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Ok, everyone. I just need to pour out my pain for my son so please bear with me. He is really struggling. Every time he comes home from my XAH's house, he seems more emotional and confused and angry. His dad isn't just an alcoholic, he's also very negative and keeps the news on 24/7 and rants and raves about the world coming to an end and he basically strikes fear into my son. My son said he's afraid for humanity and for his own future because of the things his father says.
He also feels responsible for making sure his dad wakes up in the AM and for taking care of him after a binge. There's a lot more but you all get the gist. He said he feels like he's taken my place. I told him he needs to set some boundaries with his father and I suggested that the two of them go back to his counselor and meet together for a family meeting so that he has a third party there to listen and provide suggestions. He seemed receptive to this. I also told him he can stay at my house every day from now on, that he doesn't have to stay at dad's, but he says he feels sorry for his father and that he knows dad gets lonely, etc. So, enter in the enabling and rescuing behavior, right?
I know I can't turn back the hands of time, but I hate watching my son suffer. I wish I had left 15 years ago. I take him to meetings sometimes but he hasn't really been receptive to it. I also gave him a few numbers of some younger guys in program that he can call and told these men that my son may call them. He hasn't used that resource yet, either.
So, despite the fact that MY life is going well and that I am happy I made the changes I made for me, I am struggling to help my son and getting my XAH on board with counseling and stuff like that is difficult at best because he claims it makes him feel like a monster when our son wants to discuss HIM with the counselor. UGH!!! God help me because I am feeling like my hands are tied. I hate this.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((andromeda))) - huge hugs for you - so very sorry that you are witness to your son's pain. My best suggestion is to keep offering professional assistance....my sons learned how not to cope with life from my AH, and I did all I could to redirect, gives choices, show other ways, etc. They were not ever receptive to the professional assistance, but both have referred back to something they heard or were told during that phase even when they did not actively participate.
In my world, we have Al-a-Teen too. Beyond that, I talk program to mine when possible as it's a neutral way to tell them there is a different way, they are not responsible, they can not cure it nor can they control it. It's because he loves his father that he's feeling accountable to him. His heart is in the right place, he's just not fully learned what love truly means.
Be there for him as best you can - as a neutral person and a parent. That's what I did over and over and over again. I constantly reminded mine that he was not bad, but sick. His 'different way' of thinking was a by-product of the disease, which also affected his attitude, outlook, actions & reactions.
My hope is others will also have and share ESH! Prayers for you and your son. What helps me more than anything when my kids are in pain or distress is holding onto what I've heard/learned in program - God doesn't have grandchildren! His will prevails over mine, even for my own kids!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
UGH .. Hugs .. and this is the biggest reason I'm sooo glad we moved, I know this is not the answer for everyone.
My only thoughts about counseling is this, I have never had a successful therapy appointment with my XAH while he was actively drinking. The biggest issue being you have to really get rigorously honest and unfortunately an active A be it thinking or drinking is not usually going to respond to someone asking them to be honest. It becomes semantics. It becomes I don't do that .. that never happened and so on. I suggested to the kids and their dad that they go to therapy and both sides completely shot me down and the therapist asked me what the hell I was thinking .. lol .. I miss her. Her thing was S .. how do you expect this to be productive because in all honesty it will only do more damage. When I stepped back .. she's right .. the denial, blame and so on that he would have laid at my feet and the kids feet would have been so unfair .. he still tries to do that and seriously speaking they just shake their head and say whatever.
I have really pushed the idea of personal responsibility .. we all do the best we can some people do it better than others on that regard. Still everyone is responsible for their own actions and consequences of those actions.
He has a new enabler and she's welcome to the job .. unfortunately for the kids he's just kind of pretending that part of his life never happened and they react to his actions and attitudes towards them. They are not interested in him at this point so I don't have the caretaking issue going on .. there is a definite fracture in the relationship. The kids and I have had dialog about this because I am not good at relationships, they know this big time and I think they understand .. I am open and honest about why I have severed some of the family ties. My oldest is pretty solid with things because she remembers a lot of the difficulties we went through with her dad .. my youngest remembers however he's so much like me .. poor kiddo. lol.
I am not sorry that the kids do not have a relationship with their dad at this point it would cause a lot more anger and confusion for them. Their dad still lies and still doesn't accept responsibility and tries to pretend the last 4 years has never happened. I don't work like that at all .. I have no desire to live in the past .. you can't live in the present if your past is constantly slamming into your present either.
Counseling with an active drunk? I don't know .. I would talk to a therapist about that and honestly your X will have to agree, there was no way my X was going to go into counseling and deal with the truth on any level.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Betty, no, he does not have to live there. He's 17 and I feel that I can't force him to stay with me. Usually, I just give him the option of staying with me but there are times, like last week, where he had a dermatologist appointment early and an orthodontist emergency appointment and he needed his dad to drive him since I am always at work. My XAH will insist that he stay over at his place the night prior. And, honestly, I don't want my kid taking Uber to doctor appointments because he is not 18 yet and is not the one responsible for his health care and he needs his dad's insurance card and signature, etc.
Anyway, as for the counseling. I don't want XAH to actually GET counseling with my son. My son just wants to tell his father a few things and he said he'd feel more comfortable with a third party there to help shut up my XAH and keep him in line and somewhat receptive. He feels that he'll just get run over verbally if he makes any requests of his father in the home, which is probably true.
And, yesterday, my son tried to call and text his dad but hadn't heard back from him all day. It's just sad that a parent can't respond to their child. And, then even I fall into the fear mode of wondering if he's OK and if he's alive, etc.
I hate this disease......
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
