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Any suggestions, good slogans or quotes for dealing with my AH when he's just being unreasonable? He's been sober for a bit now, but his dry drunk is horrible (practically equal to the drunk guy at times). Just to give an example, our son is being watched this week by visiting relatives (daycare is closed), he's been having a ball with my mother and sisters. My AH will ask me each day what they are planning to do with our son that day and then will put ridiculous rules on them, they are not allowed to take him to a certain museum, since AH hasn't been there with our son yet...things like that.
He is upset with my family since his alcoholism was put on display in front of them over Thanksgiving weekend. He's mad that they now know his dirty little secret. Even though they did nothing wrong, they are now not allowed in our house and all kinds of BS like that. It just puts me as the middle man and he tries to make things harder for me and punish them with all these little rules and regulations...all while he's sitting at home all day, feeling sorry for himself. Hasn't worked in weeks!
Best one I can think of is say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. If he wants to put a rule on your family, he has a couple choices - he can either do it himself, or ask you to do it. Refusing to do it by just stating such without being mean would be enough. Mean would be "I'm not telling my family what a drunk old man wants", so rather something like "If you want to make those rules on my family, please do it yourself, i don't agree with the rules and won't support them."
The follow up to this slogan is JADE - don't Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. If he wants to engage after you have said your peace, just walk away. Or walk away saying "I don't need to explain myself, I think I stated it clearly and there is no room for argument".
Does the house belong to both of you? Then perhaps he can leave when family comes over, since he doesn't want to see them but you do?
This is certainly a bazaar situation CoopsMom. If your parents and sister are minding your child , and hubby feels as he does it might be easier for you to give them a list of places that the child enjoys so as to avoid this mess.
I would then tell hubby that you have done this and if he wants to screen their trips further , he can call them to discuss it -- He can also discus why he does not want them in the house as he is an adult and you cannot be his spokes person
Man I can relate to your post. My AH used to put me in the middle of things with his "rules". He wanted his rules put in place and enforced and didn't want to have to do it himself. I didn't always agree with them, didn't want to follow them or enforce them but didn't feel it was ok to disagree. Instead I kept it all bottled up until I exploded. Just like Kenny suggested I actually did those things. I spoke up when I disagreed with his rules. I asked him to communicate them and enforce them. My AH backed down on a lot of his rules that were ridiculous to begin with. By having to communicate them himself he heard the feedback directly from the people he was trying to control. He also got some insight into how controlling he was being because he had to think about it before he talked to someone about it. Plus it was a lot of work...I know I did it for too long lol. I wish you luck with this I know how challenging and stressful it was for me.
I would avoid, like Betty suggested, telling him any of their plans. This way he doesn't know and cannot have any input. As far as him not wanting your family in your home, I would avoid, again, any confrontation and just meet your relatives at a different location. I bet he will feel left out, but it will be his own doing and you will be at peace!!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Reading what you guys have to say is very helpful. I am realizing that this is a control thing and it's proving to me that I've been trained over the years by him and I've been doing his dirty work, being the middle man for all kinds of stupid things. If I were to make him communicate his own rules, he'd never do it! He knows how dumb, petty and rude his demands can sometimes be. Why does he feel so comfortable proclaiming that stuff to me?
Ahhhhhh he uses me as a filter in a lot of different ways! He stays protected, untouched and I have the stress of trying to figure out how I am going to lie to cancel last minute plans, or keep a certain person he disliked from showing up at a backyard BBQ. I feel like I've been hit in the face with a brick realizing this! Now the trick is to communicate calmly and not in a mean way, like Kenny has reminded me.
Thank you for the feedback as always.
-- Edited by CoopsMom on Tuesday 29th of December 2015 03:56:17 PM
Coopsmom - we have had a bit of that in the past. My son gives me rules, guidelines, and such for spending time with my grandson(s). I was caught off guard the first time it happened, and used my program to say nothing.
I spoke with my sponsor and you are right - its about power. The next time he added a rule or changed a rule or ..., I just asked him to write it down - I can't remember things well any longer, so he chose to not write down and I try to do what seems right in my home and what seems right in his home.
"Not my monkey, Not my circus...." comes up in my mind. My sponsor suggested that as soon as someone, anyone asks me be the go-between in an uncomfortable situation I need to give it right back. So, when my son wants me to tell his brother ..... I suggest he call him. I have actually gotten up and given a piece of paper with the phone number to my husband when he acts like this. I do not impose restrictions on others when they are being of service to me unless it's life-concerning (allergy to peanuts, allergy to animals, etc.)
You can and will figure out a way to detach from this. When we change our actions and/or reactions, I find many of these power steps stop completely or are significantly reduced. It's almost as if my AH or ASon has to ask themselves if it's important enough for them to handle or to let go.
Sorry you're stuck - just remove yourself as gently as possible and see what happens! When I did my inventory, I realized I was a willing participant in this stuff for a long, long while - another area I enabled. Yet another example of discomfort that changed/went away once I stepped out.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My hubby had a dry drunk for about 6 months..... and that was while he was attending AA every day. (Whatever!!!) Finally, when I was tired of all the complaining that things were not perfect I told him to "shut up and go to your sponsor with it". I hope that your hubby is going to meetings and has a sponsor.
I also realized that I was the go-between whenever he wanted to "shine" and needed to control. I stopped being his wingman..... his cheerleader..... I learned that "no" is a complete sentence.
Be prepared for the guilt trip that he will try to put on you... and that you will put on yourself. It is another result of living with this disease.
