The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After six months of increasingly bad drinking and poor responsibility, last month we told my adult son that he could not return to live with us once he had left rehab (his third rehab in 2015). I have a good counselor and a supportive husband and family, but tonight it's late, everyone's asleep, and I'm struggling with our decision. Son called to ask if I would put his boots out on the porch so he could pick them up. I asked if he had gone back to work, since he'd told us he was due to go back today. He said no, that he was still trying to figure out where to live. It's bitterly cold outside tonight. My brain knows what he's doing--that same old manipulation. It's not going to work this time. There are shelters in town. If he's sleeping outside, it's because he chooses to. My heart is aching.
I believe we are doing the right thing by cutting him loose. He's over 30 years old. He has relied his whole adult life on one girlfriend or another, and then when they all gave up on him, on friends, and finally on us, his parents; he used every one of us to support his alcoholism, right up to faking going to AA meetings and lying about sobriety. He has to find his own way, for good or ill. But tonight I'm afraid for him, and I'm so sad that it's come to this--that it would be wrong for us to help him. I can't control his behavior, only my own, and I'm not going to give in. But what a struggle to stick with the decision, even if I know it's right.
Welcome to MIP Foothold - glad you found us and glad you shared...
I have two adult sons (barely - 21 & 23) and I've put them both out. It is hard but you are right - enabling and doing for them what they should do on their own just holds them back. If you are truly troubled, you can surely offer him a ride to a shelter....I have helped out to ensure their safety without enabling them - altho I did buy a burger/two on the way to shelters.
You didn't mention Al-Anon or meetings. Both would be of great value and give you additional resources a bit closer to home. Meetings have 'saved my bacon' many, many times and provided me with folks close to offer support on difficult nights/days.
You are not alone - keep coming back here and check out local meetings! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Just coming on here to second what Iamhere said. You are definitely not alone but I have no experience personally with children suffering from the disease. Al Anon is the best place for you! Hugs and please keep coming back!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I like what Iamhere said about a ride to the shelter - though I suspect there would be attempts to manipulate all along the way. Sending you good thoughts. I hope you can find a meeting for yourself. Take good care of yourself and I hope you'll keep coming back.
((Foothold))) Prayers and positive thoughts on the way for you and your entire family. This is indeed a dreadful disease and I know that Alanon meetings will help.
