The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I like reading through forums. I feel much similar issues. I am so confused right now, My AH and I have many children together, he comes home almost drunk every night only to finish off till he fall asleep sitting up then wakes between 2-4 am to grab another beer. It is very strong IPA beers that he likes and he has at least ten a day that I know of. I have left him for almost 6 months for the first half of this year, but returned. Nothing changed as he said would when I came back with our children, and It seems worse now. It was so very hard to go when I did, but lately I have told him I can not stay with him like this, and it sounds from the forums that I shouldn't say that. Maybe I just need to plan how to go, but I truly love him. I don' t want him to keep hurting himself and us, his health worries me. I seriously feel trapped right now though. Also, financially I can not leave now, but wonder If I should start planning how to go and just provide for myself and children.
I love him dearly, its so hard to see this disease destroy our family and how badly it must be destroying himself inside. We met at age 14 and its nearing 30 years into our relationship. I don't know how to be with out him again, but it was almost refreshing being gone for the first half of this year. He also is ruining our whole household finances because the cost of his bar stops and expensive brand beers, that none are in our budget. He feels he deserves to drink because he works a FT job outside the house. Everything around my house is falling apart, and I don't want to loose him, but ...
Maybe it is it wrong of me to shut him out of my room and insist he do not touch me when he's been drinking (which is like daily, up to most high levels) I seriously can't stand him like that, It is repulsive. On occasion a few times a month lately I have entertained a few drinks... then its been easier to be in his presence, but I prefer being sober and focused on health, yoga and meditation. I would rather there be no alcohol in my house. It gives my whole house of kids anxiety when he starts yelling and blaming and slamming things around so It all turns to loud arguing when I insist he stops.
Lately it starts right when he walks in from work. He Always has to make his point the only point and to me he rarely makes sense and is mean, loud, and judgmental. When he tries to converse with me, I can't and have been asking him to go to other room and leave me alone. And he always wants to touch me like I am supposed to reassure him that being Drunk is okay. I don't want to enable him, and it makes me so angry that he chooses alcohol over us. I am so trapped and confused and scared/worried for his health and my family structure. And worried how he blames and uses alcohol to hide from his own stresses. I wish he realized the alcohol will take no weight off our shoulders, and will place distance between us that we may never get back. I feel animosity towards him for him letting his use become so severely dangerous. I am scared to be unsure about our future.
Hope, all i can say is you are not alone and what you are describing is really pretty standard for what happens in a marriage with an alcoholic. Hope you can get to some meeting soon with others who understand.
HopeForJoy - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared.
I agree - meetings is the door opening for change/recovery of those who love an Alcoholic. This disease is considered a family disease, so it will affect everyone around the alcoholic. If they choose recovery, they go to AA - we are blessed to have our program, which is Al-Anon.
Recovery for us means learning how to be happy, joyous and free no matter what they are or are not doing. We focus on ourselves, and what we can change. We work the steps, and use the literature and slogans to live one day at a time. It's been a huge gift to me/my life and I'm very grateful I chose recovery when I did.
Keep coming back and know that you are not alone. Nobody understands our dilemma like another who is walking the path so the fellowship and support are beyond awesome!
(((Hugs))) to you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome and hope you will keep coming back. Some people stay, some people leave ... the best part about the program is no one is going to tell you what to do.
All of the confusion and frustration you are not alone in this at all. I came to alanon thinking my story was unique and different, come to find out that while the situations may be different and sometimes similar the core emotions were the same and difficult to process. Meetings help because in all of this the reason I felt different was the isolation I had imposed upon myself and even the kids. It is different now.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I just want to welcome you. Hope you'll keep coming back to continue recovering with us. If you can find an in person Alanon meeting near your home, the support at face to face Alanon meeting is incomparable. If you click on the blue lettering "Real" Alanon Meeting Directory, you'll find meetings in the U.S. There are also recovery meetings here at this site twice a day which can be helpful if you're unable, not ready or choose not to attend in person meetings. If you have young children, some meetings offer childcare while you are attending the meeting.
It's suggested in Alanon that a person not make any drastic changes in their life until they've been attending Alanon at least six months unless you and your children are living in a violent situation then the suggestion to wait is not suggested.
I can understand that you feel very torn about what to do next. At one time in a situation of dependence on a husband who was progressing in his alcohol and drug usage, I was very scared, not confident in my ability to take care of myself and make it out in the world. I also loved him. The Alanon program, meeting, an Alanon sponsor and faith helped with finding answers concerning my own life and marriage.
We don't give advise in Alanon. You can expect understanding and support at in person Alanon meetings. If you choose to continue to recovery in this program for family members and friends of alcoholics, you may find similiarities between your own living situation and others. With that said, each person's own journey is unique. No one has a right to "should" on you concerning your choices. Particularly, in reference to marriage; the choice to continue it or end it is personal to the two who made the commitment.
From my experience attending the Alanon meetings helped me to start making positive changes one day at a time toward taking responsibility for myself. I had been very dependent on someone who wasn't even capable of taking care of themself. I found it a bit startling in early Alanon recovery to learn my own motivations for allow another human being so much power over my well-being. The journey to learning to be responsible has been a worthwhile one for me. It's mean't putting trust in a power greater than any one person including myself - a god of my understanding who is always present and caring for me. I have greater trust in my abilities from trying new behaviors and risking to make decisions and growing from the lessons. Of course I couldn't find the courage to try any of this until things just got to the point in my home where I simply couldn't stand it any longer. I'm glad today that it was the catalyst to cause me to act on my own behalf. I have continued to come back to Alanon ever since.
I wish you the best as you weigh your circumstances and choices. Maybe you'll choose to "keep coming back." Thank you for sharing. Happy and healthy new year to you and your family. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hopeforjoy nobody can tell you what to do with
Your marriage that is a very personal decision for
Anyone to make.
I had two therapist who told me to leave him, i
stayed and stood my ground. It did not get much
better. I got better though and was strong enough
now to No Longer be a doormat anymore. He was the
One that moved out until the divorce was finalized.
Ftf meetings are the way to go to start your own
recovery Journey.
I cried when I read your post because like you I am new here, and now understand that the stories and emotions are the same. I see myself in your story with periodic separations when the kids were young, my spouse returning only to find that history continued to repeat itself. I have been too proud and private to seek help. The last time I left my youngest was 7 years old. She is now 26. My children have issue's that I am sure are a result of the constant stress and fighting that took place in our home. They carry anger towards myself and my husband for putting them through this anguish. We were a regular middle class working family. I want to tell you that your decisions are your own. I unfortunately am living with too many regrets for staying and not being strong enough to do it on my own. I love the person I knew before the alcohol abuse. After 30 years of marriage I am now recognizing he left me long ago although we still live in the same home. I am very broken, lonely, and lost and am convinced of my worthlessness. Please dear look after yourself and your children. My A has never accepted any responsibility for his illness.
Welcome Newbleaswell I am so happy that you had the courage to share your thoughts and deep feelings. i assure you that you are not alone nor are you worthless.
There is hope . I found this hope in the room of alanon meetings. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number in the white pages.
I urge you to search them out and attend It is here I found the support, understanding and acceptance I so desperately needed. Developing new tools to live by, my self esteem was restored and I relearned how to validate myself while being supportive of others Please keep coming back.
Newbieaswell - I too welcome you to MIP.....so very glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share!
Alcoholism is a family disease - it affects us just as much as it affects them. We 'wear' it differently, but you are worthy of happiness, joy and serenity.
Please consider attending some Al-Anon meetings to get a feel for the support that is available to you. You are not alone and you can be restored to fullness with a program of recovery.
We have meetings here too - twice daily. See the top left for the schedule and for the link to the meeting room.
I really related to your share about 'he left the marriage a long time ago'. That aligns with my story and I have two adult children who also resent me and my AH for the drama/chaos they have lived through.
Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
