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I posted this on another forum but wanted your ESH as well. This is so hard for me to do!
My AH is trying to get sober again (supposedly) and is on day 6 I think. I'm somewhat skeptical obviously but trying to support him. My problem is the jerky behavior is still an issue - another shut-down just happened this morning over what I am wearing to work today (btw, this has happened before, recently, and both times about the same type of clothing that's been a staple of my wardrobe for a decade and is totally work-appropriate). I simply told him to stop being a jerk and left. I'm obviously not going to change my appearance for him at this point, or any really, but I know when I get home he will still be acting like an #@%. Just as a clarification, there has been no cheating in the past on my part although the allegations have been constant as part of his drunken rants over the years.
This is always a problem with me - the whole "detachment not amputation" thing. How do I detach from him without being a jerk myself? It's not really practical to not be around him all evening with dinner, homework, etc. with the kids.
Thank you for asking this question - I know that I will benefit from the advice of others on this subject as well.
It wasn't really practical for me to physically detach from my husband either so I explored whether or not I could emotionally protect myself from those rude rants. Some of the tricks that I tried were:
To imagine a beautiful protective screen between myself and my husband that was deflecting those ghastly words that I was hearing. (I wonder sometimes if this isn't slightly crazy, but anyway it worked for me!)
Doing yoga and meditation kept me in a much more peaceful state of mind in general.
Having good memories to hand - times with friends, family, beautiful places etc. I would turn to these when I found my mind dwelling on some nasty comment or other.
Just glancing up when he said something outrageous, and then carrying on with what I was doing.
I kept the word 'dignity' in mind as much as I could!
My most effective strategy (for me) was to let what my husband was saying wash over my head whilst resolving, at the same time, to do something fabulous for myself that I would call my 'equal and opposite force.' What this meant for me was that if he was rude about what I looked like (to use your example) I would go and do something I liked that would restore my well-being, self worth and balance. It wasn't about punishing, or 'I'll show you', it was just valuing myself and taking care of myself. It got to the point where when AH was being rude to me I could feel myself smiling inside because I was already planning a long weekend holiday, or a day working on my hobbies, on the back of what he was saying. His levels of abuse declined quite quickly - I guess it wasn't working any more! I was having too much fun!!
Now perhaps this was not ideal behaviour on my part - with hindsight I don't think that I was acting in my best interests by even staying in the same room as some of the nasty stuff that was said and my self-esteem did suffer as a result of accepting abuse that I wouldn't normally tolerate in any shape or form. I have spent some time 'putting myself back together again' and it isn't as easy as I thought it would be, but it is so soooo worth it! I know that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time - and I'm ok with that too!!
I'm struggling with this too Chips, what has been working for me is the acronym W A I T --"why am I talking?". If I wait to answer lately I almost always just don't answer at all. Or I can formulate my words in a gentler way than I would in the past. I can think of what I what I truly want to communicate if anything at all.
If I wait I can ask my self what my AH or (anyone really) is hoping to accomplish with their barrage of anger and most times I think lately it is to stir the drama pot in the house because it's been a bit quieter since 3 of the four of us now have a program! The one that doesn't is my AH and he is prone to fits of misery and anger even those he is not active and hasn't been for years. I myself at times have felt uncomfortable because it was so damn .....calm.
Some of those times I have been guilty of stirring up the drama pot myself to my horror. Once I realize my or AH's true motive (=nonsense) those words are so much easier to deflect. Waiting to think about "what's their motive?" and "What's my motive?" creates a much needed delay in my response time so I am not just flying off the handle and knee jerk reacting to hurt back or get defensive.
I love what milkwood wrote above me - such great ideas for detaching. Betty (hotrod) taught me here to keep a QTip in my pocket to remind me to Quit Taking It Personally - that helped too. I also would begin the serenity prayer when he began a rant, and often, continued until he was done. At that point, if I felt I could respond constructively/calmly, I would. If not, I would say nothing and continue on with what I was doing.
In my home, it seemed as if stirring the pot was a sport. My alcoholics love drama/chaos as it deflects from them. Any chaos or drama will do.....and if I reacted, I felt like it worked. So, I often bit my tongue or just walked out of the room. If the kids were around, I would often say, "Can we discuss this later?" I knew if I could get him to cease, most often if wouldn't come back up later as it was a part of the dance in the moment.
JADE also comes to mind - Don't Justify, Don't Argue, Don't Defend and Don't Explain. Lastly, I got to a point where I could look 'them' straight in the eye, act as if I were actively listening, and just keep reminding myself that it was the disease talking/yelling at me.
Detaching from the drama/chaos/disease is a practice, practice, practice thing for me.....it was a huge challenge in the start as I was willing to argue/defend/justify/explain until the cows came home, retired and passed away!!! The program gave me the freedom to not have to do that and many other old habits any longer!
Great thread - HTH!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks guys! Looking back at my outburst this morning, I think this was my way of refusing to pretend that I didn't notice what he was doing. We had been having a pretty good morning until ... well until I saw that look on his face as he looked me up and down when the kids and I were leaving. Then he flat out refused to say goodbye to me (we always say bye and kiss/hug unless things are really bad) and when I made it a point to lean over and ask for a kiss, he wouldn't even stand up. It just blew past my barriers! Something in me just hates that he tries to be so passive/aggressive and "get away with" stuff. (This is how his family works as well - it drives me nuts as my family speaks their minds, even if they shouldn't LOL!)
And Iamhere - I soo hear you about the driving a point into the ground. I would sit and argue the most senseless arguments with him FOREVER! I'm working on it! I guess when I disconnected some of the buttons, he found the ones that were better-hidden :/
My sponsor taught me that I was constantly giving my power away by REACTING to situations instead of responding in a well thought out manner. She suggested that I draw an imaginary Hula Hoop do the ground , step into it and know that what I brought into the hoop was mine to handle. These were my responsibility-- My feelings, my thoughts my actions, my opinions. I could not blame others nor could I try to reach out of my hula hoop and make others responsible.
I needed to learn not to give my power away by" REACTING" to anything that was said. Instead I needed to pause, keep a open mind, review my principles, breath deeply and then "respond" by validating myself while treating everyone with courtesy and respect. It took some practice but today it has become second nature.
I learned how to use all my al anon tools by first using them in al anon meetings and with al anon members
I've been in similar situations. My ah would say things looking for reactions. What helped me was asking for some emotional space. Such as asking not to discuss issues in front of our daughter and asking not to speak at times that were bad. Focusing more on my needs and spending more mental energy on my daughter and myself. He didnt like it he put up a fuss but he accepted it and it was nicer to be silent towards him then spew the upset and bitterness i had for him at the time. It turned out to be a real area of growth for me. I focused a lot more on myself. It actually appeard to be an area of growth for him too because when i stopped reacting he had to face his own behaviour. My bad behaviour (over reaction to him) didnt exist anymore for him to justify or forget his actions
Wishing you all the best in this situation. I know it's not easy.
I love this post and the responses...you ladies have great ESH and it is useable ...very. What I learned a while back was that the other person was often expressing their value system to me and I didn't have to do anything with it. Of course it sounds like your husband is expressing jealousy and fear and low self esteem and about the only thing I can think of to respond would be to pet his self esteem with it. An "I'm all yours kind of statement" and then go. Maybe the best discussion about the subject would be with his own counselor. Thanks guys. (((((hugs)))))
