It sounds as if it is not a fully reciprocal friendship.

When I had something very similar happen to me, I asked my therapist if I should end the friendship.  What my therapist said was that there are different levels of friendship - close, and friendly but not too close, and pleasant but not in contact much, and so on.  She said it wasn't always a matter of black and white, all or nothing, be friends or don't be friends, but sometimes a matter of just putting the person farther out in the circle.  So if they're not capable of being a close friend, you might have them as a sometimes-in-contact-on-Facebook friend, or whatever.  She said, "If you have a long history, that might be worth something, worth not cutting someone off completely, and also you go on and find the other people who are capable of being closer friends."

This jibed with what I had been reading in the books by Harriet Lerner ("The Dance of Anger," etc.)  She points out that when you cut someone off, it's still a relationship of high intensity - it's just that now it's high-intensity absence.  She says that often a healthier option is to transition the friendship into a low-intensity friendship or relationship - basically moving the person outward in the circle.  So you don't have a big "break-up" or announce anything, you just ease yourself out of the high intensity contact, don't expect much of them, maybe send Christmas greetings or birthday greetings once a year, or if they get in contact, you say "Great to hear your news!  All's well over here," but you don't engage much.  Not because you're punishing them or hoping to manipulate a different outcome or anything, just because you're invested in other things.

I know the temptation to blow up and say "I've had it with this!  I can't take any more of your terrible treatment!" can be big.  I've certainly felt it, anyway.  But I think some people just don't have it in them to be fully reciprocal, and once we've expressed ourselves and seen that they can't do any more, it just leaves a bad feeling to blow up.  The saying "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean" has kept me on the right path many times, even though I don't do it perfectly.  But it's something to aim for.

We also tend to overfocus on one relationship when others are empty.  Maybe the most helpful thing you could do is to start to cultivate some new friendships which will be more rewarding down the line.  I know that difficult friends are less disappointing and painful when I have other people to socialize with.  I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

Sunflower: I have been wanting to comment about how I lost touch w/ a friend who would've been my friend for 45 years. I thought she was my "best" friend & there was no one like her. She went away & never came back into my life again. I have regrets that maybe I was too needy or something. I wanted to talk to her daily at one time but she had to protect herself. Her brother had gotten into a lot of trouble & she needed to concentrate more on him. I felt sad. I didn't know how to regain the friendship the way it was. I now realize that it will never be the way it was especially in high school. We went to a different high school than I did. Anyhow, I would do almost anything to get her friendship back but I don't think she would want to be my friend again after so much water under the bridge. I felt fortunate too that went to the same college. But that was short-lived.

I still miss her so much. It seems like I will always miss her. If I had the chance, the first thing I would do was give her a big hug!

I don't know what you should do about your friend. I just hope whatever happens you won't feel like you made a mistake.

Kathleen

Oh yeah, to tell the truth, I think she is an alcoholic. She showed signs of it the last time I talked to her on the phone.