The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So often my AH starts a conversation with me about work, or family, or some friend of mine that he doesn't care for and while it starts out pleasant and normal there is always this weird twist where he starts to get defensive and wants me to agree with whatever his point is "Your boss has to stop treating you like that and you should do such and such", "your sister always does blah blah blah you have to admit that I am right about this, why are you taking her side?", "so and so talks about me, I know she does, but you still want to be friends with her etc etc etc".
It always feels like a trap. If I just go along, I am lying. Some of the points are so crazy and off topic that they don't make sense. When I try to explain what actually happens in my job, or my great relationship with my boss, he gets impatient because that is not what he wants me to say. He wants me to say he is right and then let him tell me how to live my life, and don't complain if you don't listen to me because I told you so.
Usually, this whole weird cycle deteriorates pretty quickly, with him saying angrily, "I just can't talk to you anymore, you make me so angry, you never listen or take my side", and then he usually knocks over a chair or slams a door and off he goes.
Tonight I didn't follow him down the crazy rabbit hole. I kept my voice calm, tried to speak my truth, and when he started to pull his chair away from the table to commence his dramatic exit, I said "Hey, this whole conversation is just going in a weird direction. You keep bringing up things that don't really make sense and I feel like you are trapping me so I really don't want to talk to you about this anymore."
He froze. He looked a little stunned. I then started talking about what we needed to do this evening and the kids etc as if nothing had occurred at all. I thanked him for something he had done for me after work.
He went out. Calmly. To "do an errand". Probably to drink. But, you know what? Who cares? I have my serenity and I didn't let him take it away from me. :)
Thanks for reading.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
I know this cycle all too well. I swore my XAH just wanted someone to spar with, it was the only way he felt loved in the relationship. It was either this type of interaction OR he would just give the silent treatment, which usually was just fine by me by the time our marriage was nearing an end.
Honestly, I truly believe that my XAH just thought that having ANY kind of exchange was better than no exchange at all. I think it was just his way. I slowly got sucked into it over the years but when I started doing what you did, he got angry and couldn't understand why I wouldn't engage. I learned that it was Ok to just let him be right. I didn't need to prove that I was right or that my point had more validity than his and that I didn't need to convince him that my friend really was a good person even though she and I had a disagreement that day, etc. I knew the truth and I learned that it didn't matter what I said to him, even if it was TRUE (like actual truth with no doubt behind it) because he had already made up his mind as to what HIS truth was and there was no way my arguing with irrational thinking was going to get me to a more healthy emotional state. So, I just started walking away, letting him vent and and be right, and I happily went on with my life. It took practice but I love this technique because it works with other people too, lol.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
"andromeda", thank you for responding, it helps so much to have the validation! It's like a light went on --- I DON'T HAVE TO ENGAGE! I agree with you about the attempt at an exchange. My guy has been trying sobriety and I think he really feels uncomfortable when he is sober, like his social skills and gift of gab have just vanished. But, this is his challenge, not mine, for him to learn who he is on new terms. I cannot do this work for him.
__________________
Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Ah this is wonderful and I really needed to be reminded of this versus getting caught up in the craziness :) that serenity is wonderful!
My AH is similar in that he thinks his opinion is the only one and he'll argue until the cows come home...even with the kids, who pretty much have adopted the complete opposite opinions than him because they get tired of the ranting...the worst part is that he will start the same argument over again and tell the same stories as if we have never heard them before...argh!!
-- Edited by Fairlee on Saturday 12th of December 2015 05:47:18 PM
