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Has anyone else run into this -- in the last few weeks I very casually met someone, who after only speaking to them a very few minutes, certainly less than an hour during a meeting with 4 other people there, I was just bowled over with attraction. I didn't even know this person, and it was like I was knocked over with a ton of bricks. I've been in Al Anon just a few years ... and I've been working the program and trying to face my issues. I've been divorced about 5 years, and while there was a grieving process, I was the one who filed and so much of the grieving took place before I filed. Still, after entering Al Anon I came to see and accept that I chose my ex, no one held a gun to my head. And so before I put myself, my kids or anyone else through another painful experience, I needed to work on my issues, and do my best to learn from history. There are some health and other issues that affected the length of time, but basically, in the last few months I have been feeling I was ready for a relationship, and have been getting involved in the community, etc in order to meet people. SO then in the last couple of weeks I meet this guy. During the 3 days I'd known him our paths crossed for work reasons about 3 times -- each time both of us were very professional, and if anything he was quiet -- no red flags. I was more one of the leaders of the meetings, so I had to talk. Then when I came to enough to sense I'd been overwhelmed with feelings, I started a mantra, "I don't know him, He doesn't know me" kind of thing -- trying to get a reality check into my brain. Shortly after that it hit me -- I wonder if my pre-Al-Anon radar is still securely installed? So I checked a couple of sources I had that were extremely confidential, and sure enough, ... there's alcohol and drug addiction in his past. He may be pretty well into recovery, I don't know, and it really is none of my business. What I do believe is that this huge attraction is mutual -- it's wierd cause we are both middle-aged -- but 2 of the times that week he blushed when asking me a question. So, I tried to find some literature about how can it be that my brain is wired somehow so that just by looking into someone's eyes when talking in a neutral way in a professional setting that all the bells and whistles go off? What I found was that my noticing my feelings, and realizing that the person may be an alcoholic is progress -- and now I have choices. Does anyone else have any other insights? How ?When? will I stop being attracted to and attracting alcoholics? What else can I do in my recovery to help with this?
Better for You to look in the right places. Keep workn' the program. Hang Tough!! Keep looking UP! You're HP will help you, You'll know when its right. You're in my Prayers.((()))
For once, I don't have any insight into this one, except --- ME TOO!!
How do we just 'know' and find it almost irresistable?? Do we give off some kind of pheromone?? Would a healthier person be able to spot it too, only find it repulsing instead of an attraction? I will look into all of the psychological research I can get my hands on the subject and see if there have been any studies! I doubt it, but have some friends that I could talk to and maybe get the ball rolling!
They research cancer and scizophrenia no end, why not alchoholism and their spouses too?
I am certainly thinking you are pretty darn smart to ask around, and realize your weakness for this ahead of time. Maybe you should just chalk it up to the fact that getting involved with someone at work is just NEVER a good idea, too! Don't blame yourself on this one!
You are a clever cookie, way to go for knowing yourself well enough to avoid a potential disaster!
I too am going through something similar. I had been to many meetings with this man. From the time he walked in, I was just taken. When he shares, or chairs the meeting of AA he seems to have a great program for him. He is an inspiration to everyone in the room. He lives about 800 miles from where I do, he was in town for a few months for business. Many times, a lot of us as a group would all go have coffee together. It even got to the point where he and I would go together and pick up others to take to meetings out of town. I felt I could trust him that much. I even went and had coffee with him just being the two of us.
So, at the start. All that kept going through my head was, "I don't need this now, he could become an active alcoholic again, he lives too far away, I need to be recovered....don't get attached, don't get attached!" I thought I hadn't. My sponsor and I are talking after this man had called me while my sponsor was there to see how I was doing. My sponsor said, "So and so is pretty cute huh?" I just said, "Yeah, I guess.....but I don't need this right now, for all the reasons." My sponsor then told me he really thought we complimented one another. He knew the man well enough he wasn't going to do anything "wrong" with me to jepordizes his sobriety. Right now, we just needed to stay at the pace we were going and not close my mind to him because he is an alcoholic. I have had enough of Alanon to have spotted it.
I went to visit him at his new jobsite in another state. When, I first got there he took me to a meeting, and then again the next day. He was perfect and didn't cross any lines. There has never been a dicussion of "US". When, I was ready to leave that weekend, there was a letter in my suitcase. The letter thanked me for coming to see him and he said it was a real treat. He also added that he didn't know where this would take us, but he sure enjoys the time in getting to know me and if at any point do I think this is affecting my recover, I need to let him know.
Am I head over hills? Maybe? Is my radar crashing? Maybe. Apparently, I needed to get this all out as well....lol. Here is what I am thinking. I am not going to be close minded to the idea that we could be right for one another, but I am not closing my mind to the fact that we are not right for one another because he is an alcoholic and I am recovering as well. I have plenty of time to get to know him though. We both can respect that.
And yes, after all this time we still can look into eachother's eye for very long without blushing.
Good Luck to you. You seem to on the right path. You may not know if he is the one, but you will know if it is one worth trying.
This is a big one. I think therapy is very helpful in this case. The first place to look, is to your father, as he is your role model for male behavior. Our father is supposed to be the one man who loves us unconditionally (whether we feel he does or not), so we tend to mold future relationships around how we were treated by him and his actions. Then there is the piece about how you feel about yourself. When we notice a pattern, it is because on some level, this is what we KNOW. No matter how bad the present is, the unknown is usually more terrifying. The brain rationalizes, (well, at least I know I can handle this, I have before...). So we replay patterns over and over (usually our early childhood dynamic) until we have resolved the issue. Alanon is very helpful in resolving this, in my view. But talk therapy is definitely a good tool in this.
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**Everyone is doing the best they can from day to day**
I have come to realize that you can put me in a room full of men and there will only be one alcoholic/addict/codependent there and I will find them! LOL.
The good thing is you recognized it. The other good thing is you are in Al-Anon and learning to be yourself and make good safe choices for yourself. As you said he could be in recovery already and personally I would rather meet an A in recovery who is working the program than one who is still drinking or has "cured" themselves without a program.
It is up to you to decide if you have enough time in and knowledge of both the program and yourself to put yourself in this situation. For a lot of Al-Anon's still living with a practising A this has worked for them.
We all make our own choices but since I know that I am attracted to addicts I need to make sure I am strong enough to let go and let God take care of them. I need to know that I am not "falling" for someone I want to fix.
Keep coming back and learning how to take care of yourself before you attempt to be in a relationship with someone who may or may not have a problem
I have had a strict rule my entire life to not get involved with anyone at work -- I've always stuck to it and will in this case too. But the apparent reality of how my brain connects with alcoholics ... like our friend who responded who said she could be in a room with 100 guys and she'd some how get linked with the A -- THAT'S what is really amazing to me here. That I will need to be so aware of this point for, well, maybe for the rest of my life. Thank GOD, and I mean that literally, that I now can see what I'm doing within a fairly reasonable amount of time.
If anybody has additional insights, they are welcome.
