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Thanksgiving weekend for AH was an epic bender that ended with me threatening to call the police if he came back to the house (from a day at the bars). He had been horrible and intoxicated since Tuesday and was now threatening to throw our house guests to the curb because my brother-in-law used AH's favorite coffee cup. He was enraged, it scared me and my visiting family members.
When he came home on Sunday afternoon I was gone, I went to my mother-in-law's with 2 days clothes for me and our 18 month old. I needed to be away from him for a bit. I had our house guests relocated to my sisters for the remainder of their stay. It was horrible and embarrassing. I came to the conclusion that I can no longer be around him if he is going to drink. AT ALL. PERIOD.
On Monday night I returned home and we had a talk. He was very standoffish and argumentative, kept blaming me for "taking the kid away from him". I didn't go into agonizing detail but I did let him know about a few things he had done over the weekend, I could tell by his face that he had no memory of most of it. I then asked him to seek treatment so we could stay together as a family. He adamantly refused. He said he was going to quit on his own, I told him he's tried that numerous times without success, what made him think he could succeed this time? He had no answer for me. So I laid the boundary down. The baby and I cannot and will not be around you if you are drinking. If you drink one more time, I am gone and will stay gone until you seek help and get sober. I am so upset that I had to say those words, because now I have to stick to it and I will. I have to show him I am dead serious, things have gone too far, he scared me this weekend. So....he hasn't drank since Monday, but its not gonna last, I am too smart to even lie to myself about it. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, I need to be out of the house with the baby at the first sign of booze. My plan is to go to my sisters or mother-in-laws for the first few days and then I will have to find an apartment to rent I guess.
I can't believe this is happening and I actually cant believe how calm I am about it. I am not sure if I am in shock or if Al-Anon is working or a bit of both...and on top of it all, I am pregnant, which should be adding stress, but its not really. I am still over-the-moon about it despite the chaos around me.
(((Coops MOM))) CONGRATS ON THE NEW BABY It certainly sounds as if you responded to the Thanksgiving Fiasco with courage and wisdom. Your hard work in alanon is paying of. Having a plan B is great .
Sending positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
I'm so glad you're taking good care of yourself and your precious baby.
Just a thought - since he's an untreated alcoholic he's going to drink again, as you know - right now the ball is in his court and you've set yourself up to be reactive rather than proactive. I wonder why finding another place is not the next step after what he did at Thanksgiving? Maybe it's that you're giving him one last chance so that you can be sure. But he is pretty clear about what he's willing to do (nothing). I don't mean in any way to be telling you what to do, I'm just thinking the situation over. I hope you can get a clear plan going so you're not caught in a difficult situation in the middle of the night or something like that.
I'm so sorry this is happening. Do you have a meeting? Some of them have childcare. No one should have to go through this alone. Hugs.
Have a bag packed and in your car for you and the baby. Have cash on hand and a full tank of gas. Have 2 places set up that you can go to even in the middle of the night. Finding a new place to live takes time. Call a realtor and have them start looking for you.
Sending prayers for you and your little one. It's not easy but you need to feel safe.
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Kelly
"Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence...." Desiderata
Coopsmom - so sorry that your T-giving went way, way different than hoped. I agree with Betty - your program work shows in how you handled and responded to the events, and I'm glad to hear that you stepped away to have peace. I love that you've set your boundary and that you already have a plan. When life here was very, very difficult, my Plan B people were gracious enough to make me a key to their home(s) just in case it was middle of the night. I have had spare clothes and cash stashed away from my home for a long, long while - as a sub-plan for my Plan B...
I too congratulate you on the 'baby to come'! So happy to hear your news and prayers for a healthy pregnancy!! My best suggestion is to stay in the present moment as best you can. I remember those days of wondering when/if the drinking would happen. What I learned in Al-Anon is I need to stop assuming it will or concerning myself with when it will. Instead, I was told to live my life as if there were not shoes to drop. Plan my days, go to meetings, cook meals for meal time and carry on as 'normal' as possible. Keep my mind busy, keep myself focused on the next right thing, build up my contact list and just 'be'.
(((Hugs))) - prayers & positive thoughts to you...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
