The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am not even sure how to begin. I have an AH of 20 years. I always knew there was a problem, but chose to ignore it and try to make life as normal as possible for the kids. There have been some really, really bad times. Not surprising, things have gotten worse for all of us. His drinking problem has resulted in him not being steadily employed for 8 monthes and supposedly he hasn't had a drink in that time frame. He claims that was his rock bottom and has admitted he has a problem. He hasn't ever admitted that. I haven't seen him drink since, but not totally convinced. I know he is under a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety due to our finances, which isn't helping the matter. He occasionally meets with a family friend of ours who us in recovery himself and has attended some AA meetings. Again, not totally convinced. He is quite convincing.
He is on medication for his anxiety and was also prescribed Ativan. Not good for someone with an addictive personality. Most recently, I caught him with speed. He admitted that he has used it occasionally for only 3 monthes and sometimes he feels it's the only way to get through the day. He admits to messing up badly and affecting all of us negatively. He says he's ashamed of his actions. He claims he wants his family and doesn't want to be "that guy". He claims he will meet with his Dr about the depression/meds this week and continue with AA, but as you all know I just can't be 100% convinced of his sincerety. He recently confided in a close friend who called me to tell me that he thinks he is truly sincere and knows he is at risk of losing us.
I feel lIke I'm OUT of tears. This is causing me awful anxiety & I feel terrible for my poor children who are well aware of all of this. They just don't deserve this misery. I feel like he has lied about so many things and has been so manipulative. I feel like I don't even know the man that I love and yes, I do love him. It's devastating.
I plan to get involved with a local Alanon this week. I can see the importance of that. ANY advice would be so greatly appreciated tonight.
Glad to hear you are going to attend a face to face alanon meeting it is the best medicine to get out of the crazies. Believe it or not my behavior was far more out of control than my XAH's because I got there stone cold sober that is a fact. As I got better it became very apparent what was going on and as I got stronger I could start making decisions that worked better for my kids and I. Some people leave, some people stay .. both choices are very hard decisions and no one is going to tell you what to do. Leaving was the right decision for me there had been to much for me and I watched what it was doing to the kids. It was not ok.
Very honestly it doesn't matter if he is drinking or not drinking the reality is alanon is for you to get ok with where you are and remember that there was life before addiction came full force.
The best part is you don't have to make any decisions today about what you want to do for the future. The good news is there is help and relief .. you are not alone and it is a safe place to be, so please read, take what you like and follow the suggestions that have been tried and true to work. Alanon won't make him stop drinking .. it will make sense out of the insanity that is addiction.
Keep coming back,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
JL969803 - I too welcome you to MIP - so glad you found us and glad you shared. So sorry that the disease is affecting you and your family negatively - it's a powerful, progressive family disease - for which there is no cure but there is treatment and recovery.
AA is for the Alcoholic and Al-Anon is for the family member/friends of the alcoholic. Both programs are based on 12 Steps and both suggest that recovery is a personal journey. We all progress as we see fit, there is no time-frame or time-table. So glad to hear that you intend to try a meeting this coming week - we do suggest that you try to make at least 6 before you decide if you will benefit from the Al-Anon program. For me, the first location I went to was good but it was a huge group. I tried a different/second group and it was a little smaller and more intimate. I made the 2nd group my home group - so look for where you feel comfortable.
This disease can suck the life out of us and our thinking, actions and reactions become very distorted from who we are. For me, the program and my sponsor helped me realign with my core values and my truth. I have been able to let go of the anger, the resentments, the past and I no longer do too much projecting for the future - I live in the day, which the program teaches, which is manageable...
My best suggestions for now until you get to a meeting - breathe, be kind to yourself and be gentle with yourself. Know that you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Whether he is or is not working on recovery, just for today, try to not think about or worry about. If you have an hour - 1.5, sit in on a meeting here - see top left for meeting times and the link to the meeting room. Keep in your head and heart that you are not alone and we're just a post away. Living with this disease can be a nightmare, but you can recover and find peace by staying on your side of the street!
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Howdy. You are never going to know for sure what he will do. That is why alanon and the one day at a time approach works for loved ones of alcoholics too. I kind of look at alanon as an anchor in stormy seas. The waters may quiet down, or they may not, but it will always be there for you to keep you from sinking. Alcoholics and addicts don't usually have a purposeful plan to lie and screw up everything. They are sick people. That doesn't mean that you endlessly support or put up with the drama either. Alanon will give you clarity, support, and tools for living with this disease and for detaching from it whatever that winds up meaning down the road. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 27th of December 2015 10:06:19 PM
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and welcome to the MIP board. You are family now and this is one of the places family is at. We know what you are going thru and how the disease works and many of us have learned very valuable life tools to gain peace of mind and serenity whether the alcoholic or addict is still drinking and using or not. They are sick people...no bad people and it is okay to love sick people. It is good you found your way here. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and often that because we help it to get worse. We are a part of the problem until we learn how not to be. I feel excited for newbies because as they learn they become miracles and miracles are magic. What was suggested to me when I first found the program was meetings, meetings, meetings and get a home group along with a sponsor and along with Al-Anon recovery literature. Get your Higher Power and stick close....a god of your understanding. Practice the steps and traditions and find someone else to support also. Of course keep coming back often. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome JL! I'm so glad you found us here. Please keeping coming back. It helps ALL of us. All great replies to your situation. Mine most match SerenityRUS. I won't repeat it here. Alanon and the 12 Steps will provide you with clarity, perspective and direction. Be patience and turn the focus from him to you. Get well and the answer will become clear.
