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My partner has now been out of rehab 3 weeks and I notice his behaviors are very similar as before he went in.
He is not attending any meetings or seeing any workers just reading his workbooks he says and making statements he will never drink again as he is now cured of that he is 100% sure.
He is going without sleep (days) isolating himself and still putting himself at risk i'd say as he is going down drinks isles in supermarkets, has eaten soups with alcohol in and been in a bar...he is also lying still and one was quite major over STDs and very upsetting.
His unreasonable behavior meant he ranted on a walk about how everyone is at fault and appears to want the world to bend to him, even blamed his two small children he never sees and made awful comments about how he wished they didn't exist as he couldn't commit to see them as he is a very busy and its his life..which to myself was insanity; I do wonder if he is a narcissist or if there are links to the illness? He also could not understand why i go to Al-anon at all since he is now out of rehab so another rant. I remained mostly silent apart for saying how the steps which ive begun are helping and he indeed feels he isnt a man that needs to do the steps and the meetings depress him and are full of people not like him...
Within the two week Xmas period and our break from work he told me he didn't want to see me and cancelled all plans as he says he was adjusting emotionally and also wanted to finish work for his up coming exhibition as he is an artist...so I indeed saw very little of him and in that time he even told me not to come over unexpectedly as he was already a bag of nerves. His messages to me have been like before when he was drinking with spelling errors and back to referring to his stomach aches which was always the way before. I admit I was initially quite hurt.
Anyway, now ive a couple of months Al-Anon under my belt and also begun the steps and i'm at number three or between one and three i've found that in-spite of this hurtful behavior ive dealt with things better. On the brief occasions I saw him (twice) I resisted snooping for bottles as I thought of the three c's and I can honestly say I felt I didn't want to.
When he called me to ask if it was ok to eat soup with sherry in, i replied it was for him to decide and he replied he'd done it already.
I found the slogans Let Go and Let God have been helping me and im working now on turning things over to my HP. I did slip at the weekend with him and bit back at one of his text messages and was angry with myself for doing it, and i apologized for my part and focused back on my readings and meetings.
Yesterday he sent me messages saying how he was now ready to see me and for me to come over, but for me I wasn't so well and he is sulking now but Al-anon I think has given me the strength to think that in the grand scale of things its OK for me to also have time for me if I dont feel so great (even though it didnt go down well)
I think im working now on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior and ok to reject in-spite of the illness and working on handing things over to my HP. I feel ive struggled with that and accepted so much thats been unacceptable ...
Im hoping by keeping reading and talking things over with my sponsor my HP will guide me to the right choices even if they are very difficult.
Thankyou in advance and a very happy new year to you all.
Carmel it sounds like you are using your program tools to help with the insanity of the disease! Great job :) I know that the suspicions of a slip/relapse will drive us crazy so I learned how to not worry about it when it was a part of my life. If A was sick I used to think he was sleeping off whatever he had done the night before. I forgot (or didn't have the energy) to worry about me while he was taking up my time.
Sounds like his recovery doesn't have a whole lot of recovery in it. That's always a challenging situation for us. I wonder if there's a lot of reason to stay with him. Just musing because he sounds like a lot to put up with. You are doing the best thing: He's going to do what he's going to do, what am I going to do? Sounds like you've got that one down!
Hey Carmel - My best suggestion is to keep your focus on you the best you can. He's going to do what he's going to do and either he chooses recovery or he does not. His choice should not be related to your choice - this was so very, very hard for me to get/accept, but once I realized that he is one, I am two and together - we don't make one or two. We are still separate beings, no matter if married, BF, GF, SO, etc...
That's yet another fantasy that our society has created - that two come together and make one. Not real, not true and so, so bad for those of us with co-dependency and/or addictive behavior. It took me a long, long time to see that I was working harder for 'their better life' than my own. Once I was able to see that and own it and accept how powerless I am, I still kept a watchful eye on 'them'.
I believe that I was able to get/seek recovery only when I put me first. I had to consciously get up and ask myself what I wanted to do today and what I needed to do today. I had to stop worrying about laundry, dinner, lunch, carpools, rides to work, appointments, etc. for 'them' and focus on me. What sounded good for dinner? What time made the best sense for me? What program effort did I want to explore? What self-care sounded fun? I had to consciously put me first to learn how to love me again.
So, when I had 3 qualifiers here, all active, I would visualize putting on those blinders they use for horse racing. I would visualize earplugs in my ears. 3 active male alcoholics are baiting me and each other felt like a mental health hospital at times. When it got real crazy, I would 'act as if' this was my job, and detach as best as possible. If it got to be too much, I would take a walk, do a load of laundry, or get in my car and go to the store, a friends, a meeting, etc. I no longer went out of my way to tell them I was leaving and for how long I'd be gone. After all, it hadn't ever been a pattern they bothered with so I decided it wasn't necessary for me.
All my changes were a direct result of working with a sponsor. She made suggestions to me that I honestly hadn't considered or thought would be 'mean/selfish'. Self-care feels that way in the beginning, yet it gets easier with practice - as do all things program related.
So, I understand that you are worried and you are watchful of him. When my brain started to focus beyond me, I'd do anything I could to get back to me/my day/my plan. Practice, practice, practice - seeking progress ... never perfection.
Know that meetings and fellowship were a huge part of my current peace/serenity. Do what you can for you today without concerning yourself with him (or others). One moment at a time, one day at a time - you can do it!! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good job putting up with king baby. In my experience, my wife came out of rehab both times a seemingly changed woman. The first time mostly changed, the second time quite changed. When she relapsed a few months after the first one, her thinking and behavior had gotten back the way it was before rehab, in fact worse, and she had two DUIs pretty quickly after that. So in my experience, as Mattie said, that is no recovery he has going.
Second rehab my wife learned about emotioinal sobriety. I love that. It addresses the whole dry drunk thing as well, because you can be drink sober, but still not emotionally sober, still thinking the world owes you something, not able to face life on life's terms.
Of course, I am like that too in many ways. That's why I'm glad I found Al Anon, because I have my own king baby problems. It sounds like you ahve learned a lot in a short time. Sometimes one partner recovers in spite of the other partner. Keep up the good work.
You are doing the best thing: He's going to do what he's going to do, what am I going to do? Sounds like you've got that one down!