The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In Alanon I keep hearing "keep the focus on you" or "take care of yourself." How do I do that when I have so many chores and responsibilities? I work full time with a 13 and 16 year old , who the latter has some anxiety issues and is now addicted to marijuana because he's self-medicating with it. He's in an alternative program at the high school where he goes in at 1 and gets done at 7:30. I take him to school on my lunch hour, walk the dog because we don't have a yard (we are in a condo), and 2 days a week I also have a little side gig where I let my friend's dogs out. She pays me $100 a month so it pays a bill. Luckily I only work 8 miles from home so I can do this but that means I'm driving in traffic 4 times a day. Then at 7:30 I am usually the one to pick my son up from school because AH is at a meeting. My AH is working now or at least most days. When he isn't he goes hunting. On the weekend he goes hunting. I'm left with the cooking, dishes, laundry (lugging the clothes to the laundromat), cleaning, grocery shopping (and now Christmas shopping). I don't want to take him away from his meetings but I'm getting burned out here. Where is there time for me to go to a meeting or even the gym? It hardly seems fair.
AH has been giving me money for the bills for the past few months - can't complain there. However, his 1996 van bit the dust so we depleted our savings and checking accounts to get him a 2003 which was $1700 with the agreement he would put the money back ASAP in the account. This was almost 2 weeks ago. So far I only got $500 back. I told him at the time we withdrew the money that if he couldn't put it back himself he would have to get it from his parents. Now he is refusing to do that so I'm left struggling again at Christmas time no less. I have his whole family plus mine to buy gifts for. I feel like I have been used and taken advantage of once again. I keep thinking back to the time 2 years ago when he was drunk on the couch and I had to go to the dealer to lease a new vehicle alone. I had to come up with $1800 on my own.
So I'm thinking of going on strike lol. Just this morning my daughter was crying she had no clean socks. I said well they don't wash themselves! Right now this is the only place I can vent and get ESH.
And for those of you who don't know, AH has been in recovery for 6 months. I have told him I need more help. I have no idea if it got through to him. Probably not but I guess time will tell.
Rosanne, I know it is confusing to attempt to practice new tools in order to regain serenity and sanity. You certainly are a busy lady and have accomplished a great deal. I believe that keeping the focus on yourself is all about looking to yourself, your responsibilities, your feelings and not jumping outside your hoola hoop or your self into anyone else's life to try to make them change.
Maybe assigning the children some chores would help as well Dishes, laundry, dog walking etc
I heard you keep the focus on yourself in the entire posting. You stayed in your "hoola Hoop" discussed your feelings, stayed detached and finally closed with a message of Hope.
It is all a process and I must add that I found that by using he tools attending more meetings when I was "busy" my "responsibilities " seemed less overwhelming .
Thanks Betty. I really do want to just get up Saturday morning and go to a meeting instead of everything else that needs doing around here. It's a shame because I live in an area that has lots of Alanon groups at all hours of the day and night.
Also, if I say things to AH about not helping out more I feel like I am not being supportive of his recovery because I have to admit once I start saying things I can go on for an hour and say it very mean. If things don't go right at work or one of his family members says something offensive, I tend to take it out on him. It seems like just when things are going good, the s**t hits the fan again. It's a vicious cycle.
Oh I remember that first holiday season after my ex and I were apart. I was relieved not to have his family on my mental list of gifts to find. I didn't buy for his family. He could if he wanted them to have from him.
I felt overwhelmed by all my responsibilities. I looked at how other people who have good boundaries do it. It was like learning a foreign language to me. I saw they let some things ride. Hmmm They weren't perfect AND they were OK about it. I still don't have the pronunciation of that foreign language down, but I can make myself understood.
Attending meetings, daily readings and short frequent contact with my HP were and are my lifeline. See if you can enjoy.
-- Edited by Jill on Friday 18th of December 2015 10:31:25 AM
I know about the no time for meetings thing. But the reason I don't have time for meetings is because of things I choose to do, even though they are mostly for my son. So that to me is keeping the focus on me, or perhaps more appropriately, away from the alcoholic. Many of us have a tendency to feed off the drama created by the alcoholic, and then to just dwell on it and wring our hands telling us there is nothing we can do because that, in our strange way, is more fun. or at least it gets us out of the responsibility of choosing for ourselves what to do.
Practicing "say what I mean, mean what I say, and don't say it mean" helps a lot. And I know it's hard, especially without meetings for support. Keep checking back here for support if you don't have any time for meetings. We can help support you when you get just a few minutes to scribble out your life.
And, I would say if he wants presents for his relatives, he can think of them, buy them, and pay for them. Take that piece off your plate!! It's a simple boundary that is all about you, that you simply have too much to do, and if he wants them so bad he can do them himself.
I know when my wife tells me she needs help, when she just says "I need help", I look at her like a deer in the headlights. Probably just like your husband has. When she says "I need help. I don't have time to fold the laundry today, could you do that?" I then have a concrete choice whether I will help her with the laundry.
There were often times that I did not look for, or ask for any help and kind of martyred myself . I had to do everything even though my teen kids were capable of helping. Why? Because I did not like the way they did it, the cleaning was kind of half-assed, other chores were not how I would do them. I was just easier to do it myself instead of re-doing it when they did not live up to my standards.
When my oldest was 18 and going off to college, she had to ask me how to do laundry. I was annoyed but should not have been surprised, because I never had her do any.
I did not do them or myself any favors, they were more challenged by "adult" tasks than they should have been and I was resentful that "no one was helping" . I had an unreasonable expectation of how it be done (perfectly--or so I thought).
I'm doing better--not sweating the small stuff-aka if its a little dusty or out of order than it just is. I ask for help as they still live with me (both in their 20's) and my husband as well.
I break the tasks into manageable pieces, delegate things to others and plain old just "if it doesn't get done- it doesn't".
I also wake up 30 minute early because it is time I am assured of having to myself--I read and meditate for those 30 minutes. Then into the shower and some prayers while I'm in there. Then I steal time wherever I can get it even if its a 10 minute cup of tea and I read this board where I can. Those habits are saving me (and everyone around me lol). My AD is not driving right now (DUI) so driving her to meetings allows me to grab a meeting occurring at the same time/place or nearby. Maybe when hubby goes you can go too?
Jill--I told him he needs to give me the money if he wants his family members to have gifts....His reply was "they don't need gifts." But yet, when we go there for Christmas Eve dinner they all have gifts for us!! UGH UGH UGH I don't even feel like going but the kids would be crushed so I have to. I sincerely hope I can find the joy.
Kenny--I smiled at the "deer in the headlights." That is exactly what he looks like when I tell him that I need help. I did try to spell out some specific chores for him such as scrubbing the tub and toilet, dusting, vacuuming, etc. He said he could get that done all in one day so I am going to hold him to it this weekend!
Thorn--You hit the nail on the head with me. I am a perfectionist and yes everyone else does it half-assed haha! I need to let it go. I'm going to teach my kids how to do the laundry this weekend. I believe what you said that I'm not doing them any favors. They are expected to keep their rooms neat and clean and that's it and have not even been doing that lately. However, they will walk the dog once in a while for me. The rest of the time they are on electronic devices. *sigh* I do allow myself about 30 minutes in the morning to enjoy a cup of coffee and check this board. It has been my lifeline!
Rosanne, it's clear I didn't imagine you would be invited to your husband's family's holiday. With that, I too think it will be good for you to find something to enjoy about the situation. For me, I could enjoy the music, the effort someone had gone to in preparing a meal or the priority someone else gave to what was going on.
You're making memories. This may be how you and your children do holidays, and why not enjoy the little islands of special? Sometimes it comes down to that for me.
I like the old adage Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. That said, when someone else has put away clean dishes and later I can't find them, I have to remember to be grateful for their "help". They tried. That's sweet. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm getting better.
Yes, it's what we do every year. But this past summer --during the time AH was starting recovery, there were some harsh words said about me by one of his family members who clearly never walked in my shoes. It hurt and I was super offended. That's why this year will be a tad awkward. I almost feel like a fake going and making nice.
Holidays are so difficult and expectations tend to surface - even when we are working a good program. Don't beat yourself up and don't assume/expect the others in your home know how you feel/think/stress/plan.....I was where you are a few years back and basically just had to let go.
I think it's been 5 years or more ago, I basically told my kids that if they did not help me decorate, there would be no decorations. Well - they didn't and I didn't. I used to love Christmas and all the decor, but I let it all go as I figured out during step work that my joy was in the eyes of my children when they were small and excited. They and I were not thrilled with going through the motions of decorating so we stopped.
As far as gifts for others, I quit on that about 10 years ago. It was so ridiculous in my extended family that we had a $20 limit and everyone was just exchanging $20 gift cards. So, we all just stopped - made it easy for me and them. I find that others are feeling often the same way as I am - it's become too commercialized and we brought it back to purpose.
My AH and I stopped doing gifts a long time ago. It was again more stress than necessary as we both have what we want/need and if he doesn't, he goes out a buys it at will. My sons are estranged, so I don't have to buy for them - they owe me $$, so I typically just get a card with a note that there debt has been reduced by xx and let it go.
So - for me, changing my priorities became necessary as my kids got older. When they became of an age to contribute in some way, and chose not too, I just decided that I would no longer work harder than anyone else around me. This was part of my self-care plan as I had spent years doing more than my fair share and doing for them too. I was so exhausted, there was nothing pleasurable about the holidays.
I have no tree, no ornaments, no lights, no santas, no snowmen, etc. out/up. And, it's perfectly OK with me! My parents are coming tonight, and they don't care either - nor do they decorate any longer. My priorities have changed and the hoopla I used to do for Christmas was thrown out with the bath water.
So - breathe - make a list - delegate as possible - and let it go. That's what I do and just did this morning! I am going to a meeting in a couple hours and one tomorrow too. It is in doing my daily program things that I keep my sanity and that's what putting me first means....I do for me first and then do other second.
(((Hugs))) Roseann - you will get through this - and we're here for ya!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere and I hope you have a wonderful holiday with your parents! I would love to do away with the gift exchange. I agree that it's basically exchanging gift cards and money so it's not personal at all. I did get my in-laws a huge variety box of kcups as anyone with a Keurig can always use them. Last night my 16 year old watched me dump all the laundry hampers from 4 days worth of dirty--he says oh Mom I feel your pain! Haha
I didn't read all the responses, but i will say that I always felt like a single parent even when I was living with my XAH and even if he was drinking or not. He was just not available no matter how hard I tried to get it across to him that i needed him. My old sponsor used to say to me, "What's the next right thing for you to do? Go do it." That was it. I would call her up and be all frazzled and that's what she'd say. Just do one next thing and then the next, etc. There are never enough hours in the day for most of us. I completely understand. Hugs to you!!! And, now I'm going to go work on my own laundry, HAHA!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you Andromeda. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. Since my AH quit drinking I fully expected him to start making up for 18 years of lost time. I've come to find out that I am probably expecting too much again. Tomorrow he promised to stay home and help clean the house and cook dinner. The weekends just go by way too fast!
