The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I lost it on my AH who has been sober for going on 7 months. Found a nip in his jacket pocket. I know I should have stopped and thought before reacting but it just pissed me off so much and I had to show it to him and ask him what this was. His immediate response was that he had been cleaning out the garage and found it and poured it out. He forgot to throw it out and just kept it in the jacket that he uses to do stuff around the house. I was so pissed off. Now I feel guilty for bringing it up and putting it in his face. I called an al anon friend who is also a recovering alcoholic and he said that I shouldn't have said anything. This is just so hard because I don't want to bury my head in the sand like I did for many years. It is so hard for me to trust him and he was all hurt that I didn't trust him but I had to tell him that you don't just gain back trust after years of lying to my face in just 7 months. I can't tell if he is just flipping this around on me and being manipulating or if he is being honest. This just sucks. He says it is hard living in a house where he feels like I am waiting for him to relapse. Maybe I am so all this has shown that I have a lot of work to do on myself to forgive and let go. Just sucks that this is how we are starting our week after being home with the kids for school break.
Jazzie - it happens and while the confrontation has happened and isn't what the program recommends, it is already in the past. I've done this exact thing and it feels so right in the moment as well as so wrong. We just have to remember that we seek progress and not perfection as we navigate life differently than before.
Prayers for peace to you and (((hugs))). Keep working on you and keep the focus on you.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
))Jazzie))) It is all a process and you are correct that regaining trust does take time. You can work a 9th Step on this issue, and forgive yourself in the process. Re-Start the New Year trusting HP and your program. Keep coming back You are not alone.
Approximately same thing just happened to me a couple of days ago. I felt justified because I felt she had broken my trust, but it really didn't matter, I am never justified for treating her poorly, and in the process, I also broke her trust. I'm going back to work on me.
It looks like typing it out has helped you regain perspective, stay gentle on yourself. Keep working on you, and keep working on keeping the communications channels open with AH. And keep coming back!
Kenny I read your post yesterday and was going to respond but all hell was breaking loose at my own house. I did come home and apologize for not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I have to remember that what does it really matter if I am right or wrong. I just need to maintain my own serenity and confronting him only made me look and feel crazy. This all just really sucks but trying to start this week off write and texted him that I loved him. Hopefully the kind words will help him feel better and have a better start to the day. I hope your wife finds sobriety again.
I think neutral is a good response jazzie. I have been sober 7 years. I can tell you there is NO WAY I would carry around empty liquor bottles in my pockets unless I was drinking. Either way, drunk behavior is the bigger problem and if he is relapsing, that will become apparent as he wont be able to keep it hidden long. So...I get the reason for saying nothing in this case. Benefit of doubt? Not so much but you dont need to flip out either.
It can be pretty devastating when you thought they were maintaining sobriety and you find they've been sneaking the drinks. Been there seen that, oh boy. In my case it was extra devastating because I knew I couldn't go on staying in a relationship with an active alcoholic. So I'd think, "This is another nail in the coffin - now it looks even less likely that he'll achieve longterm sobriety. My future may be very different than I thought it would be. I'm reeling here." Yep, I blew up on him more than once in this situation.
Finally it became less of a surprise. I'd just throw the bottle away and shake my head at him.
The "good" news is that if he's drinking again, it will certainly become obvious whether or not you discover bottles. Of course in some situations it's important to know sooner rather than later. For instance, if he will be driving kids around. If he's an active drinker, even if he's sober when he leaves with the car, he could easily not be by the time he comes back, so I wouldn't let anyone else be in the car with him. Of course my A would have all kinds of complaints like "You never trust me! I can't believe your paranoia!" My comeback was that as long as there was the smallest possibility that he could be drinking and driving, I would be an irresponsible parent if I let our child in the car with him. So I had to act "as if," once there was any doubt. My A seemed to think this was an outrageous personal accusation. But really? Would I let a drinking babysitter take our kid anywhere? Not on your life.
