this without my mother is another aspect that has just about pushed me over the edge. She was always my protector, my rock, my defender and my shield and no matter how old I am, she would have been here in a heartbeat to place me and the girls in a protective little bubble and fight my battle for me. But, that was not God's plan for me and this is.
Gosh i can't begin to tell you how much all your words and advice mean to me and how much it means to me to be able to emotionally vent here to those who know exactly how it feel and are there to help guide me in this journey!
((((((((((((((BIG GIANT HUGS TO ALL OF YOU)))))))))))))))))
I also want to say that living in the fantasy that "if I give it ONE more try I can make it work!", doesn't work. He has changed over the years. You have changed over the years. Look at reality. Look at your beautiful girls. Look at your new house. Do you really want to give up the peace and serenity for more crazy?
Be sad. Work through your grief. Help the girls get their grades back up to A's. What fun to gain back 30 pounds. Oh the ice cream parties you can have with the little ones.
You can forgive yourself anytime. Do it
Like you would anyone else. Sit quiet
And think about it and really feel it
And ask for forgiveness. We are all
Imperfect human beings. It really is
Not that hard. Most of us are too hard
On ourselves.
I have already forgiven myself and my
Xah. It took me awhile to forgive him,
I need to Revisit his forgiveness weekly.
There is no pain free way of going
About this. You and the girls need
To feel safe and then The real healing
Can begin.
Thank you so much!!! I'm also working my little habit of codependency and learning that I am powerless over what he does, how he reacts and that I have to focus on myself and my girls right now. The girls just got back from their first counseling session with the counselor that AH and I went to to try and repair the damage of my affair and our marriage. He seems to think that living through what we did that it didn't affect them in any way, but my moving out and now filing for divorce has destroyed their lives. I'm like dorthy from finding nemo... just keep swimming just keep swimming... just keep moving forward just keep moving forward... no going back no going back...
I can identify with every aspect of your share...really took a page from my book...took my girls (and two dogs) and left......came back home because I wanted to believe my AH changed but in truth he only got worse and in a very short amount of time...I too have decided its time to let go..divorce is the last thing I wanted as I do still love him but I now know the truth behind that old saying "what's love got to do with it"..at some point you've got to love yourself more.
