The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will do my best to explain how I feel. My ABF quit drinking 3 months ago and has become very distant emotionally, very self centered and changes plans constantly. My head is spinning not getting confirmation of what is going on with him. Maybe I am finally seeing who he really is now and its not what I want. He works out of town for 3 weeks at a time and lives in camp. We talk but there is no sense of love coming from him. Its direct and business like. There is no mushy love words coming from him. I need that and I am not receiving it from him. We had talked about getting married, now his tone has changed and he says there are things that need to be done before that happens but will not clarify what those things are. Then he made mention that he is going home this summer for 2 months, without any mention of me going with him. I asked, what about me and he said what about you? I said am I going with you and he said if you want. I feel like a spare wheel and unwanted. I have helped him through a lot in the past 1.5 years we have been together. In Feb last year me and my daughter moved in with him. He now has his drivers license back, a vehicle, a job, money, getting his bills paid off, facebook set up and contact with people he has lots contact with, contact with his grown sons (4), ex wives 3x, and his attitude has changed a lot toward me. He has become very selfish. Before he had said he wanted us to get married as soon as possible, (we even got wedding rings, his divorce certificate, a wedding dress), and I need to get kitchen set up in the basement so can rent the basement out, we are moving back to his home province in 2016. Today, the plans are all different again. Its unreal. Every day its something different. Yesterday, he sent me a text, happy new years. No loving words attached to text. I feel just unwanted from him and like what am I doing here...I went out new years eve and went to a blues bar and had much needed fun. I felt good. I feel like he is hanging onto me till he gets his life together and then will move on. He is very focused right now to get his bills all paid off to get his credit back. I have title on his house as co-owner and feel he will buy me out and I will have to start all over again. That may not be a bad idea. I just feel he is so distant and unloving toward me. I feel I am waiting on a dead promise and I am hurting as I have feeling toward him but it does not appear to be mutual. I have been thinking, its time to start checking out dating sites and see what happens. I feel starved of love, confirmation of love as I am not getting it at home. I have taken off my engagement ring and I have started limiting my contact with him. I am no longer texting him or phoning him. I am trying to be civil toward him as much as I can and not continue to give to him anything, not even words of love. He has made plans to deal with some paperwork when he returns but I made a plan to say to him he can figure it out himself and not help anymore. I am fed up with helping him just to be neglected and abandoned by him after he got what he wants. I am angry at myself for being there for him so much and not getting anything back. I am hurting. I feel used. I feel like he is using me to get what he wants and then he will leave. Even the last time he was home he made mention that I annoy him. That comment made me blow a gasket. I was angry its like how dare you talk to me like that after all I have done to help straighten your messed up life around. He was an absolute mess when I met him. He has come a long ways since then and can see a great future together but I am seeing reality is very different. Yesterday, new years eve, I cried and cried because the realization of this dead relationship hit me hard. I see no future anymore. I will not have my needs of loving confirmation met. It hurt a lot. I think I was living on the promises of what could be rather than the reality and reality hurts a lot. I am sick physically as well so I am not able to get out a lot. I am keeping busy though through projects I am working on at home. I had been doing a lot of writing about my past and have come to see I deserve a lot better then what I am getting now. I deserve a relationship where I feel supported, encouraged, valued, special, like a queen, heard, validated, believed, loved like I am number 1. I am tired of this one sided relationship. I feel like I am going against a wave and I am drowning in it. I want out of this relationship, as I am not getting my starved emotions met. I have thought maybe he is having a relationship with one of his ex wives, gf or someone new on the computer that I do not know of. I try and talk to him about my worries and fears but he will not discuss it. I feel shut out. I am so tired of feeling so afraid and uncertain. I feel maybe he is done with me but has not had the guts to tell me. I just know for me this relationship is not working and I am done for today. Thanks for listening.
I am glad you are here. There are ones here that have had a lot more experience being in Al Anon and a relationship than I but I can give you my encouragement and .02.
I can really understand what you are feeling when you said he came on so strong at the first and wanting to get married etc. Not marriage plans but with my ABF things were completely different at first. So much romance and those 'mushy' words and going out all the time. Maybe it is the nature of an Alcoholic or any addict to have this kind of behavior is my thinking. It fits with their nature is how I see it.
I know the words he has said and how he is treating you has been very hurtful. It sounds like you are trying to make the right decision to distance yourself from him. Even if he is sober as mine has been 30 yrs it doesn't mean they are completely working the program. I think sobriety is just one small percentage of it. There are so many 'defects of character' that we learn in Al-Anon and is one of the twelve steps that if he is willing he will continue to work on in his recovery process.
If you haven't gone to a local AlAnon meeting search out one. I don't know how I would make it without it. You will find a group of people that really understand what you are going through plus there are online meetings through this site also.
If he is working the program you may find the relationship is not over. It is all up to you. One of the best lessons I have learned through Al Anon is not to have expectations. With an Alcoholic you can work on having a good relationship but when I have expected our relationship to be progressing and us spending more time together and it is just not happening then I had to realize I have to either accept him the way he is and work on myself or give it all up. I am working on accepting him as hard as it is to understand his actions.
My counselor gave me a great saying "What screws us up most in life is the vision in our head of how it is supposed to be". So true!!
I wish you the best. I know how difficult it is. I made the terribly hard decision to divorce my workaholic husband after 30 years of marriage.
Keep coming back here. There is always a 'listening ear'.
Joker - so sorry for what you are feeling and going through. I have stayed in my marriage but have had all the feelings you are having and have felt used, dismissed and even abandoned. It doesn't feel well at all.....I'll send you positive thoughts and prayers.
My only path to feeling better and different has been through this program. In Al-Anon, I learned more about the disease and how it affects the alcoholic and those who love them. I am able to see what is the person and what is the disease. Unfortunately, at times, with or without the alcohol, the diseased is not at all what they want to be and those of us closest to them get the worst of it.
My solution came in the form of recovery. Looking at who I was and am and what made me tick and gave me joy and peace - all of this is part of the personal journey and the answers came as a result of the program.
You deserve happiness and joy. We all do and we are worthy of it + grace + peace + serenity. My path to that and more came by learning to love myself, trust my HP and believe in me. These are all gifts of the program, so put you first and work the program to the best of your ability. The answers will come in time - so it happened for me!
Hang in there and keep coming back. We are all just a post away and you are not alone!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Even if he wasn't an alcoholic, what you are feeling is the feeling of someone who enabled and gave so much of herself without any return on investment (sorry for the business analogy here). I did the same thing in my marriage for years. I put myself on a shelf and met my XAH's needs over and over again because he was an empty soul and needed me to fill his emptiness. I let him dump all his dysfunctional crap and emotional stuff on me day in and day out, even when he was sober for years, and I got resentful. Those resentments created serious tension in our relationship. I took off my ring whenever I was away from home. I fantasized about other men, not anyone specifically but just being in a loving relationship and being loved in a way that made me feel like I mattered and that he WANTED to meet my needs.
My XAH couldn't do those things for me because he was sick. He didn't love himself. He wasn't capable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved. Not saying that he didn't love me, because I do believe he did. It just wasn't in a way that was healthy, mature, kind, nurturing, accepting, and sincere.
You deserve to have your needs met and if you're working a program with Al Anon, you will figure out what that is and how to find your own peace from within. You will know what is the right path for you if you just ask your HP to guide you and talk to your sponsor, journal, meditate, etc. It took me 3 years to leave my marriage and I was unhappy for years before that, too. Praying for you to have perfect peace today.
Here was my mantra at the end of 2014 right before I filed for divorce: When the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving, only then will you make a change.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Oh, and one more thought to follow up here.
Words are cheap. My XAH was always so good with the spoken word. Telling me how beautiful I was, how I was so wonderful for supporting him, how he was the envy of all the guys at the country club with his hot wife, etc etc etc. He was really good at all the mushy stuff too. Eventually, what confused me was how he could say all these wonderful things but never had the actions to back any of it up.
My current bf, whom I've been with since last April, is terrible with words. He loves to talk about ideas and what inspires him and about our kids and our dreams and goals....but ask him to talk about feelings or relationships and he looks like a deer in the headlights, LOL. I had a really hard time accepting the fact that all he would say is, "You look nice tonight", when my XAH used to gush about my figure or be sexually suggestive, etc. So, I started comparing their words and I became dissatisfied with my new man. Until I talked to a few girls from program who said, "What about his actions? My AH is so good with words but he never backs any of it up. He breaks promises, lies every time he talks, and never follows through but damn he makes me feel wanted with his words. I don't want words anymore. I want actions instead of empty words. Anybody can say I love you, what does that look like and feel like through their actions, though?"
So, I took a step back and realized that my bf was consistent, he was loyal, he was dependable, he was always on time and if he said he was going to be somewhere he would be there, even if he wasn't feeling 100%. He has gone out of his way for me without my asking, he treats my son well, he sets a good example for his children and he is open and honest with them and with me. He may not be good at 'telling' me how he feels but he shows me everyday that I am a priority in his life by calling every day or texting something flirty (which is way out of his comfort zone but he does it because I asked him to). I'm still struggling with my codependency but being with an emotionally healthy self confident man helps me keep my codie Al Anon behaviors in check. Our relationship may or may not last and I'm Ok with that because I know now what healthy looks like and I also accept the fact that even healthy relationships have problems because it's 2 people bringing their imperfect selves together. Learning to love myself had to come first and once I put action behind those thoughts by working through my recovery, the rest just fell into place. Super big hugs to you today!!!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
