The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been growing concerned about my husband's increased use of alcohol and smoking. i feel responsible for protecting our children, his parents, my parents, friends etc.
i can often just forgive the inappropriate behavior and move on trying to normalize things. But it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me.
his family doesn't have much if any addiction history but mine is a different story. both of my parents were children of alcholics. My dad's uncle died from the disease, his father was a very heavy drinker, his sister almost drank herself to death until they got her into teen challenge and my dad starting drinking in my 20s but is niw in recovery.
i know I'm enabling him but I don't know what to do or how to do it without my world crumbling and I've tried so hard to keep it together. I know he's self medicating for anxiety and depression. what I don't know is how to help him, and myself. I want to protect my kids but the teenager is onto him. The secrecy makes me crazy. I don't like hiding things from my children.
last night we had his familys Christmas celebration and we all had a few drinks, played games etc. after most of his large family headed home, one sister and his brother stayed and we all just visited. Hubs was hilarious as usual and everyone laughing but as the rest of the guests left, his behavior became increasingly annoying - acting like a teenager, then becoming more and more sloppy. He was a mess but thankfully everyone had gone to bed.
I found him the closet in the middle of the night sleeping on the floor. What the hell? I feel like I'm living in bizarro land.
im praying for some guidance and some wisdom because I adore my husband. He's loving and a sweet man.
Welcome Irishmama As you know alcoholism is a deadful chronic disease that can be arrested but never cured. You did not cause it , cannot control it. and cannot cure it. In other words we are powerless over the diseae.
Living with the insanity of the disease we develop negative coping tools that do not work. Alanon is a recovery program for family members that was establshed by the wife of the founder of AA when she discovered that even when he was sober she was stiil filled with anger, resentment and fear. Alanon holds face to face meetings in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.
It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, stop reacting to the insanity and to respond with constructive actions and words.
Thank you. I just feel so alone and need help to get through this. I'm looking into going to meetings locally but I'm afraid to run into someone who knows my family. Sigh.
It is understandable but be assured that Meetings have a tradition that:" who we see there, what we hear there remains in the meeting rooms." That is why they are anonymous. In addition there is no need to speak You can simply sit and listen to learn. I did that for over year . There is hope and help
Please keep coming back here and if you feel more comfortabe you can try the on line meetings here held in the chat room 2xs a day.
Ishishmama - I too welcome you to MIP! Glad you found us and glad you found your courage to share!
Meetings, program, fellowship and the suggestions from others who understand saved 'my bacon'.....I no longer even contemplate where I would be had I not found Al-Anon and recovery when I did. You are not alone and we're just a post away.
Going to your first meeting and local meetings can be frightening. However, the fear often dissipates as soon as you realize that every family has something going on and everyone is looking to heal from 'it' - whatever 'it' may be!
(((Hugs))) to you - keep coming back here and try a meeting/two online! They're awesome as well!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Irishmama. I could have written your post practically word for word - maybe I have already.
I feel pretty new to this too, but I did walk in to my first face to face meeting almost 4 years ago. I've been going on and off since and doing a lot of reading and talking to other program people to help keep my mind in a productive state. About a month or so ago I began to get very active in my program - sharing at meetings for the first time, getting a sponsor, etc... It took me awhile to feel comfortable with the meetings but I have always gotten something from them. I have run into people I know there - we smile at each other, nothing else needs to be said.
My husband also uses alcohol to self medicate anxiety, depression, PTSD from childhood crap. He likes to be really social and the drinking has always been a part of that. Reading your post I realized that for the past several years, my husband is no longer funny and charming but goes straight to the sloppy mess. Finding him on the floor in the closet, in the family room, in the backyard in the bushes...
The past few months have really demonstrated to me what they say about this disease - it is progressive. I never really got that part till recently, just thought "ok, this isn't great, but it's sort of tolerable as long as I ignore x, y, or z" forgetting completely that it would get worse and worse. And it did.
The kids - mine are 15, 12 and 10. Hiding from them didn't work in our house. Maybe for awhile. But it was so confusing and unsettling to them. I chose not to cover up or hide anything. Some might say the 10-year old is too young to hear about this stuff, but when she comes to me with concerns like "what if dad gets drunk at my Christmas caroling party and makes my friends uncomfortable"I decided she needs to hear some truth. I have been educating them on a level they can understand - about it being a *disease* to allow them to not hate him but hate the disease (my 12 year old son has a lot of anger right now), about the three Cs (we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it), and a little bit about setting boundaries (that's a tough one for even adults).
I echo others' comments here to try to get to a face to face meeting, and take part here on MIP. I applaud you for your courage to share. You are definitely not alone.
