The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this... I am a chemically dependent person with four years of sobriety, currently (yahoo!). I'm one of three children; my two sisters and I are grown now (in our 30's), but we were raised by two alcoholic parents. Our father is deceased, but our mother is still alive, still drinking and using, and currently has no contact with any of her kids, her grandkids, etc.
My mother frequently writes us letters citing her active involvement in Al-Anon, and how all of the current relationship difficulties in our family stem from HER being married to an alcoholic, and from HER struggles with alcoholic children. While I agree wholeheartedly that the drinking/using of my father (and by me!) caused a ton of pain and problems -- and while I also agree that Al-Anon is an invaluable tool to help people whose family members are chemically dependent, just like me -- my mother has repeatedly ignored requests to address problems that she has brought to the table. She has made many poor decisions, often risking my children's well-being (this is why I have no contact with her now, for repeated offenses and her "inability" to see how her actions were completely out-of-line). Anyway, I am tired of her "reaching out" to us, professing all of the "progress" she's making when she really isn't making any. How can an alcoholic really make that much progress when they are still binge drinking? For every sappy letter I get, I get a BITCHY email, a few weeks later... Anyway, I am wondering how I should reply to her. It isn't my place to "make" her say she's an alcoholic, but it's like she's having a one-sided conversation with herself about how she's so hurt over the estrangements, yet she doesn't want to acknowledge WHY we cannot be around her...
We don't give advice in Alanon but we do share based on our own experience. Although experiences of people in 12 step programs have similiarities, we all have our individual histories and family dynamics. With that said, from personal experience I have tried to practice consistent boundaries when responding regardless of the relationship of the person to me and myself to them. Sometimes not responding is the best response for the sake of practicing self care. When at all possible, I like to take a breath and be sure that I'm responding vs reacting to what's been said to me. If I choose to respond, the slogan THINK has helped me. Are the words I'm about to use thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind. If I'm feeling worked up over what's been said, I need to wait before responding because I want my response to be real but as a program person if it fueled by resentment, I need to work this out within myself so I can respond in a civil way.
Ultimately, the finger is always pointed inwarding for me as a person working a 12 step program. This doesn't mean that I'm in denial about being acted upon at times. It means that my job is working my own program of recovery, looking at my own spiritual condition (pride, humility, compassion for others, relationship with my hp) and trying to take the next right action with the guidance of my hp.
Whatever your relationship with your mother and hers to her children, these are relationships that are important to all of us. Whether we choose to participate in them or not, we still can at times "compare and despair." Our expectations can cause a lot of misery making. Personally, I need to hit more meetings at this time of the year to stay sane. Family members who don't want to be family the rest of the year, suddenly want to be family lol
But every meeting I attend I receive a great holiday gift - the priceless gift of serenity.
Best wishes for continued sobriety and sanity. Mom is a work in progress as we all are. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Welcome Stephenie Congrats on your continued recovery. Alanon is a program of recovery for family members and the tools are available to all. We do need to pick them up and use them to search out our own defects and eliminate them. Talking about the tools is not recovery It sounds as if mom maybe doing just that. I urge you to search out a few alanon meeting yourself and attend. There is hope and help
"If I choose to respond, the slogan THINK has helped me. Are the words I'm about to use thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind. "
Oh, yes! Very much this! I have an ex who likes to make contact and stir the pot when he gets bored. Most of the time, I can keep enough emotional distance to respond this way. My rules are that I keep myself calm and respond honestly. I don't let him lie about what he is- I call him on his bs but I keep it firm and polite. To me, the boundary is to be friendly but not friends.
I like to communicate with him via text and email (we have to stay in touch because we have a son) because verbal conversations can spiral out of control too quickly. Text and email give me a chance to read, identify his attempts to hook me emotionally, compose myself and my response, and maintain my emotional detachment. The last time he texted, he did manage to get under my skin. I made a few antagonistic responses, but I stopped responding altogether when I realized what was happening. I immediately went to our mutual contacts and explained to them that I would be taking a little break from talking to or about him. I told them I needed to get him out of my head for a little while. I spent the next day re-reading the conversation, analyzing it, because I wanted to figure out WHY he hooked me and address the issue within myself before I tried to communicate with him again.
It is important for me to remember my behavioral history under the circumstances with the person. If I have been easily "hooked" I need to know that and keep my program ready to use to keep me safe and secure. I used my history to help me decide if I want to participate and how and what consequence I desire when I do. That has worked for me up to the moment and as it works I work it without exception as to who I am working it with and the conditions I need. I haven't allowed certain people extended courtesies at the cost of my peace of mind and serenity. My sponsor gave me a special slogan which I carry daily..."When in doubt....Don'T" which is very easy to remember and keep close to my heart as his name is Don T. Diversions are just that tactics...they are not real and are not honest and are often used to manipulate and control. Keeping that in mind I rarely participate. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP Stephanie - glad you found us and glad you are here....
I have some estrangement within my immediate family and it brings me sadness. I have done as much as I know to do to try and repair those relationships and they are still very strained. This disease hurts people very, very deeply and forgiveness and healing comes at different times for every single person. I know for me that working this program and the steps has given me an insight into my part and allowed me to grow and change. If these relationships every become possible again, my hope is I'll have new tools to keep me safe and protect the relationship. But, I've also come to realize that may not happen.
It's easy to sit in our own world and look at/pass judgement on those around us who wronged us. That was a pattern deeply entrenched in me before Al-Anon. What Al-Anon has taught me is that this disease takes good people, and turns them into the worst of the worst. The disease is powerful and progressive and the only person who can chose recovery is the one who's sick. Al-Anon taught me that it's a disease and not a choice and there are so many behaviors that are adopted to excuse, rationalize and justify the behaviors/actions. To an outsider, it's apparent that the diseased is sick, in need of help, selfish and self-centered. To the Alcoholic, it's the rest of the world that needs to adapt/adjust.
My best suggestion is to seek recovery for you....you can find others who understand where you are in the program, and learn how to live your life happily and peacefully no matter what anyone else is doing (or is not doing). I love the program as it helps me be grounded in each moment of each day and helps me stay focused on living my life the best way I can while having joy and peace.
Keep coming back - you are not alone!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sounds like she is truly in denial and denial can be very powerful. My question to you is, do you really have to respond. Maybe by not responding it will help maintain your own serenity and you won't get dragged down the rabbit hole. Hugs and payers to you and your family.
