Well I was on the phone with my A last night.

I have spent the last five weeks or so working through the depression of being alone again, trying to find some zest for life again.

I started to feel stronger this week, as per my latest posts, but now I realize something!

I am angry! The only reason I felt like I was getting through this is because I knew that I didn't feel so awful sad anymore, but now I realized that it's because I am getting a bit mad. This all came out last night.

We were talking about his business start up and how that is going, and I made some snide remarks about him not attempting to get any help with alcoholism. Talk about turning the conversation around! I ended up raising my voice at him a couple of times. He says he is too busy and no transportation to go to a meeting etc. and that is why he is not going. I said,"I am raising two kids, doing all the housework by MYSELF, working part time, going to school full time, writing my thesis dissertation and had to deal with throwing a bridal shower, buying clothes for her wedding for me and my two girls, and helping with the wedding, and I STILL find an hour a day to work on my own recovery! What is he doing that keeps his hands tied so much that his recovery is so far down on the list???

Ahhhhhhh! I was mad because I expected him to seek help when I kicked him out. He then told me that I 'threw him away', sucks to be me! That I 'lost the faith' tsk tsk. I said HOW many times do I have to watch someone drown themselves in a mud puddle before I can say, that's enough? Isn't six years long enough to 'have the faith'? How long was I supposed to keep it up? After being seperated for a year, and then working so hard to get it back together, just to be kicked in pants again, (three times in the month before he left), how much was I supposed to be 'faithful' and 'stick with it'?

I recognized that this was sickness coming out of his mouth, and mine as well. I advised him calmly that he could look AA up in the phone book, and that they are a support group, he could call his local chapter and state that he needs help getting to meetings and they may be able to help him. I left him with that. He will have to make that call when he is ready, but at least now he knows how. I told him that I kind of feel like we are fighting, so I wanted to go now, and hung up.

I pray he picks up that phone and reaches out, and pray that I can let go of his recovery and stop thinking that his commitment to recovery is a commitment to me.

I think I won't be talking to him for a bit. I need to breathe a while and have some space. Getting too involved and need to detach. Sigh

Sweetums