The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've posted once or twice before, but mostly just spend time as a reader here. Hoping others could help chime in on what I'm experiencing (I'm sure many have!) and provide some advice.
So...long story short, I've finally made the split from my Fiancee (we own a home together, no kids) and I am staying with some family in a nearby town. Trying to mostly clear my head, and help her realize that her most important goal right now should be getting HERSELF healthy, and not worry about US. She seems to "get it" but has recently contacted me via email/text trying to get me to come home. Basically, we haven't been "intimate" physically/emotionally for about 2 years, and now she is saying she wants that again, basically trying to lure (for lack of a better term) me back with sex.
I'll admit that I consider it, but the whole thing just feels wrong and way too weird at this point. Do others have experience with this? It just doesn't feel right to me, and I know in my brain that if I want to get clear of her I need to avoid that completely with her, and it wouldn't be fair to BOTH of us.
Hi Heisenberg You do not say that yo are attending alanon face to face meetings. If you are not I would suggest that you find a face to face meeting in your community and attend. The hot line number is in the white pages.
It is suggested that you make no major life changes until you worked the program for at least 6 months The reason for this is that by then we have let go of many destructive attitudes and developed some healthy tools and can then make better decisions for our life. It is only human to consider going back with the promise of intimacy and connection. It cannot last if neither have embraced a recovery program. Please take care of yourself and keep coming back here. Love your log on name and avatar :)
She has been off and on in AA for 3 years or so. I've never been full time in Al-Anon, but after 3 years of struggle living together (more as roommates than a couple) I know that I'm ready to move on. I agree that I could learn more from the program about how to reconnect, or deal with her addiction. Her promise of intimacy now, after so long without it, just seems too strange for me. I guess it's because I finally actually moved out? Maybe that is the wakeup call she actually needed to stick with AA finally, I just fear that our relationship is too far gone at this point, from my perspective.
Heisenberg - glad you posted. I don't have this type of experience, but my experience is that when I make a change that appears to be a good move for my life/future, my qualifiers tend to react. It is possible that her pursuit of you has everything to do with you moving out, as she's realizing she's going to be alone. But, in reality, what she does, says, promises, writes, etc. is not important, as you wrote. What is important is that you both assess, process and get healthy.
This disease is considered a family disease. Some times, we believe that the 'others' are sicker than the qualifier. We lower our standards and tolerate the impossible all in the name of love/marriage/kids/other. Whether you seek Al-Anon recovery or not is a choice, but many of us have found that we repeat patterns of picking 'sick partners' and/or of controlling, parenting, covering, enabling others to the point where we isolate and are unhappy/miserable/crazy.
Al-Anon for me has helped me 'see' the person I should be. It's helped me understand many patterns I've adopted in the past, and given me tools to be at peace and have joy no matter what anyone else is doing or not doing. I will add that in my experience, physical intimacy messes with my processing completely....I am one who can not detach from another and work on me if I am intimately involved with them.
My best suggestion at this point is to explore here, study the program, consider trying it and working on you. If she's serious about recovery, let her actions speak louder than her words. I also am one who believes that if it's meant to be, it will be golden at the right time - not yours or hers. Both will know when that is.
(((hugs))) - this disease takes hostages and recovery is the best medicine for dealing with 'all that comes' with and from the disease!
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the responses, I really appreciate them. She *seems* serious about recovery, but this isn't the first time we've separated and then got back together only to have her drinking again. I will definitely do more research here, and try to find some local meetings to attend, ideally. At this point, I'm more concerned with her getting healthy and having a "normal" life again, than worrying about the future of our relationship.
I plunged back into my relationship a number of times because he started recovery. What I didn't know was that only 15-25% of those who start formal programs of recovery stay in it longterm. (The number will be less for those who just "decide" to stop drinking, etc. - "informal" recovery. If they could do it on their own, they probably would have done it already.) Anyway, I thought once he had acknowledge that he had a problem, and was ready to recover, we were good to go. I didn't realize how strong addiction is.
What I also didn't know was that even for those who stick with recovery, the first year is very rocky and not fun at all for bystanders, and subsequent years can be rocky too. It's not the way I thought, that they sort of flip a switch and everything will be good from then on. It's still a huge struggle with many emotions, volatile attempts to learn to live as a non-drinker, etc.
So my thought is that for those of us who are wondering whether we should get back together with our A, now that our A has started recovery - there is no deadline. It's far safer to wait for a year or two and see how they're doing. They're cautioned not to start a new relationship in early recovery, so either they will still be available after a year or two - or if they've decided to plunge into a new relationship, we can tell that they're not taking the suggestions for recovery seriously, which is a bad sign. And if we don't want to put our lives on hold for a year or two - that's entirely appropriate, and we shouldn't. But we can alwyays revisit our options at that date. It's not as if what we decide has to be true for ever and ever, so we don't have to fear that it's now-or-never. That sometimes plunges us into "now" when that's not appropriate for us.
I agree with what Mattie has to say. I've lived it and it has been tough. This time my A has 7 more months of being "a loser POS with more guilt and s$&t to deal with" (his words). he isn't the same person he was last time I knew him with 4 months sober, and neither am I. I just focus on using my program tools and worrying about me today. If I want to have a coffee with A, I will. If I don't, I won't. We do not discuss the future because it is like worrying about a bunch of what ifs. He might slip, or even have another long term relapse. I might decide that it isn't worth the risk to be with an A again, recovering or not. I just take each day at face value and make the most of it!
Thanks, OT - that is a great point about not discussing the future as it is all what ifs (I never really thought about it that way)! I feel like I am at that point, but she is definitely concerned about setting a "schedule" for when we talk and showing me how she's doing, etc. While it's great that she is communicating better and trying to get healthy, I keep telling her that 1 week, 1 month, 1 year might not make a difference in our relationship getting back together. I try to remind her that her sobriety and health is #1 priority, and she does want to try AA again. Hoping she sticks with it this time.
Happy New Year - looking forward to good changes to come in 2016!
