Things are not going smoothly at the moment and again boring boring details .. LOL .. I'm so detailed and yet I bore myself at the moment if that's not saying something I don't know what is.  I self sabotage at a rate that boggles the mind, .. at the same time thins are not all bad, for that I am grateful.

I'm reading some material outside of Alanon and it is about attitude adjustments, really about changing perception that I'm sure we can all relate to, the saying "I have to" .. I have to go to work, I have to raise my kids as a single parent, I have to be the responsible adult (that's a big giant BLAH!!! Even at my age .. LOL).  I went to lunch with a couple guys from work .. I know right .. me, the wanton woman that I am (for those who know me .. LOL!!), we have had a LOT of drama going on and they were looking for a partner in it. So part of my reading came up in discussion and they were sitting there looking dumbfounded to which the older of the two looked at me and said ok fun sucker .. you just completely killed every thing I was going to say and that's why you are such an asset to our group.  I had to laugh.  We were talking about the "I have to" and the flip side to that statement is "I get to" or even "I choose to".  For those who know accountants they are truly a different breed and I tease them all the time that if they are super accountants I am the anti accountant .. kind of like the anti hero of a story.  I shared with them where I was at .. what I saw and I totally understood why they were fearful and scared right now .. I'm right there with them.  It became a debate of semantics which living with an A and manipulating parent I'm a pro at .. so after a while they were completely frustrated with me and finally said I think we are talking semantics and I agreed .. yes .. we are and I get what you are saying however you are not hearing what I'm saying .. bottom line .. it's not your business.  Yes, the shocked look I got from both of them was priceless and I let them know I know that statement is pretty bold and it probably elicits some anger.  Seriously .. who works what is not your business and as you are not the boss.  The environment has become very toxic and honestly the CFO likes it that way which is sad .. however since he's the boss it is what it is at this point.  I choose not to participate because I know that's the game being played it's such an environment of distrust and anxiety that it makes me very sad to watch people tear each other down and apart.  Honestly I choose not to play in the dysfunction so he can "win" what is he winning?  My respect?  My trust? Maybe I won't have a job .. I don't know, you know if I found this one I will find another one and I will be ok.  I am going to stay as long as I can at this point.  So at that point we were talking about the have to's and changing that attitude to "I get to".  I get to get up and go to work.  I get to raise two totally terrific kids.  I get to make each day the best I can.  I get to work with really amazing people who help me look at life with a different perception.  I get to do a job I love.  If that means I have to deal with a jerk for 2 hours out of the week so be it.  I can do that .. because the other 38 hours I get to work/play with people who are really terrific.  With that they both looked at me and pretty much called me a fun sucker as the story started .. lol.  I'm ok with that title in this situation.  One of them looked at me with sheer frustration and started laughing .. well geeze when you put I that way .. I guess it's really not that bad .. although he reverted back to his original complaint I stopped him again and said .. my friend NOT your business.  You make the rules when you are the boss.  Complaining about them and throwing someone else under the bus will not change the current situation.  I pray that the dust will settle quickly and things can at least start to be more positive.  I had to make the same statement to the assistant controller who was texting me in an inappropriate way about work and I shut her down as well, with the same comments this is not my business and I do not agree with how things are moving forward it's not my say.  I can only hope and pray that things will settle down and be ok.  I'm not going to sit and obsess over things I can't control. 

So back to my dancing girl picture .. I asked someone to hang a picture for me and it's a dancing girl from the bar saloon days and I love the picture big time.  Anyway, my co-worker that I had lunch with had come back to my cave and seen the picture started laughing and said oh so we are now hanging selfies in our offices?  I laughed and said oh ok .. he laughed and said seriously it fits you.  So that made me giggle a lot and as I looked at the picture I was very envious of how free this woman appeared in the picture .. I hope that is the vibe I give.  She looked like she was loving what she did. 

Always be the dancing girl ..

Hugs S :)