The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm very concerned with my live in boyfriends drinking and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. He's 31 and has been drinking every day for the last ten years, most days around 30 drinks. I'm so sad and frustrated and I don't know what to do. I love him so much...I want to help him, but sometimes I don't know if I'm making it worse, or if there is even anything I can do at all. I have struggled with drinking as well (although on a much smaller scale then him and I am now sober) so I have a lot of empathy for him which sometimes clouds my judgement. I'm also bipolar and in therapy but I don't feel like it's helping much.
I'm also extremely lonely. All of my friends have gotten tired of hearing the same thing over and over and just tell me to leave him. When he's sober, we have so much fun and I can really confide in him. We've been through a lot of similar traumas and can really relate, he's one of the only people I can talk to without feeling judged. But when he's drunk, which is most of the time, it's like he's not there. Not only does he become irrational and incoherent, but he can be very nasty and blames everything on me. He also becomes suicidal and I'm afraid that he'll really do it. I'm living in fear of him hurting himself and am constantly walking on eggshells to try and keep him happy and sober.
Right before Thanksgiving things reached a low that I didn't think I could get through. I had to call the police to remove him from my apartment and flew home for a week the next morning to get away and try to end things. While I was gone he went on a bender, lost his job, and almost drank himself to death. The day after Thanksgiving, he committed to trying to quit drinking for the first time ever since he started. He was very sick the first week but very motivated. Unfortunately, as soon as he started feeling better, he started drinking again. He tried very hard to get into a treatment program but due to lack of money and lack of insurance, he was unable to get into a program. He also tried going through the government, but as he isn't on our lease and has no proof of residency, they would not help him. He's gone to 3 aa meetings which he hates and says make him drink more (he was also wasted at the third one). After a particularly heavy drinking night and a suicide attempt, I took him to one smart recovery meeting which he liked, but he hasn't gone back since. He also started work again last week (he is a server down the street from our apartment) and has gone back to drinking after work every day. Some days he says he wants to stop, others he says he can control it and only have a few but never wants to stop completely.
Two nights ago I thought he had a breakthrough and was so excited. He came home from work and asked if he could be honest with me (he lies constantly and pretends he hasn't had anything even if he's falling down drunk). He told me he stopped at the bar on his way home from work even though he'd promised to come straight home, but after he ordered his drink he realized he'd rather leave. He then went to buy a bottle to sneak in after I fell asleep, but tried to distract himself until the liquor store closed and it worked. He came home sober and without a bottle. He was so proud of himself and so excited. He said it was the first time he'd ever left a bar because he felt like there was somewhere else he'd rather be where he would be happier and it was the first time he felt like he could actually do it and get sober. The next night he came home after work sober again, but left after I fell asleep and came home wasted. I tried to be supportive and understanding when he apologized today and told him I was still proud of him for coming home earlier that night and the night before, but then tonight he came home two hours late and was blacked out.
The up and down between being hopeful that he's recovering and being devastated and hurt when he's drunk is really starting to wear on me. I spend so much time researching recovery programs for him or leaving work because hes in crisis that my job is starting to suffer. I'm constantly cancelling plans and even my own therapy sessions to get home to him when he needs me because he drank too much or to keep him from drinking in the first place. HE comes home drunk in the middle of the night and wakes me up so I'm not sleeping. Part of me wants to give up and kick him out, but I do love him and I know what kind of amazing person he is capable of being if he gets sober. I'm also supporting him financially and could never turn him away with nothing, but his drinking is really affecting my life. I feel helpless and sad and I have no one to turn to. I'm hoping someone here is in my position and can understand what I'm going through. I really need support.
redhead805 - welcome to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you shared.
Alcoholism is a progressive, destructive disease that can not be cured but can be treated. Alcoholics attend AA, while Al-Anon is for friends and family members of Alcoholics. We learn how to find our peace and joy no matter what they are (or are not doing).
I encourage you to seek out Al-Anon meetings, and attend several to find local support and fellowship with others who understand what you are going through. Attending meetings and embracing the program for you will help you break the isolation you feel from being held captive by the disease and the alcoholic.
The first thing I learned when I arrived was the 3 C(s) - I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Recovery is a personal journey, and we learn to detach with love and let them do what they are going to do.
Keep coming back here - know that you are not alone!!
(((Hugs))) to ya...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Redhead Welcome , As IAH has pointed out alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic disease that can be arrested but never cured. You did not cause it , cannot control it. and cannot cure it. In other words we are powerless over the disease.
Living with the insanity of the disease we develop negative coping tools that do not work. Alanon is a recovery program for family members that was established by the wife of the founder of AA when she discovered that even when he was sober she was still filled with anger, resentment and fear.
Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, stop reacting to the insanity and to respond with constructive actions and words.
I am sorry to hear what you're going through Redhead. I know what it feels like. What you're going through is emotionally, physically and financially draining. The best thing I did for myself when I realized that I was being affected by this disease and it was dragging me down, was to learn all I could about it. I learned some of the things I was doing out of love and desperation, were actually making it easier for my AH to remain sick. The highs and lows we go though when they promise and break promises is not fair.
I've learned that a lot of alcoholics want to want to stop drinking and that's where my AH fits in. He really wants to want to stop, but he's not there yet. For me to let myself get excited, hold my breath and have hope each time he promises to try only hurts me when he eventually relapses because he hasn't fully committed to his recovery, found a program and put in the hard work it's going to take.
One of the first things I did to learn about Al-Anon was listen to the 'how al-anon works' book as an audiobook on my commutes home. I was able to learn about it and decide if it could help me, without having to worry about him seeing my books around the house. I also ordered a few other books from Amazon just to try and understand this nasty disease. Eventually I made it to an Al-anon meeting and I visit this message board every day for support and further understanding.
