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Hi, I am living with a A...it seems to have gotten worse. I went to therapy finally to help me deal with my inner anger. I cannot cry in front of him or the verbal argument gets worse. I cannot sleep & have to work. We do very little together. i have tried to do more but the friends come over & its a big influence. I do not have my friends here because of the A's friends. I am ashamed. Me & my friends dont do alchol or drugs. I meet my friends other place. Although some do come over but never when the A's friends are here. I am accused of talking about the A in therapy and being critical. I am now accused of cheating. God knows I am NOT. I am so very sad, angry, in pain, lost, alone, crying and I cant stop. I have to go to another room to cry. I have to work in a few hours. I dont know if i can today. Everything was ok I thought. We finally went to dinner alone. Came home and the drink started. then by 10:30 another personality from the A. I need love. I need to be held. I need acknowlegement of my feelings. I want to be happy again. I took on another all day job in another state for one day so that maybe the A would miss me. But instead, I get told "How do I know what you really are doing?" and God forbid if if I dont answer the phone, I then get accused of seeing someone. But yet the A will NOT go with me places when I ask. Some of my friends cannot come here because A doesnt like them. I feel like the alcholic and I am not one...The A has fallen asleep and I cant sleep. My soul and spirit it torchered................................Right now I just need some one ...just someone ...i am in such pain in my heart. I am so very lost..I cant stop crying.... Even my prayers dont help now.Thank you someone for taking the time to read this.
You are not alone... not really. I, for one, have already read your post, and I am saying a prayer for you to feel comfort and peace as I write these words.
((((((((((alanon_2002))))))))))
Your A sounds very frightened to me, scared to death that his drinking may drive you away. But he's in the grip of such a powerful disease, and it makes him say stupid, stupid things.
I've learned over the years to never believe anything cruel my A says--whether he's drunk or not simply because I refuse to give the disease that satisfaction.
At some point, I think I just got all cried out... and that was it... I just didn't have any more tears to waste on the idiotic things A's say. They make no sense--sometimes even when they are sober!
Hang in there. Someone who's not so new to these boards will come along soon and say all the right things....
I was about to log out and saw your post. What you wrote sounded a lot like my past experience. My heart goes out to you.
For me, I did not see what was really happening while I was in the middle of it. But, like you, somewhere inside me I knew it wasn't right. My ex was so verbally and emotionally abusive that it wore me down. I also had some health issues that made me more vulnerable, and the combination adversely affected my sleep -- and when that happened the spiralling down went faster. And my ex insisted that I HAD TO BE IN THE MARRIAGE BED, even if for a medical reason to do so meant I couldn't sleep. Now that I've distanced myself, I can see the pattern of control.
Ultimately, I was advised to go to our local domestic violence shelter -- that had never occurred to me because my then H never hit me. The counselor there listened for about 15 minutes and then excused herself, bringing back a list of like 40 or so behaviors of abusers, most of which were not physical abuse. Most of the first half of the list pertained to my life. Isolation and isolating behavior in various forms is key; as is various forms of control (sleep, finances, knowing where I was at all times, what I said, how I said it, etc) I was then told that it sounded like I was being "Gaslighted" -- a term from the old movie "Gaslight" with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, I think. Anyway, it basically is being told repeatedly that something that you see or that you did, being told that those occurrences did not happen. It is a way to make one start questioning themselves, questioning their gut instinct.
Only you know what is happening in your life. Trust your gut. If you feel it isn't safe to do certain things, trust yourself. If you feel certain actions by you to take care of yourself are safe, trust that. It took me a while to really integrate into my life the lesson they tell us each time we get on an airplane, that we need to put on our own oxygen mask before helping others, including children. I wasn't raised where it was acceptable to do that first. But Al Anon taught me that and so much more. You may need people you can trust in order to make a change; I wish I'd had Al Anon back then. I didn't find Al Anon until 5 or more years later. Focusing on me and my issues is what has made the positive difference. Take care.
I hope u are going to f2f meetings u need support someonewho can answer a phone on a bad day. This is alcoholism plain and simple , its very lonley and there is no emotional support. to me thats why my sponsor ws so helplful she was always there to listen to me and offer a solution. keep the focus on yourself and you will get better regardless of what he is doing.
You have a right to find peace within yourself. Alanon meetings and working the steps will give you the strength. Alanon will help you find courage to "take care of You." Your so very right when you say, you think ..to Trust your Gut. IS the same....with....Trust Alanon. Trust Alanon to help you at this time in your life. You will see that "this too shall pass." Your in my prayers, hon. Take careYOU.
Hi I am having such lonelyness issues..last night it was thrown up to me how i loved my ex who just passed away and how i am living in the current apt. just because the number of the place is the day my ex passed. and more got thrown at me...i am crying so much, i cannot stop and my eyes are swollen. I have to go to work. I dont look good. I long for someone to hold me while I am like this...there is no one, but you are right as i must take care of me. someway...no friends that i can count on. they are all in relationships and cannot hear me..i am lost.....
We are not meant to be so lonely . . . you AREN'T alone, but that's how we feel when this disease tyrannizes us for years. You'll find many others in Alanon that feel and felt the same way you do.
It's not your fault this is happening to you. You are a victim of your husband's fatal disease and you don't have to live this way.
That business about the number of your apartment and your ex is a big red flag to me . . . I agree with Emma, I'm seeing signs of domestic abuse in your relationship as well. It takes one to know one :) there too. Many, many of us have had to face abuse issues as well as the alcoholism or addiction in our loved ones.
The BEST, absolute best thing you can do is get yourself to an Alanon meeting! You need to be among us. Let us listen to you and support you. There is NO reason on earth you should feel so alone and smashed down, you are obviously a kind and good person who does not deserve this.
We love our alcoholics, and when they say or do terrible things it hits us right in the heart.
I'm so sorry that your life is like this . . . but I promise it WILL get better, there is hope. Get to a meeting, get to as many as your time schedule allows, try different meetings. Post here just to vent your feelings. Find a sponsor at a meeting, a person who has what YOU want for yourself, strength and hope, and let her guide you through the maze.
We are here for you! We all came to Alanon because we were terrified, lonely, and smashed flat. It doesn't have to be this way!
