The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do you ever learn to trust again when they have lied and manipulated for so long? Is trust even possible again? My AH says he wants to move forward and has admitted that he needs to get help, but after his last episode my anxiety raises everytime he's away from me. I wonder if he's up to something. I can't continue to live like this. It's wearing me down physically and emotionally. I'm assuming this is where the Alanon coping skills come in? Any immediate suggestions until I can get involved in a group this week?
Thank you again. It's such relief in itself to know I'm not alone in this. Just reaching out to you all makes me feel less alone.
JL - I was raised to believe that trust is earned. What the program tells me is I need to let go of the past and not project into the future. So, in my own processing, I suggest that I will live in the day. When I take it one day at a time, I figure I can trust just for today IF I am taking care of me. Of course, I do not ask probing questions, nor pry into the business of my qualifier(s). I let them live as they need to and do my next right thing.
Let his actions speak louder than his words, and in the meantime do the same. Attend meetings here if you can't get out. Use any literature you may have to understand more about the disease and your recovery.
These are just my immediate thoughts - you and he did not arrive where you are over night, so it won't be 'good' over night either. Recovery is a one day at a time, one moment at a time. Having low or no expectations is key to peace of mind - if I expect nothing, I am not disappointed when nothing changes.
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Our first step says "We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable." With that admission we can give ourselves permission to stop trying to control alcohol, our alcoholic, and all events surrounding them. When I finally decided to do that, my alcoholic ended up with a couple of DUIs. And from them she hit her bottom, and has been in recovery since. it hasn't been easy, but it has been the best thing for us.
Realizing that you can give up control of your alcoholic and the alcohol, living one day at a time, are all part of our coping skills.
I agree with the above posters and would only add .. the biggest place I had to go for trust was my HP and me, everything else was gravy after that. Should I be able to trust what my XAH tells me even now .. sure .. is he trust worthy? Umm .. let's see 2 months of consistent behavior doesn't out weigh the 15 years of bad behavior. So do I trust him? I absolutely trust him to be the person he shows me he is, and as he continues to do what he's suppose to do I will trust him to the point that he has earned that trust. Does that mean I'm going to tell him he can pay support on his own without the State taking it out of his pay? Absolutely NOT. He has used and abused that trust and it will take years of him following through what he says he's going to do and the reality is he's better than he was .. he still has to be told what to do. I do not think it's done on purpose because I believe he believes what he tells me in the moment.
The flip side is when I need to know the truth HP always shows me what I am ready for .. that has been a solid truth for this whole situation.
So I really try to let go and let HP take care of His business while I take care of mine. If I need to know .. I will know.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
What a great question that you asked! What I have learned is that I cannot trust my A as I have been lied to over and over and over again. But I am learning to trust myself, and the help I receive from all the aspects of Alanon. I have learned to trust HP. I feel so much better in every respect, especially learning to love myself. I am detaching with love from the A which took over a year's work, and I focus on myself, my goals, and my happiness. The future is in HP's hands, not mine. The Serenity Prayer and slogans help, however when I was new to program like yourself, I could not understand the good moods and optimism of the folks on the board and in my F2F. It seemed like I fairytale that I could not possibly reach because I was in so much pain. My suggestions for you is to find a F2F meeting, a sponsor you like, and give yourself time because as someone else said, you cannot fix this in a day or a week. But you can start taking care of you today. Keep coming back, Lyne
I trust in myself that, as Iamhere has stated, I take care to mind my own business and
let others set their own course. I have no expectations that my AH will drink or not
drink, the only expectations I have are for myself, that I live one day at a time and
work through the program everyday with my strong beliefs in my HP's guidance.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I know I have struggled a lot with this myself. Thanks to Al Anon I am getting a lot better with this. I used to pin all my hopes on my AH every time he told me he was going to quit drinking or even cut back. I would be so happy. So elated. Do everything I could to help him so that things went smoothly. And then when he started drinking again I would be so upset. Completely destroyed. And it was step one that helped me with this. realizing I was powerless over his drinking, over him, over alcohol was like a relief in a way. It gave me permission to stop focusing on it. To stop pinning all my hopes on his recovery. Now when he says those things I tell him that I really hope he does. I ask if I can do anything to assist him and then put the focus back on me. Before al anon I put all my trust, my hope, my confidence in my AH and other people. And I had none of it in myself. Now I am learning to trust myself and my decisions. I also trust my HP. I trust my AH for the things I know I can trust him for eg. to be a good father and take good care of our daughter. Because he has proven to be trustworthy over those things. But I no longer blindly trust every word that comes out of his mouth. That wasn't trust that was misplaced hope. And I have also learned to have compassion for my AH as well. He is someone living with a disease and coping the only way he knows how. I no longer feel that his expression of a desire to quit or cut back is a lie (I used to think that). I think he means it when he says it but just can't do it. And I am slowly starting to have some compassion for him when he doesn't succeed. That compassion feels better than the blinding rage and betrayal I used to feel every time he "failed" to recover. I've come to realize that his recovery isn't about me and as much as I want him to quit drinking for me he can't quit drinking for anyone but himself. I need to focus on me and let him focus on himself. That is a piece I am struggling with but slowly beginning to accept every single day. Wishing you all the best.
