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I thought by now that I was an old-timer who knows the ropes.
I also got off easy in the alcoholism department, if you call any of the insanity and chaos easy. But I mean that my A has always been a binge drinker, so there are periods of non-drinking in between the episodes, sometimes months long. And he's not hostile or vindictive, and he doesn't like guns, and he wants to be a good dad, as opposed to the divorced parents who high-tail it for the hills and never bother again. I know there are certain limitations on being a good dad when you have a passel of compulsions, but at least he has the thought in his mind.
So I had gotten used to a kind of equilibrium. Which makes it more shocking to me that we seem to have entered a new stage of sliding downhill. Yesterday he brings our child home (he lives quite close and they walk). He was supposed to bring some milk with him because I was sick. He didn't look drunk but what do I know?
Me: Did you bring the milk?
A: I couldn't find my car key.
Me: Couldn't you just go over to the convenience store? [1 block away]
A: I lost my wallet.
Me: Here, I have a $20 bill. Could you go over for me?
A: I can't get you change till tomorrow.
Me: Huh? Why not?
A: Because it's at the convenience store. [Note that this makes no sense whatsoever.]
Me: Huh? Just bring the change back when you bring the milk.
A: Oh yeah.
He returns ten minutes later with a single-serving size bottle of chocolate milk. WTH? We never use this and never need it, and he knows our standard order is a regular carton of regular milk. Furthermore there is only $2 change from the $20. I am pretty certain I know what got bought what that extra money. And one of the dollar bills is ripped in half! Like he can't even keep a dollar bill intact for one block. Craziness.
Me: Oh. Yeah. Thanks.
Did I mention that the weather is below freezing, and he was wearing shorts?
After he left I pulled on my clothes and walked over to the convenience store and exchanged the chocolate milk for a carton of regular milk.
So I paid maybe $14 for this lesson. I know that in the annals of alcoholism, this isn't extreme. The thing is that it is very different from even the old drunken him. It is a new stage in pathetic behavior. I mean this is a man who used to have a public profile. I won't out him on here, for obvious reasons, but he had a big career in a prominent field (think: show business). You have heard of some of the stuff he's done. And now he can't even manage a carton of milk.
The only reason I'm describing it here is that it is taking some time to sink in that things are heading downhill so consistently. Painful, painful to see. I'm so glad I split up with him before this turn of events happened, or the craziness and pain would be multiplied many times. But it is especially painful to see my son struggling to get his mind around all this. I need some more courage to keep up a helpful dialogue about it, because sometimes it overwhelms my emotional circuits.
Well, you went to the hardware store for a loaf of milk...lol
I have to admit this sounds like the kinds of exchanges i used to have with daughter's father. I once asked him for the very same (some milk when he dropped her off as I was sick...I said I needed enough for daughter's cereal the next day) and he informed me he would deduct it from his child support payment (he took $10) and presented me with a fundamentally empty 2 litre carton (I think that's 4.2 gallons over yonder?) that had approximately a teaspoon of milk residue at the bottom. He had poured out the entire carton and left a few molecules of milk in it. He then announced to all of our mutual friends and to my parents that "she has me buying her groceries now". This was after he failed to pay child support for 6 months and I asked him to pay what he owed directly to my landlord and then heard that he was telling the world "I'm paying her rent for her now".
What matters is, sorry you're feeling sick and I hope u feel better! Also, sorry you had to look at your ex in shorts
Sending you psychic vegetable soup.
More seriously, I don't think any of us ever graduate from al-anon? And being "seasoned' doesn't mean "doesn't need support". What tool or slogan do you think best applies to this? That's a good place to start
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 2nd of January 2016 03:09:44 PM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
LOL, on the shorts thing! I am so sorry you are ill and hope you are already on the mend. I have no real advice, you know, because I'm sort of in the same boat with my XAH. One day he's there and present for our son and the next I'm getting ready to call the police for a well check visit because of the crazy stuff he says or him just dropping off the face of the earth when it comes to communicating with our son.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
bless your heart! I know that crazy well! My AH soon to be ex-AH could and can do similar things! He's been sober a total of 12 whole days now and not in any kind of AA group, no support except from his enabling family that excuses his behavior because surely I am to blame for his alcoholism because AH does nothing wrong... I guess he's some sort of super hero that I was never privileged to know because I always saw a human being who was doing the best he could with what he knew. Anywho, our last crazy episode was that my daughters rode their bikes 0.5 miles in 52 windy degree weather without their sweatshirts or jackets to see daddy, who let me add refuses to have overnights with his children yet quizzes them as to why they don't ever come see him, and I get the report that Mr. Sober says that I have bad parenting skills because it was crazy of me to send my children out into the blistering cold with no coats. It's the deep south, 52 and they had on 2 long sleeve shirts and were perfectly warm enough. Later that afternoon he began texting me to see if he needed to buy the girls coats? um, no. you and i just bought them brand new under armour sweatshirts for birthdays in november and your mother just bought them 2 more for christmas, on top of their bazillion coats hanging by your back door. AH- they have coats? Where? me: for the love of pete honey, all those coats hanging up by the back door are your children's nice sunday coats, etc. and don't you remember buying the sweatshirts? you and I went to (department store) and picked them out together? AH- wth are you talking about? we didn't buy them any coats or sweatshirts. We bought them UGGS? me: ok. we bought them UGGs. But thanks for the vote of confidence there sparky on the parenting skills seeing as how they are two healthy, happy 9 and 11 year olds that I have no idea how they are still surviving with my bad parenting skills, but your yelling and screaming at me every night and then passing out every night by 9 and you have no clue that one of your children has to take singulair daily just got you dad of the year award in my book!
And the sad part of all of this for me is that I feel so darn guilty for leaving him.
Hang in there Mattie! And enjoy the milk!!!!!!! it does a body good! Missmeliss I feel your cray cray too! 1/2 of our town thinks I drove my AH to drink himself silly and that he is having to pay everything for me but AH has yet to give me one red cent since I left Dec. 4. I've had to depend on my dad and run up my credit card to survive. Oh and I was just informed that we are out of toilet paper via the 9 yr old on the toilet. :) Bad parent here now has to get out in that blistering cold 52 deep south freezing cold to go buy toilet paper! Anyone need any milk or groceries while I'm out? ;)
lol Savannah, we're out of toilet paper too. Be a dear and pick me up some! Just don't, you know, accidentally go to the hardware store
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mattie - I sure hope you feel better soon.....events like this are difficult when we feel well - they are way worse when we don't!!!
I have sent my AH to the store for milk before, and he's taken 45 minutes, and came back with cookies, pie and ............................................ you guessed it - no milk!!!
*sigh* - having an AH is like raising another child at times. I went back and got it myself as I didn't have 45 more minutes for him to go to the store again.
Feel better soon girl - prayers and positive thoughts your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((Hugs)) to everyone! I remember this...in my house XA and I called it the ""squirrel" effect. Lol from that kids movie Up. The dog is talking about something and sees a squirrel and just yells "squirrel" and forgets what he's doing. So sometimes I would say hey where is this or that and the answer would be I squirreled. Only way to laugh off the insanity...and now I use it too when I get distracted from something ;)
Oh mattie..im so sorry that you are at this stage with your A. I remember so well when my xah started really slipping like that. The problem is that you start having to act like that plate spinner or juggler in the circus, trying to keep plates spinning while making sure balls dont drop. I became sheer exhausted and thankfully didnt have a child to have to also care for etc. I just tried to manage the major stuff, let go of minor or delegate to someone else if i could. my face to face meetings and just taking a period of time to take a walk etc to clear my mind.
i wish you fortitude and your hp to help you find your answers. I regret how long i dealt with this type of deteriation of my xah but that is what occured and i havnt looked back
so many hugs
alyce
