The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning - my first post here - trying to wrap my head around my situation and not feeling like I'm getting very far. I'm scared and finding it hard to admit he is an AH. I'm angry - really angry that i'm having to deal with any of this. Is that normal? I think I still love my AH but at the same time I feel like I hate him. I don't want him to be an alcoholic. He said for the first time yesterday (after not going to work) that he was going to an AA meeting last night - but of course he didn't - said he wasn't up to it. He barely talks to me anymore, which at times is fine with me but at others i want to know whats going on with him. He's become so quiet and untalkative and unhelpful around this. Trying to find a meeting to go to but the closest one is 20 minutes away. I have a 12 y/o daughter (his stepdaughter) that I don't want to be dealing with this and don't want her father to find out either. UGH so many emotions this morning. Reading posts about joy & peace & hope - seems impossible in this situation. Thanks for letting me vent.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Joy, I would like to assure you that feeling scared and angry is very normal for family members living with the disease of alcoholism. I can remember feeling angry, resentful, self-pity and fear continually until I found Al-Anon meetings and chose to use the program to help me recover. You see living with the disease of alcoholism, affects the entire family and each person needs help to recover from dealing with the daily negative insanity. Al-Anon has those tools and the support group of others who can understand his few others can. In fact, there is an Alateen meeting that your stepdaughter might be able to attend and receive the support she needs.
I know that meetings are a distance from your home, so that in the meantime, you can check out the online meetings here held two times a day in the chat room.
Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. Many of us were devastated when we learned his prognosis but with the help of Al-Anon, we were able to implement new tools to live by and find the courage serenity and wisdom to participate in life once again. The first thing you need to realize was that we are powerless over the disease. That we did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. This being the case, the best we can do is learn to take care of ourselves in a positive fashion. My self-esteem and self-worth were restored, and I learned how to stop reacting and to respond in a more positive fashion.
I agree that everything you describe in terms of emotions sounds familiar to me. It is difficult to live with the chaos of alcoholism. When I was still married to my exAH there were several times he would talk about going to meetings and then for one reason or another, not get there. You have to want recovery to work at it--and 20 min away doesn't sound so bad for a meeting. Keep coming here! And if there are Alanon meetings in your area; I know for me getting to face to face meetings was extremely helpful. There are also online meetings here twice a day.
I want to say welcome joy2flow, ftf mtgs
Will help you so much. All you need to do is
Go with an open mind, listen, learn and absorb
The wisdom. You do not need to speak unless
You want to, you can just say pass.
It all takes time, Alanon is about you getting
better on the Inside out. You learn many useful
tools to help You cope better and healthier. You
can only change yourself not your ah.
Thanks for the responses, hope & suggestions. I will be continuing to look for meetings to go to. Think I will benefit from the face to face interactions. :)
What you're feeling is super normal. I can't count how many times I've said to myself "yeah, hate the disease, not him ... But what about me? I didn't sign up to marry an alcoholic!" Not too different really than wondering why I wasn't born into a super wealthy family or why I wasn't born with natural singing talent or something like that. So what to do with that? Make my life the best it can be given what I have. Make choices for me and quit trying to figure out what choices I would make if I were him.
Another great thing for me with the face to face meetings, especially when it gets so bad at home is that it gives me some time to myself. So needed that sometimes I purposefully choose meetings with a 20 min drive.
I'm pretty new here myself, but I can relate to your post. I felt the same way - and there are many times I still do. I don't know how it happened, but getting to an actual meeting changed things for me that I don't think would have changed on a computer (with me personally) - so if you can get to one - try and go? I also have a son, who is a bit older now, but was about your daughter's age when the A came into our lives. I know how hard it is and the fear about the other parent (my son's Father) "finding out" -- I don't have any fixes for you, other than to tell you that I learned that all I really can fix is me. That whole situation, along with the rest of it that goes with the A...I can't "fix" as much as I want to and as mad as it still sometimes makes me. Just try to go and stick with it. I will tell you that with me, as ready as I was to be there in that first meeting I was still mad that "he" "made" the meetings necessary. But I kept going, and learned I should have gone long before I ever even married him bc I had this in my family. Weather you do or you don't, I do think giving it a few meetings is really important...Hugs to you. I know how much it adds to the situation when there is a child (particularly a step of the A) of that age involved...
Thanks for the encouragement!! my AH hasn't had a drink since Sunday, but I guess I'm sitting here expecting that not to last. He is still not talking much about anything, just sits in front of the computer on FB, watching movies or reading the news. I'm so emotionally numb, except for the anger. And then got a call from my daughters father, and he recently found miniature bottles of vodka in her stuff at his house, one half gone the other unopened... just want to curl up in a ball and cry. :( definitely know I will be finding a meeting to attend.
Big Hugs, can only repeat what has been said about f2f meetings, it took me a while to find Al-Anon, and then a while to have the courage to attend. I was so lonely and frustrated and could not at first see that I had to fix me. What I have found is a miracle, it has taken a lot of work and a lot of time but every minute has been worth it and the wonderful support and friendships I now have are invaluable, Al-Anon is now an integral part of my life, I know without it how easily I could slip back into 'the old ways' - I cannot control Alcoholism, or indeed people/places or things - I can only deal with my own attitudes and behavior, that has proved in time a lifesaver.
Aloha Joy and welcome from Hawaii also to the MIP board. It took me two attempts to get into and stay in the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups. I was also unwilling and unknowing and just wanted the alcoholism and drug addiction in my marriage to just go away. It doesn't "just" go away because it has been with us for thousands of years. I identify with you as does everyone else in the MIP family because if there is one thing that the disease is among many others is that the addiction is habitual...it does the same thing over and over and over again. What is said to you here comes from years of experiences by the member and you will read and hear us repeat each others stories. Our face to face meetings are so deeply healing most of the time because I get to hear the voice and see the face of the man or woman who is supporting my search for sanity. Sanity is one of the biggest consequences we seek in the program and our 2nd Step tells us that with the help of a power greater than ourselves we will reach it.
This disease made me so very angry when it raged in my family that I came very near to killing my alcoholic/addict and that didn't happen because on the second trip I made the doors of Al-Anon and stayed rather than ran.
There is a benefit in the time between home and meetings which I found out and it is in the quietness of the drive I could rethink what I heard in the group without distraction and arrive at greater hope. Please keep coming back. No one should be living under the threat of addiction while knowing there is help and hope.
Joy, thank you for sharing your story
I resonated with some of your experience finding meetings difficult - Last year after a major blow up with AH I wanted change but meetings or therapy were just too much, I had a lot of reasons I couldn't go that now I think of as excuses and fears, but then were very real to me. I also had this hope that the disease would just go away, that we could be happy without having to do anything but drop the bottle. No one could have convinced me to go to a meeting or find a therapist back then, but the seeds of thought and advice from those who had been though all of this before did stick, they rooted and grew stronger over time. Now I am ready and seeking that help and support, but it took time to get there and I doubt anyone could have hurried me along my healing path. I am trying to accept my own journey and be gentle to myself, this isn't easy but it is the most important thing I've ever done.
I'm happy you have found this place and we can learn from one another here as we find our way. I see myself in your story.
