The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Christmas Day, as I mentioned, ended up being an ABF-free affair. I decided I didn't want to spend hours and $$ going to see his family, he felt I'd stopped him from seeing his family (although he could have gotten in the car with his brother...whom he lives with!!) and things were thus kind of strained between us. My reasoning was sound; he always gets insanely drunk at his mothers and the drama-show between them is both tedious and stressful. So, anyway, I had a lovely lunch with family and during Christmas lunch I made plans with my youngest brother for he and his new girlfriend (who is delightful!!!) to come and stay at my place for New Years. Yay!!!
Anyway, ABF announced he had no money and would be doing nothing for New years and wouldn't be coming to see me. No problem. Then, when he learned I was to be having guests suddenly he was all weird and antagonistic and wanted to come over. I told him he couldn't join us if he wanted to get drunk but if he was happy to participate in a reasonably sober celebration he was welcome. He informed me that he didn't want to come to my "stupid crap" and was going to go into town and party...."I used to go out for free all the time, I can always find someone to buy me a drink" and "I'll pick up a young girl" and "blah blah blah blah blah". He's really deteriorated back into selfish jerk just lately which is hard to wrap my head around; he's been so nice for so long. I was getting all blindsided and full of romantic fantasies where we end up happily ever after anyway. Ooops. So anyway he got nasty and kept at it.
Okie dokie ABF. Sigh. You see every new years eve since I have known him he has gotten drunk, made the entire evening about him and then "broken up with me" (it's his NYE thing) and I've reacted by crying and being sad the next morning. So, there's this saying that whatever you are doing at the moment the new year breaks is how you'll spend the next 12 months. And I decided, this year, I wanted to be smiling and...well, doing things differently. I want to start the year out being brave and doing things the way I want, not pandering to a miserable mean drunk. I want this to be the year of ACTION.
So he didn't come. I spoke to him at about 9pm and he told me he wasn't doing anything as 'there's no point without you" (which actually made me feel very guilty). Baby brother, brother's girlfriend, daughter and I went to this cool beach near me...there's this huge shark gate (you know, giant iron shark proof fence) that encloses a kind of little water park- its deep enough for a high dive and a bunch of pontoons and floating castles and really weird dangerous wheel things that spin you into the water and so on. It's very art deco and a relic really; we love it. I'll see if I can include a picture of this local wonder of the ancient world for everyone's perusal. It's cool.
So we found a lovely spot to make camp at the ocean end of the pier which sits atop the shark fence. On one side we had the open sea and on the other the enclosure, and we made a pact that we would all be brave and jump into the deep dark water at midnight and watch the midnight fireworks show whilst bobbing around in the terrifying black depths. (There is no lighting and the enclosure is technically 'closed" at night; it was so like a Jaws movie lol!!) I am MORBIDLY afraid of deep dark water; if I cannot see what is below me and all around me I just will NOT do it. Not even in a particularly deep swimming pool. Hell, I won't even bathe in the dark; I'm not even joking, it's like a phobia. (I write horror and sci-fi for kicks so my imagination is my best friend and worst enemy!!). Plus did anyone see the recent Doctor Who with all of the skulls at the bottom of the ocean-pool????? OMG!!!! I couldn't stop thinking of it and daughter kept bringing it up which really helped to calm me...
Anyway it was a very, very hot night (we were in the midst of a heatwave) and there were hundreds of revellers sitting on the pier but almost no-one was going in the water. Why not? Because it was pitch black and basically, I guess, just too creepy for words. So when we arrived my daughter turned to me, waved and jumped straight in. Because the child has neither shame nor fear apparently. Thankfully my brother joined her shortly after. Crazy child Can you imagine, not a single soul in the water, it's deep enough for a 10 meter (I think thats 30 foot) high dive and pitch black and she just jumps right in. I wanted to raise a fearless child, perhaps I over-did it????? Anyway she was in the water all night whooping it up with my brother; they had a ball. I sat on the pier getting to know my new sort of sister in law.
So at midnight my 3 companions were all in the water urging me to join them and I was sitting on the edge clinging on to the pier for dear life in my lovely new as-yet-unchristened bathers shaking my head and telling them over and over that I CAN'T, I'm sorry, have fun, forget me, (Just go on...without me....lol). I was on the verge of a complete panic attack at the thought of jumping the 8 feet or so from the peer to the black water below and no-one was more surprised than me when on the stroke of midnight I suddenly just jumped. (I don't remember deciding to do it, I just suddenly realised Oh Fudge, I've Jumped). And then bobbed around in the water with my feet drawn up to my chest and my head whipping around looking for fins Lol!! I can hardly believe I did it. But I had it in mind that THIS year, on new years I wanted to do something brave and hopefully this can be the year of Scared little Mouse No More. Might sound silly but it was a huge fear-conquering exercise for me. I was so excited that I managed it.
Anyway, it was a lovely night. Daughter had a ball. I was pleased with this effort. Everyone was happy. We went home, toasted marshmallows, slept, and got up late for brunch. Lovely. Exactly what I had wanted. A perfect start to a brave new year.
Next day, ABF came over unexpectedly at lunch time and my mood went downhill. When he arrived we were all out the back having brunch and I invited him to join us but he sat stonily on the front verandah and informed me "I don't want to go out there because I have no alcohol and I have no cigarettes" (brothers girlfriend was smoking and brother was having a beer). I let it drag my mood down. I begged, I made him a portion of the brunch (gave him half of mine)....I ended up buying him cigarettes and a bottle of wine last night after my guests had gone. He woke up grumpy this morning and he has been baiting me all day with one of the most full on displays of passive aggressive bull-poo he has ever pulled and I've been falling for it over and over because I have (or had) this stupid expectation that things between us would continue to improve as they have been all year.
So tonight he is on my couch. He's apparently broken up with me, wishes he'd never bothered with me, will never see me again once he's gone in the morning, dablahgahwhatever. He means it in this moment though and I have been miserable all day. My brother looked disappointed when I dropped him off at the station last night; he could see me change and become all worried about upsetting ABF etc as soon as he arrived on the scene I think. I bent over backwards to make ABF comfortable but of course, according to him I have done nothing but unspeakable evils. For example when I went to make lunch I told him if he wanted some he had to come into the kitchen... and help...he agreed...so he came in, took the last clean bowl and got in my way making himself some noodles and left and when I asked him how that was helping he went BESERK and refused to eat his noodles....then informed me I had gone psycho at him...you know the drill, it's been this crap all day long...I say something quite benign or even humorous or ask a question, he throws a fit and then tells me I went psycho and he can't stand to be near me...total crazy-making nonsense that I haven't dealt with for a long time...and I have let it get to me; pleading and trying to rationalise with him, UGH!!!!! And again and again and again it's about how I "wouldn't let him eat his noodles" (which are still sitting on the table in front of him 12 hours later). He told me, when I asked him this vile, evil question, that I am to NEVER, EVER make him food ever again because he does not want it. Then a couple of hours ago it was 'you told me you were making me lunch and you never even gave it to me". For the love of all that is holy, I asked if he wanted, a calzone, he said yes, I said as per our earlier agreement he had to come and help, he agreed. Then he did something different and I asked him, not unkindly or loudly, why he had done so. That was the extent of my sin. I know I don't have to explain it here but it helps to write down my recollection as I've been hearing his version of events all day long. In his version apparently he was innocently trying to eat some noodles and I took it upon myself to transform into a gigantic 3 headed snake-monster and violently hurl he and his noodles about the house until he was too terrorised to eat noodles ever again.
It's been on and on like this all day. No matter what I say or do, he gets angry and then says I went "psycho" I think most people here are acquainted with this particular dynamic and know how truly upsetting it can be when you are trying SO hard to be nice and calm and kind and no matter what you say or do, the other party gets angry and then says you "went psycho". Also as he cannot stop bringing up the noodle incident, every time I walk into the room he fixes me with a hateful stare and says sarcastically 'so how was your lunch, was it good was it?" (he knows I ended up not eating anything). Over and over for more than 12 hours now. It's bizarre and horrible.
The ugly hateful look on his face and the things he has said each time I have tried to make peace have really reminded me of the way he was 5 years ago when he was just flat out abusive and I would say emotionally torturing me on a daily basis and I'll be honest I've been pretty upset and bordering on hysterical inside today. Daughter goes to her fathers tomorrow so I'm sad that she's seen me distracted and unhappy, and that he is apparently leaving first thing in the morning and never seeing me again when I had imagined and hoped for a few nice days together alone before I get back to summer school etc. He's been so nice for so long and I really had some fantastical ideas about spending a few romantic days alone together. Talk about expectations and magical thinking.
He came in just before, after shouting at me and telling me he doesn't know why he ever bothered with me, wishes he hadn't come and never ever wants to see me again....and stood there staring at me for a few moments, hair sticking up everywhere from napping on the couch....a 6 foot 2 angry 3 year old was what came to mind....and stormed out again without a word. I went in (stupid me) and asked him what he had wanted and he screamed at me that there was crap all over my bed and he wanted to lie down. The crap was my daughter and her ipad. Nice. She vacated the room. He went back to the couch and told me to f off. No,no,no. I left this sort of abuse behind and none of us deserve to live it ever again. So it's good that he's going again, but, I do fear how empty and sad and sore I will feel tomorrow once the house is empty knowing that I have a week of daughter away and a miserable heart as well. This will be a challenge for me. Ick.
So I did well with my Christmas and NYE but I reacted very badly to ABF visiting and being a horror and I feel crappy and sad and weak tonight....oh if I'd only said this, if I hadn't said that....it's nonsense. No-one could happily get along with this sort of baiting and crazy making, it's a nightmare.
In other news I have broken a bone in my foot delivering those stupid newspapers (re-broken a stress fracture from years ago) and I can't walk properly and can only limp along which means I can't earn that silly little bit of money which i could really do with after Christmas and with Daughter's birthday in 3 weeks!
Anyway, here's a picture of the aformentioned shark cage. Also, if you look closely you'll see Thomas the Tank Engine passing by in the foreground just to make it extra exciting. Hurrah!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 2nd of January 2016 01:02:24 PM
-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 2nd of January 2016 01:09:31 PM
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Meliss, your descriptions are vivid and wonderful as always.
I loved the story of seeing in the new year and taking the plunge.
I was so hopeful when you said you realized that every new year's, your ABF breaks up with you. Looks like when it happened again, it was just as painful as all the other times. I know how it is when we let good behavior fool us into thinking the good behavior is going to continue. How many times I have done that, because the good behavior just felt so good. So nurturing and sustaining and positive and hopeful. But I wasn't looking at who the good behavior was coming from. Someone who had magically acquired the tools and skills and practice to stay healthy and functional? The tools and skills and practice not to degenerate into an abusive, chaotic, insane person? Not the case. Sadly, not the case in a big way.
I wonder if it would help to put a huge shark-proof gate on your life?
Hang in there. And I don't think Al-Anon suggests that we ever keep the unhealthy from experiencing the consequences of their actions. Even if it involves noodles.
(((MissMeliss))) - huge hugs to you! I am so glad that you, your daughter, your brother & his sign. other all had a great NYE!!!
Your story reminds me of how I feel each time I expect good things/behaviors to continue instead of staying planted in the present. When the storm calms, I am often frustrated with myself for allowing 'it' to happen again. In reality, there is nothing to be shamed about - we are hopeful for change always. I hope you aren't made at you - at least not for too long. You gave him a chance to show/be different, and it didn't happen. Sorry for your pain and that of your daughter.
You and she deserve better. ABF seems to be uncertain of what he wants/needs and/or what his path should look like. The only one who can control what the crossroads between you & daughter vs. he is you. You are powerless over the disease but not over your choices, actions and reactions.
My hope is that you are able to set this aside, and pick back up your attitude - year of action - and have a marvelous week. You truly are not alone - you have us and you have HP. We all want you to be happy, whole and serene!
Positive thoughts and prayers for you all headed your way!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks ladies.
I think I'll be alright to pick myself up and dust myself off. I just really don't want to hear all of the nasty words he has for me when he leaves, and I know they will be abundant. An emotional shark-gate is a great idea
The good news is, after I wrote that post and declared that I write stories for fun, (and I haven't written anything for a long, LONG time...years) I suddenly became seized with a fever and started writing a story with real ferocity. And that's a very, very good thing and I actually WANT him out of here first thing in the morning so I can continue. It's been so long since I had a story to tell, I'd actually forgotten how much fun it is.
Happy New year to me lol!!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
AWESOME!!! That's the spirit girl! A wise woman once told me that it might be a good idea to take a walk prior to the moment of departure. She suggested I not be available for the projected tango and to change things up. It was a great idea and saved my bacon when my son was moving out!!
(((Hugs))) - write, write, write away!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Boy, the CrazyTown Noodle Express brought the whole circus, didn't it? Clowns and fire-eaters and elephants and tightrope walkers and an emotional freak show. Is there any way you can get out of the house and be absent when he leaves? Or until he leaves? I know that situation where they're so furious and addled that they just bait you and bait you and bait you...
On the up side, this would make quite a good horror story!
I am sorry Ms.M. Glad that you had such a delightful Christmas and NYE . It is progress not perfection we seek and for the 2 Steps forward sometimes we need to take a step back. Love the picture and am envious that you wetn to the beach for NYE . Glad you came here to connect
Love the picture. With my first husband I always worried about what I said, how I said, etc., etc. I was a wreck with him the whole 5 years we were together. I see myself doing this on and off with my husband now when he drinks. Even though I have detached a lot, apparently it is not enough. It becomes very exhausting measuring everything we say and do and I think we lose who we are in the process.
Glad your brother, his girlfriend and your daughter were with you for NYE and am sorry to hear that ABF treated you to, yet another upsetting start to the New Years. Happy that you are able to move forward and overcome the disappointment and hope that your foot feels fast and 2016 is a very good year for you and your daughter.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
2 days later he's still here, and hasn't spoken to me. Just grumpy accusatory looks, and lying on the couch watching fights on youtube on my spare laptop.
Of course the obvious question is why haven't I asked him to leave?
I don't know. Yesterday morning when he was in the kitchen I attempted to give him a hug and he just stood there arms at sides and standing stiffly eventually pushing me off him. He hasn't been argumentative, he's just utterly ignoring me.....in my home??? He's behaving the way he used to when he played WoW 24-7, or before that when it was constant porn-watching, or gambling. It's been a very long time since I experienced it; he's been "trying" for ages. Anyway screw trying to analyse it, what matters is me and how and why I am just sitting in my room happily studying and leaving him in my lounge behaving like an angry rude entitled teenager. I don't feel threatened by the way. I feel very peaceful which is odd, is this why I stayed for so many years of cruel treatment? He used to be either like this, or drunk and abusive, and almost never anything else and yet I stayed and stayed. It's really strange and kind of surreal to experience this side of him again and contemplate the what and why I lived with it and why does it seem comforting?
I know that yesterday I felt very sick and sad, almost paralyzed by the sudden change from loving prince charming to angry rude jerk with hate in his eyes. I realised then that there's no WAY I can contemplate living together again, the effect on me is awful. For right now I'm enjoying the silence, and I guess basically I don't want to have the get out conversation because I don't want to feel the pain that goes with all of the nasty childish crap that will be thrown at me when I do.
Shocked by just how weak and breakable my heart is still; thought I was a lot stronger than this.
Oh well. Program time I guess. Can't think of too many other solutions!!!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((MsM. ))) Even with a great deal of program we are still very human and so capable of having our hearts broken . Keep using your tools- validate yourself, keep writing your assets and gratitude and the pain will lift as you begin to feel your self worth return.
.
(((MissMel))) - I agree with Betty - we are human yet we are worthy. Keep program-focused and the next right thing will pop into your brain! You've worked a great program to date - don't let 'this' situation, which is a speed bump compared to the whole of life change who you are, how you practice self-care or what's important to you.
We are here for you - keep doing your thing!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sigh, wow doesn't this bring back memories. I know there's not much point dwelling in it but it hurts and I need to let it out somewhere instead of stewing in it..practically there are things I could do to get him to leave, but I'm having a huge codie relapse and haven't arrived at that point yet. I'm just struggling to digest the situation and horrified by how sad and frightened I feel all of a sudden. Hello abandonment issues, been a while since I saw you a-holes. Can't say I missed you much.
It's the night of day 3 and he's still in my lounge, giving me looks of pure hate any time he sees me. He's been lying there watching movies and any time I walk through the room (the front doorway is in that room as well as all of my stuff although I've migrated to my bedroom) he pauses what he is watching, sighs heavily and says nastily "yes, what do you want?". Did the same when I went into my kitchen before as if it's a terrible nuisance that I am here in my own house. No of course I don't have to put up with this, yes I am choosing to endure it for the moment while fear and indecision temporarily have hold of me. I'm not proud of myself, that's for sure, just painfully aware of how much work I still need to do and how profoundly sick I still am.
**********************This bit is venty nonsense**********************************
He has informed me repeatedly that he absolutely wants to break up, he "should have done it a long time ago", and isn't leaving because he has no money for a train. I have no cash on hand to lend him right now so his story is he's "trapped' here. (yes of course that's stupid, if he was desperate to leave, he would leave and also if I wanted to I could go and withdraw some money so, this is a choice on both of our parts). He only came over because I wanted him to. (???) He's dealing low blows about how pathetic it is I won't drive him and can't drive by myself (not true but I will NOT get in a car with him when he is like this; he starts yelling and fighting and I get distracted and make big mistakes...2 times when arguing with him I have run red lights....and I am a super careful driver so that's just AWFUL and dangerous. This is actually a big part of why I didn't want to do Christmas with him and drive for 8-10 hours with him, the potential for him to get argumentative and me to get distracted was huge). There's no point to this relationship, I never visit him, I ruined his Christmas, I ruined his New years because I wouldn't let him come over, and he didn't want to come over until next week when he had money (these 2 things don't make sense together but, logic isn't a useful ally when trying to reason with someone who wants to misunderstand everything you say). I'll be happier without him, he just wants to get out of here, I'm "married to the dog anyway" (the dog jealousy is so gross and childish), and over and over and over again, "Explain to me why you couldn't just let me eat my noodles" and 'things aren't any good between us anyway (why are you trying so hard to make them awful then?) and this one is just brilliant..."OK, lets go to my house tonight and you can stay over then". (Umm, what??) Oh plus he isn't leaving until I drive him home with his mower (which has been in the shed for months) but FU, you can keep my damn mower/ I'm not leaving without my mower. And then again with the noodles, the noodles, the noodles. "If you had have just let me eat my noodles, none of this would have happened. You brought this on yourself". Yeah, I hear that nasty punnishy Mr Hyde in his voice and I think because I'm not reacting much and mostly keeping to myself and maintaining politeness it'll probably just keep escalating. This guy, the mean one, just likes to inflict pain I think. Makes me question everything I thought I knew...many times over the last year of living with Dr Jekyll, I've seen him ignore something that would normally set him off and have wondered if he was storing it up. Now it makes me wonder if this wasn't hiding inside all the time because he used to be like this on a regular basis...when we lived together and I had no way to escape it. What a trip down memory lane. How did I put it behind me and think we could be OK? I must have wanted to believe so very badly. Sad, very sad. I need to let go of this now.
If he was carrying all of this anger and resentment, wanted to break up and didn't want to be here, why did he come? Why did he bring a weeks worth of food for himself? Why go to someone's house and stay there giving them evil looks and saying nasty things? It's as confusing and hurtful as it ever was. Why get me to spend money buying him smokes and a bottle of wine if he wanted a train ticket home? 3 nights ago he was telling me the usual we are forever and blah blah blah so this is just out of nowhere. And even if he does want to break up what is with all of the nastiness? Why stay here and give me evil looks and tell me nasty things over and over????? It's so mental. But it was always mental. I must have hurt myself so very much living with this constantly for years, and I feel painfully aware of how much I need and deserve my own protection. I always did.
*************************End of venty nonsense*********************************
I sound so much like me 2 years ago. Makes me wonder if I ever really made any progress at all. But that's stupid. I'm not losing my mind and being hysterical this time, even if I am sad and not doing what I should. I'm calm, I'll be OK. The overwhelming thought that keeps coming to me is, if we are not together, and I am SO far from family, how will I stand it? I don't enjoy living so far away...I hate the isolation...I suppose knowing he was only an hour away gave me some sense of security. I didn't feel so alone and it seemed to be getting better and better and I guess I really did think someday...someday.
Well I've just been in my laundry and discovered that he found some wine in my pantry that I had forgotten about and helped himself to it. There's not much, maybe half a bottle but suddenly he's being slightly friendlier and asked if I had watched a certain TV show...the first civil thing he has said in days. Is this all pissy anger and resentment because he can't afford alcohol? Who knows. Probably not even him.
Anyway enough venting about irrelevant he said/he did. It's old news.
Let's look at the positives.
My room has been a huge mess for months and months, and today, desperate to keep busy, I cleaned it thoroughly and now sit at my lovely clear desk enjoying my new clean space. I listened to 3 weeks worth of pathology lectures today and began an assignment...wouldn't have been motivated to do that if I wasn't trying to take my mind of my angst. I began writing a book...and it's good and I'm a little bit in love with it. Huge positive there. Possibly the most exciting thing I've had happen in a long time as I've had "the block" for years now. I'm pleased that although I am not as detached as I think I should be, nor demanding he leave, I'm also not sick with anxiety. This is very different to the way I used to be at times like these. It's good that I am being reminded of how awful an painful this relationship really has been because, after a year of him being mostly nice to me, I had kind of glued rose colored contact lenses to my eye balls. It's time for them to come off I guess.
So, that's me tonight. Not super happy but, I guess it's time to face reality and let go of the ridiculous idea of happily ever after.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
(((everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 4th of January 2016 07:00:45 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
So, that's me tonight. Not super happy but, I guess it's time to face reality and let go of the ridiculous idea of happily ever after.
Melly, happily ever after is one of the most powerful illusions that our society has placed into our minds. The notion that we could just start up the relationship like a pull lawnmower, and from then on the motor purrs, is utterly ridiculous.
It is such a powerful illusion that it can take years to get over it. Especially for those who had a dysfunctional home life - I think that just makes us want it even more. The specter of alcoholism in my then 23-year-old marriage finally did it for me, finally knocked my wife off that pedestal I had put her on, left her up there to be polished occasionally.
Be gentle with yourself, it's OK. Be demanding with him, that's OK too. That lawn mower will run forever, but only with the proper maintenance, and when all the parts are firmly attached. I don't think all of boyfriends' parts are.
Mel - your post is awesome in that the self-awareness is pouring out. I have to agree with Kenny - happily ever after is a facade - happens in movies and is promoted as reality by our society. I have yet to see it happen and accepting that successful relationships take a ton of work and positive contributions by both parts is a reality whack upside the head for most of us.
It's awesome that in spite of the happenings, you've been able to be productive and 'see' what is good. That for me is program, and great progress. We are all about progress, leaving perfection behind, so kudos to you.
Everything you've written sounds familiar. The stand-offs here happened many times in the past and it always seemed as if time slowed to a crawl. I made it through to the other side, and so will you. Keep taking care of you, be kind and gentle to you and know that we're all here, just a post away.
(((Hugs))), prayers and positive thoughts sent to you from here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So sorry, Mel. It looks like you went back into the hardware store for bread. And now the hardware store owner is following you around acting like a maniac.
I have a little bit of ESH here - ? The last time this happened to me and I ranted away (all justifiably), I printed it out and kept it where I knew I could always find it. The description of what I went through saved me from several more repetitions, when I faltered and started to think it was okay to let him back into my life again...
I am always going to the hardware store for bread LOL.
Meliss I appreciate your share. That behaviour is so familiar to me from my AH. We have been going though a very good year as well and I keep feeling a bit uneasy. Like Mr. Hyde is going to show up. I get glimpses here and there. And last night I found myself acting in my old ways and I think part of it was because it hadn't happened in so long I wasn't prepared for it. I apologized several times for something I didn't need to apologize for and then went through all this self loathing last night that I couldn't sleep. But when I woke up this morning I realized something. Even though I behaved in my old way it didn't work for me anymore. It didn't feel comfortable. I could see after I did it how very wrong and bad for me it was. And to me that is progress. Anyway, I appreciate all your thoughts and openness and what you have shared. I think it's awesome that you jumped off the pier on new years. It's inspiring. And look at all the amazing things you have done despite his bad behaviour.
My AH makes a big deal out of small things like that too. He can behave very similarly. And he can make a really big fuss when I don't give in to him. When I don't do something to "justify" his bad behaviour. Good for you for staying in your hoolahoop or on your side of the street.
Can you imagine, not a single soul in the water, it's deep enough for a 10 meter (I think thats 30 foot) high dive and pitch black and she just jumps right in. I wanted to raise a fearless child, perhaps I over-did it????? Anyway she was in the water all night whooping it up with my brother; they had a ball. I sat on the pier getting to know my new sort of sister in law. 
