The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been able to post in a very long time. At least 18 months. Not sure why I'm avoiding it. I think its got a little bit to do with my being an empath. That means I feel the pain of others in a deep and literal sense. Between the tremendous amount of pain I sense here, and read in the words you write, and then the world we live in which is truly a very painful place with war, mass killings, animal abuse, child trauma at the hands of parents, refuges running from their war torn countries, a horrifying political system, etc, etc, etc...
And then there is me. A man who has been licking emotional wound after wound for a few years now. Cheating ex wife, divorce, shutting down 3 recovery houses I founded and loved due to changes in the economy that made it impossible to support them the way they needed. Falling for a woman I later discovered is a chronic relapser and was standing at death's door, and that relationship having to be brought to a end, (she has 2 years sober now), bringing my 36 yr old son to North Carolina from Texas to get him help with his alcoholism, only to see that plan go down the drain and see him end up in prison here because of his alcoholism. (which is a story onto itself that for me is a bit painful). And now we land on the holiday season....
Only family around me is my son. An alcoholic. Couldn't spend Christmas eve with him because he started indulging in his drinking early in the day and I have no interest or desire to have someone under the influence in my home, nor do I wish to entertain a drunk person. So, our christmas eve plan got canceled. Then Christmas day, he was too hung over to join me for a dinner.
Now I will go one step further with what is going on. I never had an anxiety attack in my life, rarely even experienced anxiety in general. However, I believe that a lot of what I have been absorbing emotionally, from my personal life as well as that which i get from others by being empathic has placed a overload on my emotional center and its releasing or expressing itself in very severe anxiety attacks. Now I have been struggling with them for the past 4 years. I experience several a week, sometimes every day, with varying levels of intensity. I am learning how to get through them quicker, or at least be able to function around them to the degree that I possibly can. Depression lingers over me 24/7/365. Sometimes relatively mild, other days very intensely. And for the most part, I have been just going through the motions of getting through a day, from one to the next the best I can without allowing it to interfere with my daily life to the degree I can manage that.
Now, I did have a very good Christmas day all things considered. Here is what I wrote on Facebook about it.
I got to share this... today, after finding out that Christmas was forfeited by a dear loved one, my son (who elected to stay in bed for the day), I thought I would just concede to eating by myself in a restaurant somewhere and put the question out there if someone knows where one might be open... then God answered. I got a call from a dear friend in the program, who invited me to eat with her and her husband, and then came a call from my sponsor who invited me to his home. So, I headed out the door, and spent several beautiful hours with families that celebrate together with food, laughter, love, and unity. Now I won't go into the roast, or honey dipped ham, or all the side dressings, that were so darn delicious, but I will say this, I got full. Full with spirit, full with love, full with joy, and topped off with a large dose of gratitude. Today I am full. Thank you God
Seems this program is what I have to hold on to when all else seems to be taking a toll on me. yet, when I am in this condition, mentally, emotionally, spiritually as well as physically, I just don't feel I have anything left in me to offer any one else, and the best thing I can do is just try to practice some level of self care, work on one recovery behavior, review one step, talk to another Al-Anon or AA member, read a little recovery literature and pray... and that is what keeps me going most days.
John
-- Edited by John on Sunday 27th of December 2015 12:13:43 AM
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
(((John)))Thanks for sharing with such honesty and trust. I agree that taking care of yourself, by using program tools is the best you can do at the moment. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
(((John))) - huge hugs to you...life certainly seems to throw curve balls often one right after another. I am one that does believe we aren't given more than we can handle. There have been times in the last 10 years that this phrase really made me mad as I wasn't so sure, but by doing that which these programs have taught me, each one has passed. I can't fully say I am a better person nor will I say I am grateful for the pain, but they did pass and by the grace of these programs and God, I survived - when I did not think I would and seriously wondered about a lasting effect.
I am sorry that you're facing and have faced many curve balls recently. I had panic attacks for a while, and it was unexpected, frightening and took away my ability to drive for a while. I was afraid it would happen when I was driving and mine were so bad that I would either hyperventilate or pass out at times. What I believe is they were a wake-up call for me regarding my self-care of lack of. I really changed my physical habits, eating habits, program habits and they've passed/stopped for me....if I could tell you what I did that helped that, I would - but I don't truly know.
Keep finding your peace and gratitude each day any way you can, whatever it takes. Know that we are all here for you and I'll send prayers and positive thoughts your way.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thank you so much Betty for your words and all you do here on this board, Iamhere, wow... you described my anxiety attacks to a T. I mean exactly. I once had to pull my car off a main street here, and call 911 for a ambulance to hospital. I have copd, emphysema and when I started hyperventilating due to the anxiety attack, I could not get my breath back at all, I became very light headed and passed out on side of the street for a few moments. When I came to, I just called 911. This was about a year ago. Haven't had any while driving since, but when I have them, yes, hyperventilation is a part of it, and with the copd, thinking I am not going to be able to catch my breath, increases the level of the anxiety.
All I know is that not watching so much news, which is ever good stuff, not indulging in Human Society commercials of abused animals, or commercials of starving children, etc. and moving away from movies that are action packed, foul language, blood and guts, explosions/violence, and towards more comedy, documentaries, spiritual content in what i watch has seems to take a little bit of the load off my emotional center. So, while I am still working on some of those life style changes that I hope will make a difference, I accept that I am still human, and will push the limits, until the pain gets bad enough to encourage more change. I am a hard head.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
John - I agree that the anxiety from a panic attack just multiplies all the symptoms and fears. One other thing I do that I started a few years ago is I switched over from Rock & Roll (life long rocker) to Christian Music. There is an almost immediate calming affect for me when I get in the car and it comes on or when I put on my earbuds and switch on.....it's made a huge difference for me in attitude and spiritual balance.
Love the things you suggested too. I am a news watcher, but I do screen what I focus on. It's not easy - our media today chases the gory headlines. Hang in there and know we are here for you!
And....I agree 1000% - where would we be without Betty?!?!?! Grateful for this lovely home, this marvelous family and our Betty who is the glue that keeps us together!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
John, it is very good to hear from you and am so sorry for the reasons you had to post. Very happy, though that you had a great Christmas Day!! I do empathize with you and am feeling the same overload feelings that you expressed. Prayers coming your way and say them everyday for all my MIP friends.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I hear you John, i have suffered from recent trauma
And it takes hold of your soul until you can finally start
to Relax, feel safe and secure and not be around any
Ongoing abuse.
I did What i was suppose to and did not force anything
More than i was ready for and I am starting to feel it lift.
My depression is still lingering though. I kept myself like
an island Safe from any invaders.
I have recently started playing meditation music to calm
Me down emotionally and mentally. I just need to heal on
The inside And it takes time and patience. Just because
its can not be seen Does not mean you do not have open
gaping wounds on the inside that need to be healed.
I am helping God do his work on me, one day to a time.
John, I feel you. Had my own struggles with anxiety and still do. Don't forget that this here is a wonderful legacy you have created. Let MIP help you as much as it has helped others. Keep trudging.
So at the closing of this mornings AA meeting where I volunteered to read my voice and speech slowed and got quiet as I recognized it reacting to powerlessness and knowing that I was sitting with brothers and sisters in recovery I let the process proceed to silence as they abided with me. God Is...my meditation reminded me that I was not alone and "this too will pass" and it did. Admitting I am powerless absolves me of my defects of character lodged in my ego (easing God out...right?) including which suggest that I ought never feel less than. I sensed a bit of shame ....a very little bit. ((((hugs))))
It's nice to have you come here and give a update on YOU. I will say that you will be in my prayers along with your son and I'm am going to say what we say to everyone.
KEEP coming back because you are not alone and there are many good people here that can help....
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
"I got full. Full with spirit, full with love, full with joy, and topped off with a large dose of gratitude. Today I am full. Thank you God "
This is absolutely beautiful. I hope that as you continue to heal, you continue to have this vision for yourself. If you can see the glass as half full, you have learned to find peace in the storm - even if you have to talk yourself into it. That still counts.
