The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife is a recovering alcoholic. She's over one year sober and I'm very proud of her, but I'm pissed at how she "recovers".
During her downfall into complete alcoholism I picked up a lot of the slack with our 3 kids. I maintained the house, cooked dinner, drove them to sports, worked my full-time job and a small part-time job while my wife drank herself into oblivion (mostly on weekends but it got worse at the end). Now she's in recovery and has not had a drink in over a year, which I'm very proud of her and thankful for. I'm still doing everything, laundry, cleaning, cooking, making lunches, driving kids to places, picking up around the house and I'm getting very very wore out.
I resent how her recovery went. It's like a celebration and everything is about her, how she feels, how she felt, resentments other people need to give up towards her, etc. I'm so jealous because early in our relationship I had a porn addiction. Which was all about her too. She complained endlessly to her family about my porn addiction, to her friends, and to mild acquaintances. For about 4-5 years after I stopped my addiction we would "talk" about it. It came up when things were going OK, when they were bad, but it was a topic of conversation that was pretty one-sided. Always about how she felt, about how the porn affected her, about how horrible I was doing it, how disgusting I was. It seemed like a bludgeon with which to hit me with whenever she was feeling upset about anything. For 4-5 years this was how it was.
I didn't realize until she had an addiction that people who are addicts get sympathy and tons of attention and repetitive affirmations for doing the right thing. I figured when you're an addict you get shunned, humiliated, and beat down so low you can hardly function. For example; we have someone we are mildly related to ask my wife about how to handle a partner with a porn addiction. But, my wifes best friend of 25 years does not know that my wife is an alcoholic. I don't get how someone who would not piss on me if I was on fire gets to know about how I was a porn addict, but a close personal relationship that my wife has is kept in the dark about her addiction. Everyone knew about how my wife felt about my porn addiction, but the same is not true about her addiction. Unless of course it can be used to elicit some praise or get out of something, then its brought up.
Now she has her addiction that was detrimental to our relationship, her work and our kids. And, it's still all about her. What she feels like, how it affected her, family rallying around her. I and the kids went through absolute hell. I'm a quiet guy and I did not reach out to anyone so I suppose its my own fault. But, I'm actually pissed that with my addiction it was all about her and how shitty I was and used as a bludgeon to keep me pretty beaten down and (what felt like) on a short leash. Now with her addiction, I feel like my feelings are still brushed to the side.
It brings up so many resentments about how she acted early in our marriage and I'm actually quite pissed off about a lot of things that happened. Things that when I was doing them were always a huge deal and required repeated "talks" and discussions that are now, well no big deal when she's doing them.
I'm resentful that she get to do things to make herself happy and watch out for her best interests, because she's in recovery. But, when the shoe was on the other foot it was....about her too. There are so many things that she is hypocritical about that I can hardly stand it. Things that I did to a mild extent that were huge deals back then, are nothing now when shes doing them.
I'm frustrated, feeling marginalized and very very pissed off at her and the world. I fully supported her through her recovery. I held her into the night while she suffered from withdrawals, while she saw things on the walls, and wailed loudly about the things she had done. We had no problems discussing s*** Ive done wrong in the past, but talking about what she did to me and the kids is too painful.
tl;dr: I'm resentful of my wifes recovery and at having to do a lot of stuff and getting zero recognition for it or anything that Ive done in the past. How the do I turn those things off?
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 9th of December 2015 07:09:40 PM
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. We all understand about resentments resulting from our loved ones' addictions, since alcoholism is a family disease. when my wife was in rehab the second time, I was told about Al Anon, and I was pissed because it was just one more thing I would have to do to "support her". I too, was doing all the family work while she was off at rehab, and before that passed out on the couch most nights.
Once I started Al anon, however, i found out it was all about me. I was able to tell my story to individuals who had seemingly been in the same house with me for a couple of years, our stories were so similar! of course, there are large differences to every story, but it was amazing how many similarities there were, especially in areas which I had never talked with *anyone* about before!
Recovery does become all about the recovering person. They have to figure out how they tick in order to be able to understand how to keep their demons at bay. They need constant reassurance that the path they are on is right, and that there is a chance that they can live through this thing called addiction.
That's part of why it is so great that we have our own recovery in Al Anon. At first we are there because of our qualifier, but after a little while the topic becomes about us, and ends up staying there, along with how can we grow more? We do approximately the same 12 steps of AA because we find that we are addicted to drama instead of serenity, others' opinions instead of our own, keeping quiet while we let someone else define us rather than us defining ourselves and coming together and celebrating that definition with the other person. it does become all about us, and how we can improve ourselves, and what is driving us to the things that previously we unconsciously did, but now become pulled more and more into the light for examination.
I urge you to try Al Anon. Some of the other resentments about how the porn is dealt with will be addressed by you as you go through the steps and learn more about resentments. After awhile, resentments tended to drop away for me. This wasn't because I buried them, it was because I became aware of them (like you are now), and found out what I could do to rid myself of them and gain serenity.
All this has helped me in the last couple of ears to go from a constantly angry person thinking that I have gotten the crap end of life because my wife is an addict, into knowing what my part of the relationship is, where the boundaries are, and being a much happier person for it. I hope you can go to a meeting and try it.
That took me a long time to type. I cannot get my words out very well, I'm intelligent enough I suppose just freeze up when talking about deep emotions. I'm not sure I can do an al-anon meeting although I'm going to give it a try. I went to one last summer, briefly, but was too uncomfortable to even walk in the room. I felt like I did something wrong.
Hi there,
I don't think you can turn those things off from what I am gathering from the program is you have to feel them, process them and then find a way to let them go. Have you ever attended a face to face meeting of Al anon? I live with an active alcoholic who has done many things to cause problems in our marriage (]I'm taking huge, horrifying problems). When I was at one of my lowest points I had a brief emotional affair with someone. I got close to him we kissed and then decided it was wrong and ended it. Out of guilt (or possibly wanting to push him to change) I told my AH about this. This has become a bone of contention in our marriage. I have been made to feel ashamed and it is brought up on a regular basis as an "affair". I have felt so resentful about this I have been tempted to go out and have an actual real affair just because if I am going to pay such a high price I might as well have actually had a real one. And trust me living with the disease of alcohol in my life made me so crazy that I was actually contemplating doing this. But that is not rational thinking. And that is not what I want for myself. And if I didn't get my butt to Al Anon I think I would have gone that route and caused more pain, guilt and shame for myself. It already really Irks me that I am somehow the bad guy in his view of our marriage. If I had done that I would have sealed that for myself. I have not been able to nor would I ever be able to convince my AH that things aren't fair for me. He has a right to his feelings and reactions but I also have rights too. And so I decided to make my amends and let go and let God. With the help of a marriage counsellor I gave him a sincere apology, I asked for his forgiveness and he did forgive me and then I left the rest up to God. I had hoped that he would stop bringing it up after that but he still did and I still reacted here and there. But recently I have made peace with it. If he brings it up I don't pick up the rope and engage in the tug of war about it. I ask him if we can stop talking about it as it is painful for me. I encouraged him to seek help regarding it from a support group or a counsellor because I cannot help him with it. And the most important thing I do is I take care of myself. I go to Al Anon meetings and I try very hard with him to say what I mean and mean what I say. By taking these steps I have been able to let go of my resentment in this area. It didn't happen over night. I get waves of anger and resentment towards him. But al anon is helping me chip away at that big wall of anger and resentment that is so bad for me.
And instead of seeking forgiveness from him (which may never come) I am able to forgive myself. I am able to give myself recognition for the wonderful things I have done to keep my family together through tough times. To give my child what she needs when others couldn't. That has brought me more peace than any kind of forgiveness and recognition he could give me. One day maybe I will get it but I have stopped waiting around for it.
It must have taken me a long time to write that out because I see your second post. The best advice I ever got was that if you don't like one group try a different one. THe first Al anon meeting I went to wasn't for me so I went to one in a different location that was a bit bigger with a better mix of people I could relate to and it really helped. They also told me that I should try 6 meetings before I make a decision. That helped too.
Many people don't even talk at their first meetings. In fact, some people rarely talk anyway, it's entirely up to you. Even here, there are quite a few people who don't share, just read. But sharing is what eventually sets me free, I know.
I agree with KT, if you aren't comfortable, try another one. I know in my case, I went to a couple of meetings after my wife was at rehab the first time. They didn't really click for me either. I don't know why even, just wasn't that interested. The second time I went, after wife's second rehab, it clicked, and it was the same meeting. i guess I was just ready at that point.
Otherwise, keep coming here. If you aren't comfortable sharing feelings in person yet, and it took me a while to get comfortable with that, then you can do it more safely here, plus you don't have to wait for a meeting time. There are also online meetings here, click on he chat link in the upper left of this page for more info on those.
aplcr0331 - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you are here!
I agree with Kenny - many people don't talk for a while, just listen and focus on how things work. Talk if you want, don't talk if you don't want to - it's a personal journey and there are no 'tests'.
What Al-Anon gave me was the ability to understand more about the disease and the freedom to forgive others, even when they didn't ask. That forgiveness was for me - to find peace and joy in each day, no matter what was going on around me.
I truly understand where you are coming from and can affirm you are not alone. Keep coming back and if F2F (face-to-face) meetings appear to scary for you, there are meetings here 2 times a day - check the top left for the schedule and the link to the meeting room.
So glad you joined us - (((Hugs))) for you. I applaud her recovery too as that's the next right thing to do. Both sides of the program suggest we focus on one day at a time, and when I look at life this way, my brain is quieter as are my emotions....
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had stuffed my hurt feelings and emotions for
Years so as not to start a fight or some other negative
Reaction from my xah. They only fester inside of you.
Alanon helps you get in touch with yourself thru self
Love and acceptance. There is much to learn so you
Can grow and change. Staying on your side of the street
Is also very important. You can only change and fix you.
They are responsible for themselves, you each have
Your own higher power for guidance and love.
I sat and listened, learned and absorbed for a long time.
I cried a lot too, i was at my bottom. Alanon gave me the
Strengh and courage to help me get emotionally better
And stronger.
Welcome aplcr As you can see YOU ARE NOT ALONE I attended alanon meetings for over year before I had the courage to speak There is no necessity to speak -- You can attend listen and learn and when you feel comfortable enough you can share .
The program 's main recovry tool is" working the Steps " By working these steps we can let go of our resentments from the past and develop healthy tools so as not to store up future ones. Keep coming back there is hope and help.
I'm starting to think there's a link between alcoholism and narcissism. It does seem to be common, where an addict is all about themselves,whether wet or dry. I think you have carried a huge load all these years, and hope you keep coming back to alanon. For me, its been fundamental in taking my power back. Its really easy to get caught up in them, I mean that's their whole world anyway. Resentment is another way they hold our focus, breaking the isolation and learning new empowering stuff really helps to break it. Keep coming back, glad you're here.
Welcome! So glad you are here! I also had a hard time getting to a F2F meeting...it took me a month of thinking about it, then 2 times driving by and almost going, then I finally walked in the door, scared to death, didn't speak for two weeks but when I finally started going, I started to really enjoy it and it was much easier :) I felt like I was among family, even though I don't have much in common with any of the people in my particular meeting BUT we share this huge thing in common in that we are enmeshed with an addict.
I share your feelings about resentment as well, it is so very hard to keep control over! My AH is active and I get so resentful because he can judge everyone around him (including me) but he can't seem to see his own issues! It's maddening. I am also resentful for being the sole parent to 3 teenagers, taking care of our business and household. I free him up to go and do what he does, which is drink. I'm over being a victim though. I will not allow this to ruin me. The resentment is hurting no one but me and it isn't getting me anything in return. Whew! I needed to get that off my chest!
Thank you so much for your share...I hope that you can find a meeting where you feel a connection also, but if not I hope you keep coming back here. So much wisdom in these posts and people :)
-- Edited by Fairlee on Saturday 12th of December 2015 05:10:03 PM
