I'm really having some problems with staying present and trusting that my higher power has a plan for me. Along with the usual stressors that are a part of the holidays and end of year, I'm still trying to find a job that is a good fit.  My old supervisor has agreed to be one of my references and I was surprised that she seemed to be interested in offering additional help by meeting with me for lunch and discussion. I have had a few chances to work since that time but the jobs were disasters in the making. One workplace let me go after a week simply because they'd changed their mind either about me personally, having someone in the job or whatever. I was offered a very lame excuse as to why I was being let go. When I was hired a few months later by another company,  I left after a week because of factors not mentioned in the interview concerning job duties and problems within company concerning the product they were providing.  I was not able to ethically perform the job nor did I feel I was a good fit for the change of duties they implemented within my first week of employment with them. 

As a result of these unfortunate situations, I feel my former supervisor is no longer invested in me. When I last met with her in the Fall, I explained my reason for leaving the last position and she questioned the practices I said were being put in place and my discomfort with them. It seemed simple to her that this would not be occurring based on best practices she then stated to me. It made sense to me, but nonetheless what I was telling her was the truth of what was happening. I then displayed some inhibition. I felt doubted, uncomfortable, flustered but I shrugged and defended but not too much what I had stated. I felt uncomfortable during the rest of our visit. We did talk about some more personal aspects of our lives and she does have some things of her own that she is dealing with at the moment.

With that said, I reached out to her in email to thank her for her time and once each month since with no response. Since she has not indicated she doesn't want to be a reference, I updated her a few days ago concerning interviews and calls she might receive. 

My bigger problem is that I am making her my higher power in this situation. I worked hard for her and well and I admire her professionally and personally. We have both been supportive of one another as professionals in times of personal tragedy. I value her as a person and am grateful for the degree of friendship she's extended. I hope I didnt say anything that offended her and I hope she still has personal and professional respect for me. I feel concerned at this point but don't want to come off as a nuisance to her. She is a busy exec. My concern is that if I've somehow allienated her and I try to get an answer, she may decide it's the last straw and reason enough not to offer a reference. I'm really not sure how to handle this. 

It's very hard for me to keep my fingers crossed as I continue looking for work hoping she is being supportive. I worry that what may have been a glowing reference may now be nothing more than a lukewarm recommendation. I'm trying to not obsess but honestly I look with hope each day for a response from her in my email box. Mostly, I worry that I've hurt her feelings in some way without realizing through personal conversation during our lunch. This is the last thing I would ever want to do. I keep going over what we talked about and can't think of anything I might have said but I just don't know.  You can see the pattern of obsession.

I know I have to let go and let god and trust that hp has a good life plan for me. At this point, since my former supervisor hasn't responded my thoughts about it are nothing more than my own projections about it. My obsessing about it is making me frightened and anxious. The stress is affecting me physically, emotionally and my relationships. I cry a lot these days. I know I need to refocus, take care of myself and keep moving forward and hope for the best with everything. I need to stay present and let my life unfold and trust my higher power is taking care of me.  The path I'm on may be very different than my perception so it's likely best to just keep going forward odaat and see what's in store. I'm going to try to let go of my fear and continue praying for hp's will for me. 

Thanks for letting me share with you.  I hope others might have some es&h.  ((hugs))  TT