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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What I am struggling with today...
Post Info TOPIC: What I am struggling with today...
Bloodshotbetty


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What I am struggling with today...
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I left my husband last month.  I didn't leave because I didn't love him...I left because I had to.  I needed to protect myself financially, legally, and emotionally.  He has done some terrible things that have hurt me but I also am trying to practice forgiveness and acknowledge that this disease turns people into beings that not even they can recognize.

The last year his behavior did not reflect the man that I married or fell in love with.  Or even the man he could be.  I am fortunate that at one time I KNEW this incredibly kind, caring, sweet, loyal, intelligent man.

A lot of the people in my life- mostly family- didn't get to know this wonderful man.  They only knew the alcoholic and his alcoholic behavior.  I so badly want them to see the good he has in him.  I want them to be excited with me that he has 27 days of sobriety and has fully surrendered to the program.  I want them to see what I saw.

This is up to him to bring the light he has inside of him back out so he can start his amends and hopefully...ONE DAY...let others see what I saw. 

I have had to tell several people in my life to stop bad mouthing him.  He was (and really, will always be) my family.  They have respected my wishes on that.

I feel like I cant be excited for his recovery or celebrate his good traits without being judged that I am excusing his behavior or planning on going back to him and all that.  I guess I feel fortunate that I am able to see him dynamically.  Like all of us, he's not all bad and he's not all good.  I don't define him by his alcoholism, although many people around me seem to do so. 

And with that I pass. :)



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hotrod


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Betty I think that you drew an understandably firm boundary with your friends and family regarding talking ill about him. I think that it is now s time to take the focus back to yourself and anytime the conversation strays to him you can validate yourself your dreams, plans and courage instead of defending him . Keeping the focus on yourself is equally as important as stressing his good points .



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
missmeliss


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It sounds like you've done the kindest thing for both of you and done it with compassion and respect too. Good on you.

And as Betty says, you really deserve to make yourself no.1 now and pursue your own serenity and happiness.

(((Betty)))

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mirandac


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The best thing you could do is keep working on yourself
And hopefully he will do the same.

You do not have to answer for your ah stuff, just say you
Would rather not discuss it. You hope for the best in his
sobriety and effort to change and grow into an emotionally
And spiritually Strong man.

Keep taking care of you, keep working your alanon program
For your recovery. One day to a time.

((((((((( betty ))))))))




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andromeda


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Bravo!! Love this share because you did what you had to do, both for yourself and for the man you love. One of my sponsors used to say: just do the next right thing and I can see you working through that with program in your life. Hugs to you.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Jerry F


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I've read your share several times and each time am reminded of the need for commitment in our recovery...Thanks for the reminder...going to go practice that myself. (((hugs))) smile

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KennyFenderjazz


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This is a wonderful share, and goes right with along with this thread from today concerning respecting your alcoholic, giving them the dignity they deserve, because we know they are in the grip of a cunning baffling disease.  Few other people can understand that, and that is where the badmouthing comes from.  Those of us who have seen it don't badmouth the alcoholic, nor do we defend them, we just love them if we are able, and know that they are people, no more, no less.

 

Kenny



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Iamhere


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In my world, and in my program, I truly try to not speak ill about anyone. Those close to me know that I seriously don't like, respect or tolerate gossip of any kind. I am the one who will straight up ask when they (the gossiper/judgmental person) built their own glass house?" That usually makes people stop talking, which is my desired result.

I get a ton of grief about this stance. Some in the program and in my family believe it's not gossip if it's good. To me, it's inappropriate to talk about any other person - let them tell their story - let them have their dignity.

During my 4th step work, I realized that many who care about me judged my AH because of my sharing, my venting, my tears/sadness/etc. In other words, I was the cause of many judgments within my close circle about my AH and my other qualifiers. So, as a result of work the steps and practicing this program, I no longer share anything about anyone beyond my sponsor and a few trusted friends.

When I stopped sharing, in a short while, others stopped asking/talking about 'it' - my situation, my chaos, my drama - which was a huge gift of working these steps. You have the right to talk about your departure as well as the right to stop talking about it. You are 100% in control of what conversations you listen to, participate in and/or walk away from. These (me) decisions were a huge gift from this program.

Keep taking care of you. Keep working your program and as you change, grow and find your joy and peace, it's amazing to see how everything else changes around you. I believe you and understand 100% what you share - my husband was way better than sliced bread when we met/married in sobriety. He's now a broken, aged shell of who he was, but I know, just as you do that there is goodness within.

(((Hugs))) - you are doing a great job grasping the program and finding your empathy for the person with the disease! Thanks for sharing - keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
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