The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. New here and not sure. We have been married 20 years. He has been drinkng almost daily for the past 8 years and daily for the past 3 years at least. He drinks 1.75l of wishkey every 5 - 6 days. I did a number of on-line quizzes and tests pretending I was him and based on what I know about him. Based on the questions that determine if one is an alcoholic he is not. We have no close friends or family for a variety of un-alcohol related reasons. He meets all of his obligations. He does improvements around the house. I have never had to cover-up for him. I have mentionned that I think he is drinking too much twice, with no nice consequences. He sometimes "falls asleep" in his chair. He sometimes does not remember things, like when he asked me how a special glass got broken (he did it). He does not go out to the bar (drinks at home). When we do go out he does not drink due to the risk of a DWI which would cause him to loose his job. Sometimes he will get depressed when drinking, other times he will pick fights with me. So far, although expensive, we are not experiencing any financial strain.
I think he is an alcoholic, but I am not sure. Any advice?
The really good news about al-anon is, you don't have to decide whether someone is an alcoholic or not. If someone else's drinking is causing you distress or unhappiness then al-anon is for you, whether they ARE an alcoholic or not!! A big part of al-anon is becoming free from the responsibility of thinking we have to interpret or diagnose someone else's actions. Instead, we are free to focus on what we want and need.
What we do is explore together what is worrying us about other people's behaviour, why it is worrying us and what WE can do to make our lives happier and more joyful whether that person keeps drinking/behaving badly or not.
We don't really give advice in al-anon but instead support each other to figure out what is best for ourselves, so, my "not advice" to you is, forget about what he does or doesn't do and instead list how you feel affected by the way he behaves, and why. What would you like to be doing/feeling/enjoying? What's stopping you from doing those things?
I would also suggest that if you're worried enough about it to post here, then obviously it's a concern for you and you've come to the right place.
Meetings are a great place to start- is there one in your area you could go to?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi Missmeliss. Thank you for the quick reply. Unfortunately I won't be able to go to a live meeting, but in the new year plan on going to counselling. It is nice to know that there is a place were I can ask questions and where people will understand. I will work on freeing myself from responsiblity of responsiblity for his actions.
Hi petey Welcome, As Ms. M. pointed out alanon is a fantastic program for people who are concerned about another's drinking. Breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, is extremely important I did hear you say you had few friends so that reaching out is extremely important. We do have on line
meetings held in the chat room Here is the schedule:
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
Night Meetings
Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time
Sunday 7PM eastern time
Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.
It is here I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time focused on my choices and actions by not reacting to others. Learning how to "respond constructively", my self esteem returned and I blossomed
Keep coming back. There is hope
petev49 - just wanted to send a welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you posted!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
