I tried. I really, really tried.  But I could not be the better person.  For most of my adult life, I have been determined not to be the one who blamed her parents for her shortcomings.  And I still do not hold her responsible for my choices. I own those.  Yet, when I cast an eye back, I didn't have too much of a path.

I found an old school friend on facebook, I don't know why but I suddenly had an urge to see her.  We were friends from age ten till 13, lost contact at 16. we shared our first cigarette. She had it hard in her own way and so did I in mine.  I could see her life written in her face and I felt a sense of sorrow but also pride and gratitude. I am fortunate that my higher power gifted me intelligence and literacy and no matter what, I beleive it is my life duty to somehow make those gifts of service.  I still do not know exactly how, though im working on a book, amd every day it screams at me to add to it.  When I saw my friend again, on facebook, i was reminded that ive been looked after through all the twisting turning points of my life by something unseen and I have alot to be grateful for. 

Yesterday, my mother texted again, and lightly pushed the boundary i had layed out.  Then she pushed a big boundary asking what alcohol i want from duty free, suggesting we could have a drink when i feel better (have had a sinus infection/fever for a month).  I was good about that, i said no the first time, then no a second time pointing out my husbands an alcoholic and truth be told so am I.  She got the message.  Then she asked what we wanted from the islands and there were two things we cant get here.  One she couldnt get hold of.  So I asked do you want me to ask my husband (who was born and raised there) to organise it? She said yes.  So ok.  Then she texts later and tels me about what a busy day she has had (fine) and what a lovely dinner she had with friends (fine)and then has to throw in some stuff about who is holding her power of attorney (not fine, boundary issue) and that her "friend" joined her for dinner (again, not fine I dont want to know). I said ok and then changed the subject saying husband has asked "Jim" to get item x and asking after the non related friends. 

This morning, she announces she has taken it upon herself to approach my parents in-law (who really do not like me or my family, and now I think i can see why which is just another layer of shame) to bring item x for son/inlaw, amd she infers we are stupid for asking "Jim" and that this is some type of game playing, and that they all are grandparents. WTF?!

To me, it is up to my husband who he asks, and she already said she couldnt get it. Jerry F will understand when I say, the item was taro.  Taro from the islands.  I guess it'd be like asking for corn from iowa. not exactly mana from heaven were talking about.

I said to her, I wish she wouldnt be so tactless sometimes.  and that was the lighting of the dry dry fuse.  Im ashamed to say i reacted.  I told her not to speak to me like that ever. She replied she has earned the right to speak to me like that because she is my mother. I told her to go to hell if being my mother gives her the right to abuse me. Then i dragged out the past asking of two atrocities she commited were how she earned the right to speak to me like that.  Ive never actually mentioned said atrocities ever before. after all that, i went for a walk and took my girls to the park. then i apologised for my nasty words.  I am sorry I said them. 

Now i just feel like i wish i hadn't agreed to the visit and hadnt told my daughter to expect her grandmother tomorrow. 

amd im wondering about bigger things too. Like if im ever going to be less of an island and more of a shrub.  I really need to get cracking on my life. 

My husband and I are getting along alright.  he is interstate for the week and we come together as a family most weekends. There is a lot more mutual respect but i do feel like a lot of what we had is gone.  Familial stuff most of it and alcoholism being what it is. he is who he is and whats good i appreciate. Its a day by day thing and i find a type of security in that honesty.

All roads point back to me and what Im going to do with my gifts.  It is hard though with he kids so young and the one with autism. Just have to keep praying. Thankyou for reading.