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So im moving out tomorrow . . My stbexah cheated multiple times over many years. Is begging for forgivenes, bla bla and saying he will change. We are proceeding with the divorce. My 11 yp daughter the love if my life blames me. "why cant you forgive. . What did he do. . ". . Shes knows of his drinking. . All too well but these past weeks daddy has been."good". She knows there was an inappropriate relationship. . But tonight shes mad at me. . Said i dont like you and i dont want to go live with you. Now i know not to give her the details of the affairs but how do i handle this. . Hes been an active alc all of her life. His first admitted affair was five yrs ago the latest these past two. . With pics toconfirm. .Yet im the garbage, im ostracized, im left out and given the cold shoulder. He gets. ."daddy is trying to be better why are you so mean?". Please. .Ideas. .
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Sounds like she's trying to fix? I'd suggest a child friendly version of the truth. Mum and dad love you but together we aren't good to ourselves or to you and that needs to change. Gently remind her that she isn't the cause nor the cure of these problems. Help her feel some sense of control over the move, maybe you and she can pick out something that symbolises happy, a new bag or lamp. Perhaps she could plan a new bedroom and start picking one small thing at a time. Change is scary, its unknown, but there can be an upside to it. Feel for you, and admire your determination in the face of emotional war. Keep on keeping on.
I agree with a4l. She is fearing change. A child friendly version of the truth is what she needs. No details for a 11 yr old. That would scar her for life. But to know that trust has been broken. Maybe use the kicked puppy analogy that the puppy has been kicked too many times and now the puppy doesn't trust it won't be kicked again.
And reinforce that it is not her fault and it is not your fault. It just IS. And she will be okay.
I am a firm believer in honesty regarding the situation .. my kids are older they know what happened because of him actually. I answered questions based upon age and based upon what was appropriate. I have also talked to my oldest about my part in the relationship breakdown just in terms that it wasn't just their dad. My youngest is still figuring things out, he gets when the behavior starts with his dad.
With both of the kids I really focus on the positive .. that is all about what was suggested .. focus on the new room, new beginnings and how this is a positive thing for both of you. My kids saw how unhappy I was with my XAH .. they see now how happy I am .. and trust me they want this version vs the other one big time.
Hugs S :)
You are doing great just keep doing the next right thing.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
((TOC))) She needs time to accept this change. It is all a process. Give her time and keep the focus on your next right action.
Alateen or counseling will help in the future
((TOC)) Remember, you are the adult here, and will always know more about the situation. She loves her daddy, of course, and therefore doesn't understand how it is that, even if you forgive him, you can't repeat the past. She doesn't have the maturity and understanding of alcoholism and infidelity that you have learned so well through the school of hard knocks. She doesn't understand that daddy can *say* anything, but whether it really happens is a different story. she will learn soon enough.
My wife has been through some of this when she was a kid, and absorbed that much of it was her fault, so now whenever ANYTHING breaks she thinks it's her fault. She is in recovery and now knows better, but it's a struggle for her to respond and not react, everything seems totally black and white, and it is always *someone's* fault. So definitely make sure she knows it isn't her fault, just IS, just like maryjane said.
The things that seem obvious to us aren't obvious to children. I wonder if it would help to explain to her that alcoholics can say things very sincerely and believe what they say, but until they go into a formal program of recovery, and stick with it, they simply don't have the capacity to follow through with their promises. They simply can't. Your poor daughter is probably thinking he can and so he will. It may take some time for her to believe it, but right now she doesn't have any way of knowing any different. Gradually she will learn how it all works. Have faith and take care of yourself!
Our counselor said we needed to remind our 11 and 9 yr old girls that the reason mom and dad argue and we moved out from AH is because mom and dad hurt each other too much when we are together. Mom hurt daddy recently and daddy hurt mom a long time ago. We want to make sure you and your sister have everything you need and some of what you want and give you a nice home and a happy life, but along the way we forgot to take care of each other too. And that led to mom hurting daddy but we are trying very hard to teach you and show you that the way mom and dad are right now is not what we want for you and your sister when you two get married one day. We want to you to understand what a happy and healthy marriage is and maybe one day daddy and I will be able to show you that, but for right now mom and daddy have to get help for our mistakes and we can't be married or live together and give you and your sister everything you two need and deserve for your happiness. Not material things, like clothes and toys, but a happy peaceful home filled with love and again, the only way we can do that for y'all right now is to not live together. And you know how Daddy is at night after he has had a few drinks and how he talks to me and you and your sister and that is not what we want ya'll to have to live with. Daddy needs to get help for his drinking and mom needs to get help for what would make her hurt daddy, someone she loves very much and to be the best mom she can be to ya'll and that is why you, your sister and mom are going to counseling. so we can understand better and know how to love the right way.
I left with a 11 year and 1 1/2 year old and my oldest is now 17 and thanks me for moving. She loves her Dad, but now realizes it's so much nicer without all fighting. I am glad my youngest will never have to grow up in the misery that my oldest did. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
She doesn't understand now, but someday she'll be an adult and understand very well the reasons why you left. And she'll also likely see what a strong woman her mother was to stand up for what she believed was the right thing to do. My own mother was faced with a similar decision and decided to stay with my dad "for the kids". I know she did the best she could, but as adults my sister and I both agree we wished she had made a different decision.
I know it isn't easy, and doing the next right thing sometimes hurts. I also just went through a divorce, joint custody, etc and I can only share my experience, but after the pain and tears I can say with 100% certainty that it was so very worth it.
Theoceancalls you have been on my heart and mind lately. I went to see my attorney yesterday to begin divorce proceedings. AH has been sober since december 22, or at least that I know of. And oh how it hurts my heart to talk to him when he is sober, logical, hurt, angry, etc. I want so badly to just hug him and tell him, if only you knew how much I love you and love our children then you would understand why I have to do this and why I had to remove our children from our home. If I thought for one minute that you could stay sober, get into AA, help me work through all of our crazy issues and be happy again then I would run right back. But after 15 years and especially the past 8 months of life in pure torture mode, I am scared to death to come home and have to relive what all we have been through the kids have been through. I actually asked my girls last night how they would feel about mom and dad divorcing. Response: 11 yr old said I don't care. I'd rather y'all be divorced. All y'all do is argue or daddy yells at you all the time. 9 yr old said I don't care either. Well, I don't want y'all to divorce, but I don't want y'all fighting every night either and Daddy yelling at you every night and I'm tired of hearing how his mama talks about you mean too, it hurts my feelings and it hurts my feeling when I hear you talk hard about daddy. I'm just tired of y'all fighting and I like how things are now. Nobody fights anymore and we can go see daddy whenever we want.
I'm thinking of you, of you all, and praying for you! Separation and divorce are not for the faint of heart for sure! This is one tough battle of the emotions and having to remind myself daily, several times a day, that I am doing the right thing for my children, even if daddy stays sober without AA, too much hurt and water under the bridge and repairable emotional damage has been done to go back and how would you even begin to start over when that much damage has been done anyway.
One more thing is that my girls are going to counselling tomorrow for the first time. They have heard their daddy belittling me and yelling details of my affair at me; they have heard him admitting to his affairs all in detail that no 9 & 11 year old should hear or know about. I worry about the emotional damage, if any, that he and I have caused them and all the confusion. I'll be anxious to see my two come out of this as stable as can be teenagers. I have one child that began to exhibit severe hypochondria and like kennyfenderjazz's wife, she also cries about everything and everything is her fault, she ignores authority at home with me and when it finally gets enough to ground her she really goes off the deep end then. The other night after having to discipline her she began to hit her head with her fist and say I'm such an idiot. and all I could do at that point was yell at her that I never wanted to hear her call herself an idiot again, or stupid or dumb or fat or ugly or bad and never hit herself like that again! Yelling at her was definitely not the right approach because all i'm teaching her is to yell. my emotions are on overload these days and i pray hard that by getting us to counselling asap we all come out alive and well! hang in there and definitely give her some time to process all this. If she's at the same phase emotionally and physically in her life that 11yr old daughter is then she has A WHOLE LOT OF CHANGES GOING ON AT ONE TIME and bless her heart and yours!!!! Stay strong in your decision as her mom knowing you are doing the best you can!
